hannah ananas

Tonight, when my husband went to the gym, our daughter began screaming. Having been with her the whole day and already dealt with a version of it this morning, I really struggled. All I wanted to do was sleep a bit; I had lay down next to her to do just that, only a couple minutes before she started crying suddenly. Gas and digestion struck again.

And they struck hard.

I was checking in with my friend to see how she was doing after the car wreck she’d had earlier today. But the baby was screaming and wouldn’t stop – the gas just wouldn’t release. My friend and her husband were very supportive over the phone – they have two daughters already, the youngest having recently turned two – including when I started crying hard core, too. They decided just to come over and be with us. So, they did.

Of course, after almost an hour of crying and screaming, the gas suddenly shifted, and our baby was fine and passed out. Right before they got here.

Nonetheless, my friend’s husband took the baby right away and held her on his chest in the recliner, and my friend just hugged me and told me I was alright.

We then snuggled in on the mattress and put on a Bridget Jones movie for a bit before they told me to go do what I needed to do – they had the baby covered. So, I went and ate food for my dinner, then showered. I even shaved for the first time since birth. That was special. And still tender, despite its being almost seven weeks out. But it was great being able to take the time to do it, knowing that I wasn’t needed elsewhere immediately.

I got ready for bed, and only went back out when I heard the baby fussing for nursing. He patted her back to sleep for a bit, and all three of them were adorably passed out in the living room. I hear her fussing again now for nursing, so I’ll go see about taking her from him and nursing her, and letting them go home. Especially since my husband got home a few minutes ago. He’s in the shower now, probably also appreciating the gift of knowing our baby is being taken care of without our having to worry.

Okay, got to go!

Post-a-day 2025

I had wanted to stay for the Journey concert tonight at the rodeo. But we were going to have to stay for another hour and a half at the least in order to reach the start of the show. And the show only would be an hour long. I still wanted to stay. But I also was tired and didn’t feel like waiting around on my own (my mom didn’t want to stay, as she was tired, too).

So, we went home. And it was good that we did and I didn’t regret it.

However, it turned out to be even better than we had expected that we went home when we did. The concert started a bit late, maybe a quarter of an hour or so. So, I would have waited for an hour 45. And then, on the third song, the power to the performers’ stage went bust. As my brother put it – he was at the concert – “an electrical fire in the middle of ‘don’t stop believing’ stopped the believing and the show.” And he wasn’t wrong.

My sister-in-law happened to have been filming during it, and she sent me the video. All the power to the stage and the cameras and screens showing the stage suddenly turned off right as the lead singer encouraged everyone to sing the lyrics together. It seemed very dramatic and intentional, what with lights dropping and 75 thousand people singing in unison… until the band did not join back in… then people started to realize that something was up.

Sadly, everyone was informed after about 15 minutes of effort in the rodeo’s part, that the concert could not go on. They would reach out to all ticket holders with next steps in the coming days.

My brother thought they might try to add an extra day to the rodeo or do an early concert one day (more like a late concert on a weekend day would make the most sense, if they did that). However, it doesn’t seem too likely. But it is certainly possible. I said I figured they’d just do partial refunds, as the whole rodeo happened, and also a portion of the concert happened, but just not the whole thing. And the money is for scholarships, anyway, so they try not to refund it all. But they also usually aim to be fair and respectful. So, partial refunds in my mind.

What occurred to me after the conversation was the idea that the rodeo might not be able to get it all repaired before tomorrow’s concert… and that would be even worse.

So, we shall see what happens(!).

God, heal my daughter’s issues. Make her well, please, and keep her safe. Make my husband and me well, please, and keep us safe, too. Help us to grow well in our relationship with one another. Help our family to grow ever stronger and loving. Thank you for this life and this family. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I feel and look fat. I don’t have flattering clothes to wear right now, which emphasizes that. I haven’t slept well or enough in a while, which makes everything feel worse. My hips hurt. My lower back aches. My shoulder and neck muscles have a burning ache in them. My nails are too long. I’m not sure where my daytime nail file is right now, but I desperately need it to be with me during the day right now. My hair keeps looking greasy. It also is getting way too dry from one of the shampoos or conditioners, but I’m not sure which. It also often looks gross. My groin alternates between a gently painful throb and a sharp, pulling sting. I can’t eat much easily due to allergens affecting the baby’s system.

Oh, and the baby screams terribly once or twice a day, and often when I am alone with her. It lasts for hours sometimes. I typically end up screaming-crying right alongside her before it’s done. I have terrible thoughts. I feel like a terrible parent. I can’t seem to accomplish anything other than nursing the baby and usually helping her burp and changing her diaper. So, I’m being a terrible housewife, and the house feels like a disaster. I’m miserable in my home, mostly because of that. I’m also being a terrible wife. My husband and I seem to be miserable together most of the time, mostly because of that.

