I specifically wanted to have open and calm time for Christmas this year. Both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We wanted to celebrate as a little family in our own home. Mass together in public, then chilling together at home, reveling in the joy of the season and the gifts of God’s love and life.
My mom confirmed that nothing was planned. She mentioned that she probably would take my grandma to Church, then have lunch together, and we could join if we wanted. My husband’s family that live somewhat nearby invited everyone the other day to dinner on Christmas Day at their recently renovated nearby house. We agreed to go, since we didn’t have anything other than Church on the schedule, though with the contingency of ‘it I’m feeling up to it’. I have been very up and down these past weeks.
Anyway, my mom asked about having our family come over Christmas Eve for dinner and games, maybe a movie. I said we could do that if and only if my husband and I had to do nothing for it – no prep, no cleanup, no purchasing of food or anything else. If we just had to have our home be here, clean, then that could work for us. She agreed.
Then, my brother and his wife didn’t end up coming, as she wasn’t feeling well. My grandma also didn’t come, likely because she was being b-y and didn’t want to go anywhere. It was a nice time just hanging with my mom and stepdad. But my mom did not fully clean up what all she had done while over. It wasn’t terrible, but it was stressful for me. I have never been comfortable leaving dirty dishes sitting in the sink or on the countertops after an event. For me, the event isn’t over until everything is cleaned up. But she just left. So, I was rinsing dishes to load them in the dishwasher – by the way, this is very hard and uncomfortable for me, because I can now only reach the faucet by hunching forward, as my belly sticks out so much – and cleaning off the countertops. Two things I very specifically had requested not to have to do. When I mentioned this, of course, she got mad at me because ‘she had put forth all the rest of the effort’. Frankly, I don’t care. Not in a mean way. She just agreed to do something and then didn’t do it. If it was going to be too much for her, that’s on her to communicate about it and, also, not agree to it in the first place.
But she didn’t seem even to give it a thought beyond fussing at me for not liking how she left the kitchen.
So, that sucked.
And then, come to find out, our ‘if we’re feeling up to it’ invitation for tomorrow is not at all that. It is an expectation of attendance. So, she fussed at me more when I said that I had understood it to be an option, not a mandate. She also said she picked the tile specifically so we could attend. But I know she didn’t. She had already said before we had agreed to the dinner thing that she was planning to have lunch with my grandma after Mass. Perhaps the precise time was with us in mind, but the lunchtime event was not specifically because of us.
Interesting how my cousin and I were talking today about how many in our family have certain Autism Spectrum Disorder traits, the main one being that, if a schedule or a way of doing something that one of them has decided is challenged or changed in any sort of way, it is totally disaster and outrage for that individual. That individual can change things all he or she wants. But anyone else trying to change any bit of it, even if it is an irrelevant bit or it makes the piece or the whole loads better or more practical, it is still a total uproar and utterly unacceptable.
And that’s pretty much exactly what happened with my mom tonight on both points. She showed up almost an hour and a half after she had arranged for everyone to be here. No comment. She decided she didn’t want to finish cleaning up. No comment. I mention it, and she lashes out at me (not horribly, but lashes out nonetheless). She shifts the expectations for Christmas Day. No comment. I say something that is different from how she wanted it, and she lashes out at me again.
And yes, I was kind and calm in these interactions, and spoke respectfully. I didn’t even mention her running way late. If I had, though, I imagine she would have fussed at me like it was somehow my fault (likely because she was having to do all the prep… again, to which she agreed in the first place). Though, she is almost always running late, because she has absolutely no idea how long it actually takes her to do most things. Some things, she knows precisely. Most, though, she has no idea and always guesses horribly incorrectly. With cooking, I always add an extra 20% or so to whatever amount of time she thinks it’s going to take her. So, I was not at all surprised that she was nowhere near finished cooking by the time she was supposed to be already at our house.
Anyway…
Frustrating stuff tonight.
What’s more, my husband got through one set of his workout at the gym, and then apparently lost his whole dinner (which wasn’t a crazy dinner, by the way). He came back home, feeling dreadful, and lay down for a bit. But, by the time we needed to get ready for Midnight Mass, he was still very not okay.
So, we now have to go to Church tomorrow.
And we have to go to my grandma’s. And my husband’s brother’s house.
So much for having a restful Christmas.
I’m just hoping we both will sleep well tonight and feel well in the morning. I am trusting God to take care of us. I love Mass, and it is the whole point of this season and holiday. But my husband might need to rest and so might I. And we might only briefly say hi to both families for an abnormally short visit at each. And I might be the only one who goes to either. I am not going to stress about it. I am just trusting God to guide us clearly.
Thank you, God, for this life and for your love. Happy Christmas. Happy celebration of birth for your Son. Thank you for His love, too. And thank you, Holy Spirit, for being ever-present and actioning to much in this world for the better. Lord, make us well and keep us safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
hannah ananas 