Because crying at work wasn’t already enough….
Heads up: If you aren’t comfortable reading about females’ bodily functions, then don’t read this post.
Do you ever feel like you are imprisoned by your period? Not just limited, but confined, under lock-down. Today, I 100% did, and even kind of went crazy because of it. (I know, right?)
I have spent the day trying desperately to have this menstrual cup work. It worked wonderfully last month. Like really well. And now, it keeps leaking. Not lots. But just enough to freak me out, and enough potentially to cause a problem (BECAUSE JAPANESE PANTYLINERS ARE COMPLETE NONSENSICAL BULL, AND WHY DO THEY EVEN EXIST, SINCE THEY DON’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING BENEFICIAL?). So, although I wanted to go back to bed this morning (after a rough 45-minute clean-up when I went to the bathroom at 6-ish) I didn’t actually make it back under the sheets until around 10, at which point I had finally given up on the cup for the morning and just used a tampon. And, of course, I had to set a timer, because tampons can only handle so much at once.
So I slept until around 2, waking up every hour-ish to change out. And then I tried it all again, because I so want this cup thing to work – it is environmentally friendly, economically friendly, and (and this is possibly the best part for my daily life) it allows me not only to spend a reasonable amount of time living life during the day, instead of constantly searching for a bathroom*, but it lets me sleep through the night. I haven’t slept through the night on Day Two since middle school (except for that one night my mom convinced me it was ridiculous, of course I’d be fine, and I woke up literally covered). Until I tried the menstrual cups. I could go almost the whole day without even thinking about my period, and with no repercussions (yes, I unfortunately forget about it sometimes, which is not exactly a good idea when you are producing copious amounts of blood every hour). Menstrual cups are like magic. Except, they are unreliable magic. Or something like that… anyway…
I’ve been wanting to go wander about and be outside and possibly even interact with people all day, but haven’t been able to find a reliable way to spend more than an hour out safely. As I was giving up on the cup for the second time today, pulling it out (and realizing that it hadn’t even been catching all that much, and yet it had been leaking as though it had), I just stopped caring about staying calm, and I broke down. I sat there a while, crying on the toilet, aware of all the blood around (literally below) me like some gory fight scene from a movie, feeling as though it were taking the life straight from my veins. I felt trapped. And trapped by menstruation. “Why do you have to confine and constrain me?” I asked it. “What does anyone benefit from this?”
All I wanted was a hug. I lay my head against the wall, and let the tears just roll. I just wanted to take a brisk walk outside, and explore around me. And I can’t even go outside without full preparation, and without setting a timer for when to be home. How do I alter this for myself? I don’t want to be confined and constrained anymore… and I didn’t used to be… What happened?
I’m ready to free myself of this total nonsense… because so what that the cup isn’t working? It isn’t working. So find something that does work. Oh, right. I already have. Tampons work. No, they aren’t your dream situation, but they work, and rather decently well. Maybe one day will be different. And you keep testing those cups – don’t give up on them. But stop this whole ‘my life sucks and I’m going to be alone forever, and this is just one more thing that is going to be extra-sucky about my life’ conversation. It’s all made-up anyway, so how about making up something worth believing in, worth wanting, worth looking forward to? Hmm??? Yeah, okay, fine. Haha 😀 I’m down. 😀 Let’s go for a walk. : )
* Last summer, during a day of exploring London, every time I found a bathroom and used it, I had to start searching for another bathroom. They seemed to be few and far between, and I only had just over an hour to get to one each time. I almost never succeeded in staying clean, and I had to spend so much effort looking for a bathroom, it was a really great effort to be able to enjoy the town and the day and everything around me, while literally almost constantly searching for a bathroom. That was when I decided something needed to change.