Author: hannah.ananas

Today has been a lot. Not in a bad way. Just a lot. It started quite comfortably, with my prenatal appointment being moved to tomorrow morning instead of this morning, due to a birth. So, after I had used the bathroom at 6:30am, I got to turn off my alarms and go back to sleep for another two+ hours. That was awesome.

After I got up, though, lots began. I met two separate sets of folks today who align well with my beliefs and such, both through Facebook Marketplace, and that was really cool to see. I have been noticing more and more how, as I lean into trusting God and just rolling with how I truly feel on matters, people keep just showing up who align with those matters. It’s really cool.

But that also means I had two separate hour-long conversations while standing today, and with people I hadn’t previously known. That’s a lot, both physically and emotionally.

I also managed food for myself, which took a lot of effort. I worked on the hardware for the crib, which was quite rusted. I made it loads and loads better than it was, but it is still rusty. So, need to figure out next steps on that pretty quickly, so we can get this thing put together, and safely so.

I stopped unexpectedly at a coffee shop my husband loves, which aligned perfectly with today’s being Veterans Day, as it supports veterans significantly. Brought us both home a nice treat from there. Rested but didn’t nap. I updated the to-do list for my husband. Got myself set up for tasks for tomorrow, when he will be gone at work for the day.

I also managed some other accomplishments that I’m not presently remembering… Oh! I washed the shower curtain and liner today, then removed the rust-free hooks that very much rusted, cleaned the bar, and put up the new plastic hooks that I hope work well – fortunately, I can believe that these actually won’t rust! – and the cleaned curtain and liner. I also traded out the bath mat for a fresh and clean one.

My husband checked off several items on his list, which actually relieved a lot of stress for me. I hope he felt good about it all, too. We discussed that I not only had made the list for him but that it was, indeed, in order by priority. The latter he had not known until yesterday. So, today, rather than his continuing to work on building the fence and doing other random things that were on his mind (the way the past several weeks have gone), and then not being able to check off a single item at the end of the day, he truly looked at the list. And he checked off a whole load of tasks. And that means they were completed. And I don’t have to worry about them anymore. And it is lovely.

Separately, it has been incredibly weird not being able to see my groin area. Just saying. I don’t know how people can ah doke that for their normal daily lives. I imagine they are struggling emotionally/mentally/psychologically already, thus their fat bellies. However, it has been encouragement enough for me to want not to be in this situation for long. It feels, somehow, wrong not to be able to see the front of my body with my own eyes.

Anyway, my brain is so done – goodnight!

God, make us well and keep us safe, please, especially me and the baby and my husband. Thank you for the love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

My husband is missing. Not terribly, but he is slightly MIA, to be sure. He said he was going walking in the neighborhood in order to win the step challenge for the week against my brothers. When I finished what I was doing, I changed my shoes and used the bathroom, intending to go join him for a few minutes. It had been over an hour, so he should have been finished or getting close. I would be joining him for the tail end of it all, no big deal. As I checked the map right before walking outside, it shows me that he is miles away… at a public walking/running park trail. But his phone isn’t moving. It’s either dropped on the ground or in a parked car. I know not the answer, of course, because my husband wasn’t supposed to be driving anywhere, and was supposed to be in our general neighborhood walking. And he told me nothing of this plan change. It is late at night. We have discussed many times that he needs to keep me informed when he is out late at night. He has told me nothing. So, of course, my brain is worried about him and I have been debating whether or not to get in the car and head to the park.

Most likely, everything is fine and he is safe and he just left his phone in the car for some random reason. Perhaps he wanted to run to get steps instead of walk, and so didn’t want the phone jangling around in his pocket.

