hannah ananas

Well, I managed much better last night on the air mattress. However, it was still too hot. I even adjusted the air one degree and opened our window again (because it was much cooler outside than in the house, even though outside wasn’t actually cold). It was functional, but my sleep was still crappy and only about half the night. Tonight is the final night I’ll be in this environment, so I anticipate much better sleep after tonight.

I am immensely grateful for our home and our electricity and air conditioning. God has given me an opportunity to be grateful for the subtle things and happy in their presence despite outside seemingly big difficulties. Lots in life, including the big stuff, can be hard right now, but the ease of having a clean and comfortable home is incomparable. And we do have that.

Thank you, God. Please, keep us safe and well and together, especially my husband and daughter. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Dear God, please, help me to sleep well tonight and each night. Grant us all rejuvenating sleep. Guide us to be our best selves. Help us to love ourselves and one another well. Help me to be kind and gentle with my husband. Help him to hear me clearly. Please, keep him and our daughter and me safe and well and together. Thank you for our home. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Well, we made it to San Antonio. Only two and a half hours after scheduled. And it seems like the only thing we move forgotten so far is the baby wash. Though, I wish I had been extra and had brought the electric fan for the baby outside, because then we could have used it in the bedroom overnight. It is quite warm in here, and I am worried I will end up not sleeping much.

God, please, make it cool enough for us to sleep comfortably and well each night. Keep us safe, make us well, and keep us together, please, especially my husband and daughter. Thank you for this day. In your names I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I recently found out that both my parents canceled their home phone lines instead of transferring them to a mobile line. This news was genuinely crushing, because these have been my home phone numbers since I was four years old. I had, in recent years, hoped to use the numbers myself, should my parents ever decide they didn’t want the landlines anymore. But now they are gone for good, and it is upsetting me a shocking amount.

On another note, I started wearing my wedding ring and engagement ring again this weekend. This was a huge move for me. When I was pregnant, I eventually hit a point where I couldn’t stand the tactile experience of things touching me, so I couldn’t even wear my silicone ring near the end of the pregnancy. (All I could stand was my watch, and only sometimes, because it put pressure on my wrist in a way that helped with lessening the nausea.) I noticed a couple weeks ago that I wasn’t having the same tactile reaction anymore, and so I started wearing the silicone ring. One, because it is stretchy and I wouldn’t have to risk the mental struggle that trying on my normal rings might create if they happened to be too tight still (from the weight gain of the pregnancy). Two, because I was worried about hitting the baby and scratching her with the engagement ring.

So, I tested out the feeling of wearing the silicone band. It seemed to be reasonably good, though I did have to stretch it a bit to have it be comfortable. But then it was fine after a bit of stretching. So, after a couple weeks or so of that, I felt mentally prepared to try it the real rings, in terms of safety with the baby, that is. Fortunately, though they were slightly snugger than in the past, they still fit comfortably (and the engagement ring even started spinning today, it was loose enough), so I was able to wear them without discomfort. The day went really well, and I was so happy to be wearing my rings again, to be able to show the world around me about me and my wonderful husband.

So, I wore them again today, too.

But then I started having a sort of breakdown this afternoon, because this was such a huge thing for me, and on several levels, yet no one even seemed to notice. I had been worried for months that people were thinking I was not married, yet not a single person even noticed that I was suddenly wearing rings. And it’s not like they have to comment or even notice. I was just a bit surprised and a lot deflated that not a single person did, not even my family, the people who know firsthand about the struggles I had with rings this past year-ish.

So, yeah… double ring upset this week and a half-ish.

God, keep us safe and well and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

It’s just a lot to handle right now, and especially so to have to do it all on my own. Women who want to have babies without a partner or spouse are dumb. (Okay, fine, utterly uninformed, and so naïve.) Managing a baby mostly on my own has been ridiculously hard. And it might be about to get even harder. We just will have to see how the next week or two go in order to discover what awaits us for a regular schedule for the next six plus months.

