Okay. I’m beginning to notice a sense of unreasonable panic arising within me. Kind of like there’s a long-famished lion on the prowl, with only a window dividing us (even though I live in this little town where there are definitely no lions)… and I somehow know that I’m going to open the window and climb outside. Seeing as how something is clearly drawing me out that window, my question is: Did I make up that the lion was hungry?
A week ago exactly, I started a notebook to create my life as I want it to be (Hannah’s Life Created). Every day, I have written in the notebook. Sometimes I create a new page and category/area of my life. Sometimes I add to already-existing categories/areas. I at first struggled to come up with things to write; I began wondering all throughout the next day, in search of what I might write for that night. After multiple days of doing this, though, I have begun to overflow with ideas and thoughts on the subject of my created life. And it’s beginning to be kind of scary…
Specifically the “Things To Do” list (a list of things I want to do) has started to frighten me. I haven’t quite allowed myself to write down the more crazy ideas yet, but with my recent insight on this particular list, I am starting to write them… and this is where I experience myself fingering that window latch…
Allow me to explain: I have always been afraid of writing a list like this, although I could never put words as to why I wouldn’t ever do it… after thinking it over the past 30-ish hours, I’m beginning to think that I never could write a list of things I wanted to do in life, because I was afraid of two things:
1) What if I don’t accomplish everything I put on the list?
2) What if I actually accomplish everything I put on the list?
On the one hand, I’ve already considered myself a failure, as though this were a grade in school that were somehow actually going to define me as an individual, and qualify my existence. On the other hand, I am terrified of how amazing I would have to be in order to accomplish all, or even half, of those things I would want to put on such a list. That in mind, I totally see how I definitely would have avoided the task.
So, what actually happens if I don’t accomplish everything? Then I don’t accomplish everything. Period. And what if I do accomplish everything I put on the list? Gosh, what a life! Really, though, I can hardly imagine how amazing life would be if I were to accomplish these ridiculous tasks and to-dos building up in my mind right now…
So, dear lion, you may continue your prowl, but get ready; I will be bounding after you to tumble and rumble with excitement and joy soon enough! (Guess we know what I’m adding to my notebook tonight.) ;P But actually… watch out world! If I’m already thinking about playing with lions, one can only imagine what I might put on my list of things to do. Up next for me and my life: How crazy a to-do list can I make?
P.S. I’m going to write another one of these on the matter of the “My Partner” area of my life I am creating. Boy, is that one biting me in the butt with issues arising I never was willing to acknowledge… but that’s another article. For now, I’ve already been at work thirty minutes more than needed for today, and I’ve loads of cardboard to cut apart and tie together for paper pickup on Saturday! Happy life! 😀