But he didn’t tell me any of this, let alone that he was leaving the neighborhood at all. So, there’s a chance everything it not okay at all. Because he should have already reached his goal by now, and, even with having gone to the park to walk, he should be back at his car getting ready to head home at this point… and he isn’t…

So, yeah… dealing with that right now…

Post-a-day 2024

I can still see the swollen, protruding part on my lower back. But, as the chiropractor anticipated, the pain has decreased since seeing her a few days ago. I went to a church park day this morning to midday with friends. Then I had a ten-ish-minute test on the sofa at home before changing clothes and going to a baby shower. I helped manage the baby shower, then ended up hanging out afterward with them and going to dinner with the host and the guest and their husbands (and the babies of the one and her mother-in-law), and my husband came and met us. Actually, my husband went and met their husbands at Costco to pick up beer for the men’s gathering tomorrow (because the one husband had not done what he had promised, and so had no beers prepped for a large party of men showing up at their house tomorrow at 11am to have barbecue and beers in celebration of their upcoming baby. Then, the three of them met us all at the taco place for what felt like a late dinner, but that was actually only a 7:00 one.

We three ladies looked like it was 10pm or later by the time we were leaving the restaurant, even though it was barely 8:00 at that point. We were all totally wiped. Haha.

Anyway, I’m hoping to sleep well tonight and to accomplish valuable things tomorrow in our home. There is still much to be done. I know we can get it all done, but it will work we only if I am able to do my part, which is a big part. So, much for me to do in the next several days especially.

Anyway, goodnight.

Oh, and my belly feels intensely tight right now. The baby grew a lot this week, and there isn’t this cushy layer all around it right now. Almost anywhere I touch on my belly feels pretty solid. So, I’m guessing that means my belly will be adjusting its size over the next several days, in order to accommodate the current size of the baby, let alone its further growth the next several days… yeah.

God, make me and the baby and my husband well and fit and safe, please. Help us to do awesome pregnancy photos together, ones that we all love. And help us to handle our home and make it a place we love to be and that flows with ease for us for the rest of our lives, wherever we call home. Thank you for this journey. Also, please, if it be your will, make this one a girl and the next one we have a boy. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I can actually see how a spot in my lower back is sticking outward in one side, bulging, so to speak. So, that puts a visual representation to the nerve pain I’ve been having this week.

Yippee…

God, heal my back and spine, please, and grant me ease in my nerves. Make me and the baby and my husband well and safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Got to see the chiropractor this morning, possibly before she technically was open, but someone was there before me and another couple after me, so, perhaps, I was just her second appointment of the they already day. And perhaps we all had been squeezed in. Nonetheless, I got to see her. I had tears streaming down my face by the time I got up to her office, so I wasn’t feeling so hot.

However, she helped sort out the super intensity of the pain. Yes, it is the sciatic nerve, she said, and was also an unhappy disc. She caused pain in other spots that, as usual, somehow relieved pain in the spots that were hurting so terribly. It helped. She said it should continue to improve over the next few days. But she made it clear that this is a definite possibility with pregnancy and is not out of the bounds of the expected. The ligaments are softening at this point, starting the process of fully rotating the hips outward, preparing for giving birth. (It finally makes sense to me how a baby fits! It doesn’t fit, truly. The hips actually rotate outward and downward during pregnancy, creating a much larger opening than in normal life. That‘s how the baby fits through there. Without all that shifting, it wouldn’t fit.) In their softening, they are no longer protecting as they once were, and the sciatic nerve is one that can be, essentially, crushed by all the moving parts. So, my absurdly intense shooting pain is not all in my head, and no, I can’t just power through it. It is real and it is intense pain.

She said, “It hurts like a mother-f*****,” and she meant it. She clearly felt bad for me and is doing what she can to help me through it all. She had me get a belt for the lower back and told me I could wear it in conjunction with a pregnancy belly band to help relieve pressure and strain on my lower back. She also gave me a cane to use. And she recommended these arnica oral supplements. (I had only ever heard of arnica gel.)

Of course, all of these proved helpful. No, the pain isn’t gone, but it has lessened immensely. Except for when I had a sudden sneeze while standing, and everything kind of went to sh**, nearly paralyzing me with pain, and requiring my mom to help me, while I also used the cane, just to fall into a rolling chair. I had to sit in that chair for the next hour or two. But I had just started taking the arnica things, and they finally started helping enough that I was able to get up and sit on the sofa instead. That all sucked big time. But the pills helped immensely in the end. I was able to walk to the bathroom and back with almost no cane help after a couple more hours. Getting ready for bed just now still sucked, but was nothing at all like the last two nights.

