Author: hannah.ananas

I sent my husband camping for the week. Originally, I’d asked him to be home for our scheduled coffee date Thursday morning. However, I told him I knew it would be good for him to stay a bit longer, so we could plan to reschedule our date in order for him to stay the whole week camping. I was very glad when he agreed to stay longer, because I know how much he loves camping and how good it is for him to be able to rest away from the stress of everything in the everyday. At least every once in a while, anyway, and it has been a long while since he has been camping. So, he’s set to stay another few days at this point, and my coffee date tomorrow morning will be with my baby girl, which still will be lovely.

Oddly, though, just as I was noticing this morning that I was doing fine in terms of not missing my husband too much, and how it was clearly a good idea for him to stay a bit longer, I was struck very strongly tonight by a desire to have him back home – I just started missing him so much.

I mean, I’ll be fine until he gets home. But I still definitely miss him.

I’m also exhausted and can barely think… haha

Post-a-day 2025

Sometimes, I wonder if people are aware of their hypocrisy, even to a tiny degree, or if they are utterly blind to it.

One of my best friends always used to say how one of her biggest pet peeves was when people took out trash without replacing the bag. Yet she did just that more than half the time. I halfway felt like I lived at her apartment just from the number of times I put a new bag in the trash can after she had taken out the trash (and not immediately beforehand, but hours, at least). I always wondered at this. Perhaps she does hate it and knows that she does it, and so also hates it when she does it. It’s definitely something that drives me nuts, too, but I make extra effort not to do it. Whenever I do get distracted and don’t replace the bag immediately, I am annoyed at myself for causing the later-on hassle for myself.

More recently, when walking with the neighbor who also just had a baby, she mentioned to me how much she hates when other moms tell her, “Just wait ’til ____,” with the blank’s being some difficult or annoying aspect of motherhood or pregnancy that is supposedly worse than her current situation. When she said this to me, of course, my immediate thoughts were, Yes, just like you did to me all throughout pregnancy? I hate that, too. Naturally, I didn’t say this. But it really had me wonder if she has any idea whatsoever that she did exactly that to me against me again throughout our pregnancies (she was roughly three weeks further along than I was). Ironically, I think I got zero of the symptoms she had mentioned to me in that context. We had very different pregnancies. Which can be clearly seen in the fact that she misses being pregnant, even while acknowledging that ‘there were not-great parts’. I was grateful for my pregnancy, but the positives kind of ended there for me. I was very sick almost the entire time, and actually incapacitated for two months, then barely functional for three months. It was not an easy or enjoyable time for me, and I do not long for that time back the way she does. I long for being able to take care of my physical health and well-being. That’s what I miss these days. Not being pregnant.

Anyway… tangent there… the whole point was that I find myself wondering whether they realize they’re complaining about something that they do all the time. I have things like that for myself, things I dislike yet know that I do. But I’m working on improving and ending my time of doing those things. Is that normal, though? I suppose the typical idea of hypocrisy is that someone would be unaware of his own hypocrisy… otherwise, perhaps it wouldn’t be hypocrisy in the first place…

Yeah… okay, goodnight.

Post-a-day 2025

I FaceTimed with my husband briefly today so that he could see his daughter. When I saw his face, I was instantly overjoyed. Not because I had wanted to see him, though I had, but because he was just so incredibly happy. There was no doubt for me that he was in his happy place. And yes, I’m sure he was stinky already, and possibly also somewhat dirty (like actual dirt). So, it wasn’t like I would have loved being there, too. But I do wish that I could enjoy such an environment just so I could share in his utter delight in camping and being so fully in nature.

He mentioned that we ought to go tot he next RV show when one is in town, just so we could take a look. I think he’s right. If we had a new one, I might be able to handle the environment. And that would be a game-changer for my ability to go to all these wonderful parks I long to visit and to see all the stars in the night sky like I regularly dream about seeing. That certainly would be very cool.