And I still feel exhausted and beaten up. Not to mention all the pressure of that I should be better at any or all of this than I actually am, and that I feel like I’m just failing miserably at everything right now.

And I don’t know yet what to do about any or all of it. But I’m going to sleep for now.

God, help me to heal, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Today, I took it easy most of the morning, thanks to my husband. Eventfully, though, I was not getting restful sleep, as the baby was crying far too intensely. So, I rolled myself out of bed and rushed to feed the crying child. She was in a baby carrier, it turned out, so she was pr ethically screaming right into my husband’s face while he worked… interesting approach, m’dear. Interesting approach.

We met virtually with a potential pediatrician for our daughter – I wasn’t s huge fan, though I didn’t dislike her – and then we ran some errands this afternoon. I learned the value of having enough of the right things, even if they seem silly beforehand. And I can barely keep my eyes open now, so we’ll finish there.

Goodnight.

God, be with us and keep us safe and make us well and whole, please. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Today, I went with family to the rodeo for real. We walked a lot and saw and did a lot, and it was s great time. It was also too much time for me to be walking around, carrying the baby almost the whole time. Sometimes even carrying the baby and the very heavy backpack diaper bag. (I’m thinking I need to sort out a lighter bag for when I will be on my own with the baby and need to carry everything myself.) My cousin and I were all for my just using the stroller, but my mom really felt it would be easier not to have it, and she said she’d handle the backpack, so I accepted her desired plan of action. It didn’t always turn out, however, especially given that I carried both for the first hour-ish.

Anyway, it was a good time, but was very hard on me by the end. We went into the whole rodeo, though, so I feel fully satisfied with having gone in person this year – I don’t need to do it again. Perhaps we’ll go visit the club, but I needn’t go into the stadium again this year.

Anyway, I’m exhausted and must sleep now. Goodnight.

Thank you, God, for the good time and for the good and helpful behavior of our kids. Make us well, please, and keep us safe. Heal my daughter’s digestive issues, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

We went to the rodeo tonight to say hi to my husband and to my mom’s husband while they worked a volunteer shift. They were working down the street from where my grandma lives now, so we walked over after visiting her. We surprised them. Everyone in their cabin knew who we were and knew about my baby already and was excited to see her.

Then my cousin came and joined us with her son, and we went exploring with them for about an hour. We made it to the petting zoo for its last five minutes, browsed books in the first of many little libraries – more to be checked out tomorrow (pun not intended, but adored) – saw some newborn chicks, pigs, sheep, and cattle, rose a humongous escalator – well, they did and I watched – looked at carnival lights, and spun a huge tire. It was a grey family time, and so truly enjoyed it.

Thank you, God. Keep my husband and me and the baby safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

She cried and screamed for almost two hours straight this evening due to digestion. I cried a good chunk of that time with her. She even cried so hard and for so long that she threw up everything she had consumed. There were many regular large pukes, but the shocking tidal wave made it clear that nothing was left behind. It was so sad and crushing to witness. Let alone the fact that it was getting all over both of us and the rug and the chair and the everything nearby each time… The more she cried, the hungrier she got. But even the smallest nursing resettled in puking it up again a few minutes later after she’d pulled off to keep screaming about the digestive pains. My heart hurt so terribly for her. My body hurt so terribly for how it must somehow be my fault…

I had a few times in those two hours where I wanted to hit something or throw something. But I remained present and kept my daughter safe. I noticed that it is harder to want to help her when she is crying so hard, because I can’t see her eyes. The moment I see her eyes, my whole being hurts for her and wants to help her. Without seeing them, it is much easier to be annoyed than to want to ease her pains for her own sake. But the point is that I have noticed this and so am using it to do better each time. I’m still not able to help her much of the time when she struggles with digestion. But I am working on staying present and remembering that it’s okay that all I can do isn’t enough to relieve her pain.

No matter how much it hurts to think that…

God, help me to heal her pains. Grant me the gift of always releasing my daughter’s struggles and pains, with her support. Help me to love her always, especially when her actions are difficult for me, be they intentional or not. Guide me to be the loving mother you have always called me and made me to be. Keep my husband and the baby and me safe, please, and make us all three well and whole. Make her intestines work marvelously, please, and always properly. Thank you for this life and for my husband. Thank you for our baby. Heal her intestines, please, and now for always, please. Also, please, heal my abdomen and my skin and groin area, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

“Fits discreetly in your bra” it said on the packaging.