Anyway, I am hoping to sleep well tonight and to be functional at an even higher level tomorrow. There is still much to be done before the shower in two weeks, let alone before the baby comes out of me. I finally have had energy, and this nerve stuff pops up. Is God truly asking me to chill out with tidying and organizing our house? Because it certainly seems that way, forcing me to be on the couch for the majority of each day…

God, guide me clearly and gently, please. Free me of this pain. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us three safe. Help us to sleep well and together each night. Thank you for this gift. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

A message to my husband just now, while he is at the gym:

Hey, for the foreseeable future, I need you to be home at night. Getting ready for bed just now was an utter disaster. My mom called at one point, and she wanted me to get you to take me to an urgent care or something because of how bad it all was. She helped me through it enough to function and get myself to bed, but it was terrible and she was really worried.
And I’m still very much not okay, but I’ve made it to the bed and am working on getting the heating pad on me to see if it can help.

…..

So, yeah. It seems like I have been having sciatic pain, and it has intensely increased this past week, upgrading from the occasional few hours of soreness and light sharp pains to intense, searing pains that paralyze me or drop me to the floor, screaming and crying. And no, I’m really not exaggerating. That’s how bad it has gotten. It took about 20 minutes of yelling and tears just to get on some short boots yesterday evening. I then had to yell and cry some more just to get them off. (I put on shoes that required no pushing from either leg/buttock instead and had only minor weeps doing that.) When I was getting ready for bed later, I was alone again, and things had progressed to full-on wails just in attempting to walk back and forth from the bathroom to the bed. It was horrible. A heating pad on my bum helped me fall asleep, but I maintained a dull pain the whole night and also got way too warm because of the heating pad’s being on me. Hopefully, we can have something similar tonight with the easing of the pains. Just have to roll off the bed enough to reach the heating pad first, which is why I haven’t yet gotten it onto me…

God, free me of this pain, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well and safe, please. Grant us ease from our fears by helping us to trust fully in you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I am discovering that, the more I am brave and trusting where I feel called to be and how I feel called to be, the more I find people who make me feel at home, at ease, and more of my best self.

It’s pretty cool.

I guess it always is when we truly trust in and hand things over to God.

Thank you, God. Be with us and help us all to be our best selves, please. Heal me of this pain, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us especially safe. Help us all to be better than we have been. Help us to trust in and then to you wholly and freely. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Currently trying to get myself to bed and asleep, but lying down keeps making me feel like I might hurl…

Yikes…

God, help me to heal each of my ailments. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I ended up feeling pretty darn crappy again today. I didn’t accomplish much at home, but did manage some little bits. I mostly just sat in a chair on the driveway, hanging out while my husband worked on replacing some necessary parts of our driveway gate. It’s kind of an awesome gate. As I understand it, he bought a package of metal and bought fence pickets and 2x4s, and assembled and … I’m forgetting what it’s called when one works with fire and metal and fuses the pieces of metal together, but whatever that is… the pieces to create this awesome rolling gate the rolls neatly across our driveway to open and close at the click of a button. And it’s huge. The driveway is a two-car driveway, and the gate slides to cover the whole thing. It’s great. But anyway, he had to replace some old wood that was, sadly, rotting out on the gate. He said he’d gotten the wood second-hand, which apparently affected its lifespan. (Oh, yes, he had torn down some fencing to move the fencing to the border of the yard, instead of going through the middle of the yard, and used that fencing to help build the gate.) Hopefully, he parts he replaced today will hold up well for a long time, given that they are brand new (and treated).

Then I went and met my mom at the opera. Ran into an old teacher who turned into a colleague a few years back and his wife. They also were going to the opera, and it was lovely seeing them.