God, thank you for this joy for my husband. Please, keep him and us and our home safe. Make us well and keep us so. And always show us clearly our next step forward in pursuing and fulfilling your will in our lives. Thank you for this life and this love. Help my cousin to feel the same, please, and grant her your grace of love and your ease, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I have sent my husband camping. I wish I enjoyed camping, because nature is spectacular and camping is super affordable and has the best sights and lack of distractions. But I don’t enjoy it. In fact, I find camping to be rather miserable. I maybe could glamp, but only maybe. It would have to be super high level glamping. Really, I like houses in the woods, in the mountains, etc. Enjoy as much time out in nature as I like, then go take a nice shower and go to bed in a nice bed in a climate-controlled space. I wonder about how much this is removed from nature and how we were made and designed. I also trust that God will guide me forward with all of this. I have several circumstances which have turned me away from finding enjoyment enough in camping – rather, which have made camping horrible for me even to consider truly doing – and those would need to be resolved in order for me to be able to camp without constant breakdowns.

Anyway, so, I’ve sent my husband off camping. He loves to camp. He also has been immensely stressed lately. He also is wanting and needing to drop some weight. But he gets very mean when he is hungry. He has been saying often that he needs to hide away in a hole so he can cut calories and not interact with anyone. Since he just finished his necessary schooling, and he has a few interviews on the books starting next week, I figured now was a perfect time for him to take a small retreat into the wilderness, both for himself and for me. I need him to let go of this intense stress that he is letting control him. It is up to him to choose to be happy, but I do understand how much pressure he has put himself under right now, and that that makes it a whole lot more effort for him to choose happiness right now. (I’m not saying I agree with his tactics and behavior lately, but I get it.) Hopefully, this week can be the needed reset for him on all fronts, and he can come home this weekend refreshed and heading in a positive direction on all fronts.

God, thank you for this opportunity. Please, keep my husband safe and well. Help him to find you and your joy on this trip, that he might choose to be himself fully all the time and to love who you made him to be. Please, keep us safe and make us well. Keep us together, too, please. Thank you for our home. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

My cousin’s son had a baby about two months ago. I sent my cousin this message today:

Today, at the end of Mass, the priest did a blessing for all mothers. Then, for fun, he had all first-time moms stand. I was one of maybe three or four. Same with first-time grandmothers and my mom. Then first-time great-grandmothers. The people around us were pointing at Grandma, and my mom said that this one was number thirteen for her. There were a handful of women who stood for that one. (Keep in mind that this is a huge church.)

Then, the priest said, “Now, I only ask this one because I’ve seen it before. Are there any first-time great-great grandmothers?”
I kid you not, Grandma shot out of her wheelchair like nobody’s business – she had been ready for it! She was standing tall and smiling proudly because of you guys!

Thought you might enjoy knowing that and might want to share it with Ryan. 🙂

Pretty cool, huh? My grandma is 94 and a half. I told my mom today that I feel like we need to say the half, because it means a lot at that age. She laughed and commented on how we count every half when we’re really little, and then again when we’re really old, because those halves matter at those points in our lives.

Happy Mothers Day!

And to all who long to be mothers and to those who have lost, may you find comfort in God’s will in your life – there is always something better than we could have imagined waiting for us on the other side of our struggles. You are strong and you can find what awaits you with joy. You are perfect and enough exactly as God made you. And you are loved and worthy of being loved. Remember that.

Thank you, God. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

My husband says to me tonight that he learned something about wolf spiders today. I, rather automatically, reply, “Not to stomp on them?” He then proceeds to tell me how he looked them up and that they don’t have webs because they’re hunters instead – which I didn’t know, but which make sense on multiple levels – as well as that they, and this was the part I was expecting, carry their egg sacks, the females, that is, on their bodies… since, you know, they have no web, which I now knew. I then asked him if he stomped on one today. He laughed and admitted that he did, and then explained the terror of stomping on the poor spider – thankfully, in the garage – and watching the seemingly hundreds of tiny spiders flee the scene in all directions and at once. I was saddened by the news, and even more so by his adding that they all just stopped after a certain distance and stood around until he sprayed them with bug spray. Sad on so many levels here.

He did understand that the way he handled it wasn’t truly the best route, especially considering that those spiders eat the bugs we really don’t want around. But he did also comment that he now knows he needs to treat again for those other bugs, because the presence of wolf spiders proves that they have food available to them where they are.

So, yeah… both an exciting, interesting thing and a sad one.

In 100% positive news, though, our baby rolled over all on her own today for the first time. And she did it twice, both times she was given the occasion. Super cool!

Anyway, totally wiped, both physically and mentally. Lots happened today, in a way.

Goodnight.

