Author: hannah.ananas

I realized tonight that I have low confidence in the balance of shared work after the baby is born. My husband barely notices an extremely loud alarm going off, and he rarely goes to bed before he is so tired that he passes out in a chair instead, and he also rarely gets up at a reasonable hour after having slept a reasonable amount. He does not manage his sleep well at all. And he also tends to have a very hard time shifting or changing anything about his routine, habits, or schedule. It’ll take him weeks most of the time just to make a simple shift in things. And almost never because I ask him to do so – that only makes it all the less likely to happen.

Perhaps things will be different after he takes this big test he’s been wanting to take. But I see that I kind of doubt it. He’ll just be on to the next thing he wants to do instead of managing his sleep or picking up his clothes or putting things back where they belong…

None of this is to say that I don’t love my husband or don’t want to be with him – I absolutely do love him and do want to be with him. But, when I see how other friends’ husbands have really taken part in taking care of the baby and the wife, truly making a difference and helping balance the load of everything that has to be done and the energy it takes… I see that I have little expectation of my husband ever doing any of that reliably, or, at least, without very begrudgingly doing it and, likely, being always hassled about it. (Which, of course, makes it feel like I’m forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to do and shouldn’t have to do, and like I’m just not doing a good enough job and need to sort myself out, and ‘Why can’t I just handle it all better?’.)

I’m certainly hoping it won’t be that way – I really am. But I noticed tonight that my brain truly doesn’t believe it will go much differently than I have just described. And that kind of really sucks… no wonder I’ve been so absurdly stressed about getting everything ready before the baby arrives. I’ve been subconsciously anticipating having to do just about everything all on my own, or else battle with him and beg him to help me with this or that odd task, likely resulting in my exhausted crying and telling him to leave it alone, because I don’t want to be around his frustration at being guilted into something, or whatever…

No wonder I’m so panicked and stressed… no wonder…

God, help me to trust you fully and to release this panic and stress. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us all safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Have you ever had a different view than someone on something, and genuinely not been able to understand that person’s viewpoint? I don’t mean the logic of the viewpoint, so much as what has the person maintain the stance. Given the evidence, given what’s so, how can the person still hold that viewpoint?

…

I just don’t understand it, and it truly makes me want to weep.

God, heal us, please, and make us whole and holy and with you in this life. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe and together. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

If the baby absorbs that which I experience during pregnancy, then this baby has been through a lot of strain and stress so far in life. And I don’t like that. I rather dislike it. I don’t feel guilty for it – it has simply been the life I’ve lived lately. I do, however, want to heal this for both the baby and me.

God, help me to heal this baby wherever and however it may need healing, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. Thank you for this growing family. Help us always to be our best selves, the people you call us to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

My body is struggling. These Braxton Hicks contractions happening every 30-60 minutes is exhausting. They are also sometimes happening way closer together than that, too. I imagine it is like working out, though. My uterus and the stuff around it are working out right now to built their strength for when labor and delivery time come. It’s been two and a half days of their being so constant and close together. I am curious to see for how long they continue like this, as well as how soon we turn to labor and delivery. If it’s like any other muscle, it’ll be weeks before they’ve gained strength, I’d think. Maybe not, though. We shall see, though. We shall see.

My mind is also struggling. There’s a lot that I went to finalize in the next couple days, but that the midwife said I need to have finalized by the 30th, which is in ten days. I think I have hit a point where I need direct help, now, though. I have been working so hard to sort everything, and I am hitting my limits, not merely physically but mentally. My brain and my emotions are tired. And they’re tired of being so alone for all of this. I noticed that I have this fear that my husband won’t actually be as helpful and present as I have been thinking he will be once the baby is born. I have accepted his absence, both physically and mentally, these past months and, especially, these past few weeks, because I know he is working very hard on his schooling and is working to finish it asap and get a job in the field. But I have been just anticipating that that will shift once the baby is born, where things happen to be for his schooling and work and all. Perhaps he has no intention of that. I have no idea. Guess I need to talk to him on that point, and probably soon…

Post-a-day 2024

Today was rough in a weird way for me. I woke up feeling unwell, but not exactly sick. I had slept for seven plus hours, but I used the bathroom and then went back to bed, because I didn’t feel well. I ended up sleeping until after noon.

