Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so picky. Because, then, I wouldn’t be up until 2:30 in the morning, working on a digital photo book and have it still be unfinished…
You know, like I’ve done tonight.
Ugh…
I need to sleep to recover my good heath and well-being, but I keep mostly getting just enough not to get worse.
Post-a-day 2025
Series of events:
I cross this video and send it to my husband:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DFYvJOVoiLM/
A couple days later, I cross this in the city’s kids resale group:
I send it to my husband, with the message, “We could have OUR very own giraffe, too! Haha”.
He replies, “Good Lord”.
Two days ago, he got a bad cold. Yesterday, he had an elevated temperature but was somewhat out of it and slept most of the day.
Last night, he asks me when I’m picking up the giraffe. I ask him what he means. He seems very upset that I wasn’t actually getting the giraffe, but merely showing him that one was available nearby. I wondered if he even would remember our conversation or feel the same about the giraffe once he isn’t sick anymore…
Today:
I got the giraffe.
Fortunately, he loves it. Where are we putting it? We had no clue. Presently, it is sitting at the front window in the dining room, looking to the outside world like a llama poking its head through the blinds to watch people waking by the house. I think that’s a good start. 😛
I love us. Thank you, Lord, for the beauties of this world and for your awesome creativity. Keep us safe, make us well, and keep us together and loving, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
What is it with my natural leaning towards wanting to be better than these other moms? I want to be fitter faster. I want my baby to progress better, to be overall better. I want my parenting to be better. Etc. Etc. Etc… And so on and so forth.*
Intermingle, though, I only seem to have such thoughts regarding those who are at a similar place as I am. A mom I know who has slightly older kids who are doing great? I strive to be like she is. I look up to her. There is no question of wanting to be better. I merely want to learn from her and grow to be like she is. But the moms who are at roughly the same point I am? Nope. Everything in my brain wants to do better than they do. Even the clothes I select when doing something with them stresses me out because I want to make sure I look good enough… that is, I want to look good enough that they can see how well I’m doing both emotionally and physically.
Ironically, I know I’m not doing better than they are emotionally. Not in-the-moment, anyway. They seem to have reasonably simple and straightforward routines with caring for their current babies. Not many struggles, especially in terms of mom breakdowns. Given my baby’s struggle with gas, I have had loads of struggle as a mom. My emotions have been torn apart these twelve weeks. Not to mention my postpartum emotional struggles in which I cry heavily at all sorts of things still.
And my vagina and pelvic floor still are not recovered. They didn’t deliver vaginally, and apparently have been having sex plenty already. I haven’t emotionally been able to consider it yet, not have I wanted it. Not really. The physical state of my vagina – you know, the bit st the back the doctor never sewed up – makes it a zero desire for me still. Let alone all the crud that is still pouring forth throughout the day.
So, while they seem to be doing better than I am on several fronts, the areas where I technically can be competitive with them, my brain just hard core aims to be. I prefer not to compare myself to others for success evaluation. And yet, here we are. Automatic competition.
Is it something in our evolutionary DNA? Got to be competitive and win in order to survive and thrive? Perhaps so. But it sounds stupid when it comes to recovery from very different events or to very different children developing natural skills as their own DNA sees fit.
Oh, well… ::big shrug
P.S, The thing is, if these women were friends of mine, I’m pretty sure I would make the effort to look cute, and then talk about how I made the effort for them and how I am to tell struggling most days and still look somewhat homeless most of the time. But I see that they are not friends in my brain, as I feel a sense of stress and competition toward them instead. Kind of weird to me, but that’s truly how it seems to be. Perhaps the competition is for non-friends and non-family. For the others. Huh…
P.P.S.*Please, tell me you got this reference. It is in my head all the time, yet I rarely use it in conversation with others – just with myself. Haha 😛
Post-a-day 2025
Facebook Messenger not only changed how they will be using our data in Marketplace, but also changed the color of their app icon. So, of course, I had to rearrange the whole page on my phone in order to make everything line up properly again.
And, if you don’t organize your phone icons by color, you’re missing out on a massive space of relaxation and ease for your brain. Not to mention that it’s fun keeping them all tidy. Even if you think I’m just nuts right now (and you’d be right to think that), it actually is true. Having the visual order actually helps the brain spend its time and effort elsewhere, instead of on ‘sorting through’ what it sees as a sort of ‘mess’. Considering how much time we spend a day looking at our phone screens, it makes all the more sense to have them tax our brains less, whenever possible.
It also seems absurd to keep phone app icons organized by anything other than type or use (my pages are by use, and each page by color, by the way), because it is. This bring a sense of hilarity to the task of keeping them arranged as they inevitably change color shades and, sometimes, full colors. (By the way, they change a lot.) Every time another one changes, you get to laugh at what you do next. And laughing is good for the soul and body.