Thank you, God. Make us well and keep us safe and together, please. Show us clearly our next steps. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Tonight, I picked up this activity table horse I’d originally intended to give to my brother, in order to show it to him while he was at the house. However, as I held it up, my husband came over to see what it was before my brother came back into the room. My husband, at first, criticized it for its price new – I got it used and in great condition for $20, versus $70 new – but, upon closer inspection, asked my what it was. As I explained that it was like the activity table thing, but in animal form, he proceeded 100% genuinely to explore the toy… ‘What is THIS? Where does This thing go? What does This do?? What?!’

I kid you not, as he fiddled with all the bits, his excitement and fascination at his own exploration of the toy was the epitome of what designers want kids to do with the toy.

My husband, the toddler. It was beyond adorable.

Thank you, God, for the fun stuff, like this. Thank you for your silly sense of humor and your childlike joy. (I suppose you’re the origin of their joy in the first place…) Thank you for this life and for my husband and for our daughter and for our home and family. Make us well and keep us safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I was discussing this evening with the neighbor about how depression kind of snuck in yesterday and was pushing pretty hard on me today. She said that she has also noticed that it has been off and on ever since she had the baby, and that it kind of sneaks up her each time. It has definitely been an emotional rollercoaster these past few months. 14 and a half weeks. I suppose it has even been rather whiplash-y, so much up and down emotionally, often within a single day or night.

But I saw specifically for this round that it might just be tied to my lack of feeling any sense of accomplishment in my daily life. I am accustomed to checking things off, completing tasks and then moving on to others. I receive a huge surge of positive hormones every time a task is completed.

And I seem to have very few surges of them when I don’t check off tasks. I have begun to feel very useless in the world, like I’m not making any difference for anyone. Yes, logically, I know that my job is to keep a baby alive and well, and I know that I am doing just that. But that isn’t exactly an item to check off the list – it kind of an ongoing and ever-present task that will last for the rest of my life, really. And that particular task keeps me so busy and interrupted that I hardly get any other task truly completed at home, anyway.

So, I’m not getting those surges of oxytocin or anything else happy and positive. Instead, I am living pretty fully in this cortisol-led survival-esque state of being most of the time. And it’s hard to feel worth it while spending so much time in that state each day.

So, as my husband and I discussed tonight, I think my best move is to look for ways to check items off my lists. Perhaps I need to adjust the tasks so that they are in parts and so can accomplish single parts here and other single parts there. I also would do well to list out some new activities I’d like to do for myself (and for the baby), and start working them into my schedule. More items to check off that way, too. Let’s get these check marks going and this oxytocin flowing(!), shall we?

Yes, let’s.

Thank you, God. Keep us safe and make us well and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I’m working on getting my husband to go camping. He has wanted to do it but hasn’t gone in years. He is very stressed right now. I am, too, but in a different way than he is. I would love to go on a wilderness adventure. But my wilderness adventures require normal homes, not tents. I can go get dirty during the day, but only so long as I have a hot shower and clean space in which to walk around and relax at night. And no, a tidy tent and campground do not count as a clean space. Nope.

I’m working on my ability to do camping. I wish I were comfortable with it. Especially since it’s so affordable. And we already have just about everything awesome we could need or want for camping. And since I want to go experience nature better and stay in all the state and national parks and all… Anyway.

The point is that I want my husband to get to go enjoy camping and relaxation in nature, even if I can’t. Especially right now, when he is so terribly stressed.

God, help us to sort through all of this beautifully and clearly. Guide us clearly at each step and help us to be the people you call us to be, our best selves. Grant us the lives you have set in our hearts. Keep us safe and make us well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I’m not sure anything about a job interview would stress me out more than a personality test. How do I prepare for that? Be less myself? No employer needs to know how nuts I am. There’s a reason I’m good at reading social cues. I’m not meant to unleash all of me to all of the world. This ain’t to say that I need to hide. Certainly not. But we also don’t want to walk up to the Sunday school teacher and start discussing our sex life, nor do we bring up how stupid we think people have become in society with someone who employs us. It just isn’t tactful or smart. I am extremely accepting of opposing viewpoints to my own. But I don’t openly contradict people who do not read as being truly open to discussion. (Because most people aren’t, by the way, even if they say they’re open to it. They’re lying. They’re open to stating their opinions like facts, and then meanly judging anyone who doesn’t agree exactly with them.) So, that being said, having to take a personality test as part of an interview process, to me, sounds terrifying. It also sounds like a 99% chance of being rejected, or, at least, of being treated negatively by others.

So, yeah… no, thank you. Haha

Post-a-day 2025