Was the writer of the branding foreign to the English language, and mistook the word discreetly for the word obtrusively or the word obviously? Perhaps, even, the word ridiculously?

Must have been…

Trove – great idea. Not discreet. 😛

Post-a-day 2025

Today, we met up with my husband’s former coworker and current friend, both to visit with him and (but mostly) to have him meet the baby. It worked out with the beautiful obvious hand of God. We had a morning appointment, and I felt we should reach out to him. It turned out, all his kids were at daycare and school today, so he was on his own. What’s more, he happened to be at a laundromat right by our house in order to wash a big comforter. In the middle of discovering this information, my husband received notice that power had gone out at our house. We stopped by to confirm this, and then went down the road to meet up with the friend at the laundromat.

When we arrived, we found him sitting at a table with two books open, and only a single Hispanic woman across the room, doing her own laundry. My husband commented something to the effect of that he was doing his studies and having his quiet time, cozied up and settled in – he looked very comfortable, like this was his happy place.

He laughed, but began to explain that it kind of was so. He did take this time each week or two to have some focused alone time with a book and with a prayer book.

I commented, “It’s your coffee shop.” He agreed that it was.

He then got to meet our daughter and hold her for a while before we all went to lunch (quick note that she slept through all of lunch, and it was, again, a blessing from God for us to get to visit so well and so long and so uninterrupted with this friend – we pretty much never get that with him). It was adorable how delighted he was holding her. He’s also a proportionate 6’5″ perhaps, so, with her asleep in his arms, he made her look tiny in a way she hasn’t looked since she was born. It was truly great, and I am quite glad that he got to meet her on his own, so he truly got to be present and enjoy being with her in a way he couldn’t have done with his own four young children present.

So, we all just sat there in the laundromat, chilling and chatting, as if we were at a real coffee shop, until his comforter finished drying. It was a great time. I kept thinking how distracted I was in the space, and how interesting it is how we all find our own ideal spaces for ourselves, and how different they all can be. We were in his coffee shop today…

And I just loved the whole concept. That his coffee shop is a laundromat. It is not often that financial and racial, social lines cross for someone’s coffee shop. Not that it would be very loud with a telenovela blasting on a large tv hanging from the ceiling, along with washers and dryers humming loudly along around the room. But that was exactly what his coffee shop was, is. His study space, indeed, was a laundromat.

He even mentioned that there are times on certain days that loads of people are there doing laundry services for their business. On those days, when he sees all their vehicles, he turns around and heads back home – not the day for him to wash the comforter. He comes for quiet. Relatively speaking, that is.

Today, he had it. And it was adorable and a bit inspiring to see. It felt nostalgic, somehow, really… ❤

Post-a-day 2025

I am still very sleepy, and it makes it very difficult for me – remember that I am still dealing with some physical recovery stuff, what with the discomfort in my vagina area and the abdomen still being separated – not to grow overwhelmingly frustrated with the baby at times, particularly when she is practically screaming due to digestive issues, and has been doing so for quite some time already. I told my husband finally that I have been overwhelmed to the point of wanting to throw her down and walk away. It isn’t a thought I welcome, yet it arrives nonetheless. I am very careful when such a thought arises, of course. But I think sharing this with him helped him to see how much I am still struggling. Yes, my body has improved greatly from where it started. No, it is not healed. Yes, my mind has improved greatly from where it started. No, it has not yet healed either. I still need more help than usual.

On the improving note, as well as the overwhelm, I went to the neighbors’ house around the corner this afternoon. I tried to go in the late morning, but they left for a while (despite the fact that she’s said she would be there all day and to come by whenever…). By the time they were back, I had a screaming baby. It took me an hour to handle that and to get her calm enough to get out the door. I had to bring all the stuff, because I didn’t want to risk needing something important and not having it. I also had to drive, because they live just far enough that walking wasn’t a smart option for me (though they’re probably only like ten houses away). And my husband had to out the car seat in the car last night for me, because I still can’t safely lift it.

Anyway, I was there about half an hour or so, then my husband joined us for another half hour or so once he was back from his testing. It was a really nice visit. Their baby is two and a half weeks older than ours, so we had a lot on which to commiserate and many fun and silly things to share, as well. It was a good visit.

But it also was very difficult for me to make happen.

I pray it will get easier for me to handle such a situation. Thank you, God, for this opportunity today. Thank you for helping me figure out how to use the carrier without pain. Help our baby’s bowels to heal. Make my husband and my baby and me well, please, and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025