For me, there is an extra layer to it all, too, in that I have OCD, so the order also makes me feel happy.
So, yes, I’m nuts. I also have a less-taxed and happy brain when it comes to looking at my phone. I highly recommend giving your brain the same opportunity(!).
Thank you, God, for your love and for this life. And thank you for my body’s ability to begin to forget the pain of labor and childbirth. Heal my baby and my husband, please, making us all well. Keep us safe and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
I was afraid to ask. I knew I wanted to be strong enough and comfortable enough within myself to ask. I asked.
It went really well. And I mean really well.
She even thanked me for speaking up and asking. She also acknowledged how what had happened must have shaken my sense of trust and made it very difficult to ask. It was a wonderfully reassuring conversation.
Thank you, God. Thank you. Guide us always clearly. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
I asked my mom this afternoon why the flags were at half-mast. She was surprised that I didn’t know – the pope had passed away early this morning, she informed me.
How shocking this news was. I had known that he was sick with pneumonia. It had not occurred to me that he might be in such a state as to be so taken down by that. I had no idea he was as old as he was. Truly. It was incredibly surprising for me, and so sad to learn, too.
And yet, perhaps it is all part of God’s will, in some unknown way. Pope Francis had a beautiful impact. Now, someone else will have the opportunity to serve beautifully God and His people.
Thank you, Lord, for these sorrows and how they bring us closer to you. Guide us always to be our best selves. Help us to love truly. Grant that your will also be our will. Make my husband and my daughter and me well, please, and keep us safe and together. Help us always to be loving with and to one another. Thank you for our home and for our family and friends and for our home. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
We did have a happy Easter today. There is a layer of stress still, to be sure, but it felt much better today than I have felt for most of the past week.
Thank you, God, for your sacrifice for and honoring of us. The k you for your love. Please, help us to love one another well. Guide my husband and my baby and me to be loving with one another, to be well, and to pray together. Please, keep us safe and together. Heal us. Thank you for the love today. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
Forgiveness seems to be the most difficult to provide when the outcome still has a possibility of being bleak… though it is difficult when a bleak outcome has already arisen, it seems ever just more difficult when the outcome is still uncertain, as the cycling back and forth on possible outcomes quite drives one mad. Thinking of forgiving those who created the situation in the first place, having the fluctuation of anger/blame and a willingness to forgive, the whiplash of it all can be oh-so-much. AKA it sucks horribly and I hate being in it right now.
God, heal this situation, please. Grant a positive result for this added concern. Heal us wholly, please. Make us well, keep us safe, and keep us lovingly together, please. Thank you for these trials and how the draw is closer to you. Please, don’t give them to us anymore. Help us to be strong with you without further trials like this. Let that be your will, too, please. Thank you for your love and for your sense of humor. I love you. Thank you. In your name, we pray. Amen!
P.S. Happy double birthday, Jesus! Amen! Hallelujah!
Post-a-day 2025
One of the best things I’ve heard (or read) these past few days?
“[…] and being asked to prove it is the most utter bullshit[.]”
Thank you, M. Thank you for saying so clearly how I have been feeling.
God, help us to do well, please, and keep us together and safe and well. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
I have been giving much lately. I have given much time and effort, and I also have given much in terms of financial support via items to my brother and sister-in-law lately. They are having a baby in July. I have given them so much already that we don’t or didn’t need but that can be useful for them. However, most of it could have been easily sold to benefit us financially. The total amount would have been kind of a lot, too.
However, I felt called to be generous with it all. Regarding my time and effort, I have spent hours working on putting together a registry for them, as well as writing info for each item to explain it and my thoughts on it etc. I even did a chunk of research for them on the stuff. And I’ve had to do all of this either once the baby has gone to bed, sacrificing my sleep time, or while actively caring for the baby, like nursing or burping it. It hasn’t been easy.
Again, though, I felt called to be generous and do this. And I do want to do it all. There is still more to be done regarding their shower and its invitations.
Sometimes, it is hard to feel it is worth the effort. When my sister-in-law throws a fit or complains to my brother or whatever, it can be very hard for me. Not only do I love my brother and want him to feel loved and supported, but I also want there to be acknowledgement of the fact that I am putting a crazy amount of effort into this all for them. Not only is it already a lot of time and effort, but I’m doing it while still recovering for birth and while caring for our newborn. Not to mention the trauma with which w were presently dealing. For whatever reason, saying “Thank you” or “Thanks” just isn’t enough to feel seen and acknowledged.
Hmm…
Post-a-day 2025
hannah ananas 