The opera was Verdi, so it was very opera. His shows always are. His music is passionate and powerful, and he’s usually making a point, somehow. Tonight’s “Il Trovatore” was no exception. Haha. It was physically tough for me, but it wasn’t too long of a production, so I managed. I was just really wiped out by halfway through. I actually wanted to go home, I was so tired, but I didn’t really want to skip the rest of the music. So, my mom and I shared a cool beverage, used the bathroom, and settled in for the last part.

It was funny, though. The baby usually starts to move whenever I settle down. When the second act was starting, the baby decided to move around a lot, going very 3-d, as I call it. But my mom wasn’t able to see it without her glasses on, and then the show was starting by the time she got them out.

But the baby kept doing some repeated bumping in a certain area up top, after the lights went down. So, I grabbed my mom’s hand a set it on the spot. Within seconds, the baby did the bump there again… and again… and again… For me, it is pretty normal. The baby has some phases it does, and this repeated bumping in a single spot happens every so often. But my mom ended up sitting there chuckling silently, as it was really cracking her up for some reason.

I hadn’t been sure she’d care to feel anything, as she’d never expressed any interest. But it seemed reasonable to give her the chance when I was pretty sure she’d get to feel the bumps. I was glad that she really seemed to enjoy it. Afterward, I gently flicked her arm, and she cracked up even more. The flick was very similar to the unidentified bumps from the baby. Just a random tap for no clear reason. On repeat. Haha Whatever, baby. Just keep it all gentle, and we’re on acceptable grounds.

I guess it probably reminded her of a dog (or person) who twitches while sleeping. Like a little sleeping tick, the foot just gently popping out every so often in the dream. Whatever the case, those are ones that are a touch odd but comfortable for me. It’s when the baby does these rolling-type movements that I struggle the most and wonder if I might hurl. When it stretches out and pushes slowly and strongly outward, that’s an odd one, too. Usually, it’s the butt or head that pushes outward. There are also the sudden flips and big jerks. Those suck. Anyone watching me can see when those happen, because my whole body jolts automatically from the shock of it. And tonight, we had one other movement that I sometimes get but that always sucks: when the baby rolls and stretches downward. My husband was making a face at me to get over whatever clearly was not a big deal when it was happening as I started to walk over to him tonight. I had to stop and lean over and try to get the baby to stop the movement, it was so uncomfortable. I gently but firmly pushed my fist into my husband’s gut just above the pelvic bone, and rolled my fist towards his body and downward. His face was not happy. ‘It pushes on the pelvic bone like that?!’ he questioned with extreme doubt. Yes, dear. Yes, it does. He couldn’t take it for more than a couple seconds. I wasn’t even pushing hard. I felt justified. Haha

Anyway, so, lots of general crap-feeling today. But I cleaned a possibly repaired the airplane mobile I’d gotten, tidied up a bit in the guest room, posted the shelf we are replacing on Facebook, and got most of the extra safe-related stuff moved to the top of the safe. (It isn’t stuff that needs to go inside the safe, and there isn’t room for it all in there, anyway. But it connects to everything in the safe, and it seems best to have everything be in the same place, at least for now, when I have no clue where else to put it, anyway.)

Tonight, I hope to sleep well. Tomorrow, I intend to work on the guest room shelving situation. We shall see what I can make happen in a single day. Oh, and I will take a photo of the baby box from Babylist. And put those things away after the photo.

God, thank you for this life and the love within it. Please, make me and the baby and my husband and mother well and safe. Help us to pursue and fulfill your will. Please, help me do best by this baby and by myself. Release me of the struggle, and have me experience the joy and miracle of all of this, please. Grant us a healthy and perfect and beautiful baby on the upcoming 11 January, in an easy birth at home. And, if it be your will, please have it be a girl this time. XX for all the healthy gene balancing for our first child to raise, please. Also, would you have people go ahead and rsvp to our shower tomorrow and Tuesday? Especially the folks who will not be attending. Thank you for everything. I love you and am grateful for you. Thank you for my husband and my mom and my dad and my grandma especially. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today was productive and also rough. We got the shelf we needed, as well as boxes that I think will work for under the bed storage, now that our bed is lower. I may or may not have gotten enough to hold the stuff that needs to go under the guest bed for the time being. I got this cute rocking horse for tiny toddlers. It’s old and solid wood and was only $7. Of course, I cleaned it with wood cleaner, and it ended up leaving a big white stain-type thing on the back of it. So, need to sort that out…