God, protect us and guide us clearly and kindly, please. Make your will our will, and help us to succeed in being our best selves each step of the way. May us well and keep us safe and together, please. If it be your will, have my husband back home each evening to be with his family, or else most nights. Help him to progress in his work pathway to care for and support us, his family. Help me to support him powerfully. Help him to support me powerfully and how I most need it. Lee him and our daughter safe and well, please. Thank you for our home. Keep it safe, too, if you would, please. And thank you for the laughter reminder and the laughter itself. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

My head has been throbbing for hours. It started pounding big time when we got home tonight. My husband just massaged a lot of muscles in my neck and upper shoulders/back. It was immensely helpful for my body as a whole, but the headache seems to remain exactly the same.

So, going to sleep with prayers of healing.

Lord, heal me, please. Keep my husband and my daughter safe and well and whole. Keep our home always safe. Thank you for all. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Today, I broke down emotionally. Lots and lots of crying. My sister let me sleep in her bed for about two and a half hours while she and her kids took care of my baby. Fortunately, they had a blast.

I’m still worn down to brittle. I have been carrying a lot lately, and for multiple people. Normally, I can do it for one person, but for three extras right now is very hard. I always carry the support for my dad in his relationship. I’m carrying the support for my husband and my mom right now, too, with all of their everything. And I’m managing myself and my own struggles, all while managing and caring for the baby, getting very little and short spurts of sleep. I am not okay right now. As I told my husband, I am not being mad at home or anything. I am just acknowledging that it is very hard and that I am breaking down from it all, because it really sucks right now. It is temporary, but it still sucks big time.

So, working on asking for more help from others right now. (Like my sister today.)

God, please, continue to guide us clearly each step of the way. Keep us safe and well and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

My husband regularly sits down or lies down before finishing things he needs or plans to do before bed, and then just falls asleep wherever he sits or lies. He regularly doesn’t get the things done, though often does them at some point in the middle of the night, whenever he wakes up randomly and then goes and gets ready for bed and goes to bed at three or four in the morning.

This has always upset me. Mostly, because I want to sleep in bed with my husband, and I want him to sleep in bed with me. Both for our relationship and for the physical aspect of having his touch. Physical touch is very healing for me. When he is absent a lot, a single night of his skin touching mine can chemically shift my entire experience of life from impossible to easy-peasy. Also, this upsets me because, recently, this is the only time that we are together most days. His work schedule has him gone as soon as he wakes up, and then getting home around 1:30 each morning. So, overnight is our only time together.

And then this also upsets me because I have told him how important it is to me that he come to bed with me. When he sits down while tired, nine times out of ten, he falls asleep. Yet, he consistently does it, despite my sharing with him how much it matters to me for his to come to bed. Which makes it now also hurtful that he won’t shift the behavior, make the effort. It lands as though I’m not worth it to him and that my requests don’t matter much to him unless they’re something he already wanted in the first place. I believe he loves me, yes. And this seemingly simple thing consistently makes it feel like I don’t really matter very much to him. Rather, that my happiness and emotional well-being don’t matter to him or strike him as important.

So, yes, that sucks…

I think I just need to say that all for right now.

God, guide me clearly and kindly and lovingly, please, each step of the way. Help me to be my best self, the person you made me to be. Keep my husband safe, please, and make him well and whole. Thank you for today. In your name, I pray. Amen.

I am exhausted, and my throat is starting to hurt. Hoping for the best overnight.

God, heal my body, please. Remove the toxins and attacking germs from my system, please, and make me well and whole. Keep Patrick safe and well, please, and our daughter, too. Thank you for this home and family and love. Continue to guide us clearly with each step. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Apparently, I had these thoughts and feelings nine years ago today.

I am glad to say that my baby truly does give me lots of hugs and snuggles, and they are totally awesome. I am grateful constantly for her and for her love. And no, I didn’t adopt her. I birthed her, remember, and just this year.

Thank you, God. Keep us safe and well and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen. Amen. Alleluia!

Post-a-day 2025