I also made it to the fabric store to check out some necessary items for these quilts I agreed to make for my dad. Have I ever made a full quilt? No. I’ve done part of one. By hand. But I did some solid research yesterday and today, and I believe I have my bearings and will be able to manage quite well in the end. At the fabric store, I was shocked by the prices of various tools. So, like when I used to shop at Target, I pulled out my phone and checked Amazon for the exact same items. I was shocked that every single item was at least 30% cheaper on Amazon, and some 40% and 50% cheaper. Plus, the store didn’t have exactly what I wanted on some items, and I found an even better option on Amazon. So, I ordered the whole lot from Amazon, to be delivered to my home tomorrow, for free, of course. So, that was awesome to have handled. And it was great to have gone in person to see certain things, because I discovered a backing fabric that likely will be an awesome addition to the quilts that also saves lots of effort on my part. So, very productive trip there.

On the other side of things…

Got in a verbal tussle with my husband about baby stuff. I’ve worked very hard to get the big deal stuff second-hand at an immense discount, because I didn’t see any other way for us to afford it all. I got help, especially when I was really sick, putting together the registry as a list of ‘to-get’ items for myself. Then, I went through and categorized everything I would be getting myself versus what actually was meant to go on the baby shower registry. Lots of thought and effort went into this registry. But my husband expressed today that he was frustrated I got anything second-hand, because he expected his family would have bought that stuff new for us. This, of course, was the first I’d heard of this expectation, and it surprised me. I specifically anticipated people’s not wanting to buy expensive items for us, and made sure I handled those myself. It took time for them all to pan out, too, as is the case with second-hand things. So, this wasn’t a sudden thing I did. And I was letting my husband know all along what I was getting and what purpose it served and that I was doing it because I didn’t see a way for us to afford it otherwise. He had plenty of opportunities to speak up, but he never did.

I spent hours figuring out free and cheap baby boxes from companies, which ones were actually worth the effort, and sorting out actually being able to get those boxes. Again, to save us costs. And at his recommendation.

Yet, somehow, it has felt that every single thing I sort out for the baby stuff and every singe thing I bring home just kind of, well, pisses off my husband. I told him that tonight. He was not happy about it. I was not gentle in delivering the message. I was distraught and energetically drained and still feeling immensely lonely in all of this. I was not kind to him the way I want to be. But I also was honest in all that I said. It has felt like I’m the only one making any effort on all of this, and like I’m all alone and he’s just mad at everything I do.

Obviously, we have some stuff to work on there. It was a rough time this evening.

And then, shortly afterward, he’d said he was going to study, and instead fell asleep in the new lounge chair. I roused him and asked him just to come to bed and get up to study in the morning. He just went back to sleep. So, on yet another point of feeling incredibly lonely, once again, I went and got ready for bed on my own, and am now going to bed and sleep alone. The irony of it tonight hurts a bit, though, his being just in the other room (versus at the gym). He could be in here, and my whole brain seems to cling to the sense of abandonment of this each night. I know he isn’t abandoning me. But my brain keeps seeing him pick just about anything other than coming to bed with me, no matter the time, and can’t help but feel I don’t much matter to him. I have sacrificed my sleep for a long time now in efforts to satisfy his wishes on a schedule. But it feels 98% of the time utterly ignored and not reciprocated. Which sucks.

So, something else to work on for us…

And my belly – baby and digestion stuff – is aching, not feeling good at all. I did eat some food today, but it was nowhere near enough. I ate a bunch of candy crap just to get in calories, but I’m almost certain I still got nowhere near where I needed to be for the day, which is a huge part of why my body feels so terribly crap right now.

So, more stress…

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Goodnight.

God, guide us in your love and on your will, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us all safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024