I felt rested by the time I got up and stayed up. But I was shaking slightly because of how long it had been since I had eaten. It had been at least before I’d gone to bed, and I’d slept for almost half the day. I was also a bit out of it. I knew I needed to eat. I figured out what to eat. But I kept getting distracted and doing something other than finishing preparing that food. It probably took me around half an hour to heat up the oatmeal and actually start to eat it. I don’t even remember what I kept doing instead, but it was various things. I do remember that much.

When I talked on the phone with my mom, I struggled at the effort of talking and comprehending. I sat outside to eat, and even took off my shirt, so I could get as much sun exposure as possible on my body while I slowly ate. It did help, both the sun and the food. And I enjoyed hanging with the squirrel who kept getting on the table and checking if I had any nuts. After I finished eating, I had sat back in the chair just to digest and absorb sunlight for a bit. The squirrel actually came over and stuck its head in my bowl, checking for food, I suppose.

At that point, I went and got some nuts from the trail mix I’m not eating, and set them on the table. But the squirrel had wandered off for a bit, and I went inside to curl up on a chair and consider crying. By the time my husband got home maybe ten or twenty minutes later, though, the nuts were long gone.

Uhmm…. I’m too tired now to think clearly. I did it again, staying up too late working on the quilts. I only have the one here, as the other two are chilling at the friend’s house, waiting for me to go back over tomorrow to stick the front and back pieces together using the industrial sewing machine she has. It saved me hours upon hours of work and hassle yesterday, I am sure of it. It shall do even more tomorrow.

Anyway, I actually finished the one I have here. Fully. It is definitely not as nice and perfect as I had hoped, but I think it is still passable for what it is, and I think my dad will like it. I like it, in fact. It’s surprisingly good, given how inexperienced I am at making anything other than casual stitches on something simple for modification. Never a project like this one. No way.

But I finished it and I love it. I am proud of the accomplishment of it.

Oh. I cried when my husband got home and touched me. I was so worn down mentally and emotionally, somehow. And I felt physically like crap. But he touched my skin for a few minutes, which helped, and then I took a hot shower, which helped even more. Then we went and got our boots cleaned and shined as a miniature date together, which was short but sweet. That helped emotionally for me a lot. Then I came home and got to work on the quilt. I worked maybe 6-7 hours on it tonight. Totally nuts. Man…

Also, I’ve been having the Braxton Hicks practice contractions roughly every 30-60 minutes. It just adds to the exhaustion and feeling of being unwell, I think.

Thank you, God, for this life. Please, heal me. Make me and the baby and my husband well, and keep us safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

This was a reminder from twelve years ago today.

It’s still valid and still a great reminder.

Thank you, God, for your love and your strength. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe and together. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I’m up at almost 4am tonight. Why? Well, not only do I need to have the quilts done before the 30th, just in case the baby comes then, right when it hits full-term development, but my dad wanted to give the quilts for Christmas… so, I actually need to have them done by Monday at the latest(!). haha
So, I’ve been staying up late working on them. It’s something I can do while tired, just sitting there for the most part. I just put on movies and hardly pay attention to them.
Only did two movies tonight, though. haha
But I just showered and am stretching and whatnot before bed, utterly exhausted.

Today was long, but good. I accomplished much, though it didn’t technically mark off anything from the to-do list. Just half steps for several items, which is still good progress to have made.

Thank you, God, for this day and this life and this energy and wellness I have at present. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well and keep us safe. Thank you for our home – help me to do well by it, especially in the coming days. Thank you for my husband and our baby. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, I actually accomplished much today, specifically hassle-type stuff. So, that’s good. It doesn’t quite feel like I accomplished all that much. I just feel utterly drained and exhausted, and it looks like we have more stuff taking up space. However, after some sorting and organizing (and a few more deliveries), things will make loads more sense and be rather well prepared for the arrival of this baby. I made some real headway today, and that is a good thing.

Hopefully, at the next appointment in two weeks, all will look good to the midwife, and we’ll be able even to return some of the stuff I got today. I wasn’t sure which was best for towel and sheet options, so I got two totally different versions for each, and she can let me know what makes the most sense when she is here and sees them all.

A friend is coming tomorrow morning to take a look at things and see what is important still for me to get done here before the baby arrives. I’m nervous, because much is still unfinished, including the quilts I’m making that are strewn about the living room and all the clean laundry sitting out there and our outfits that I have yet to wash up from RenFest (so can’t put away yet)…. However, this was when she could come by, so this is how it’s going… I don’t love it, but it will be an entirely honest portrayal of my mental state at present. So, yeah… haha

Anyway, I’m wiped. Goodnight.

God, make us well, please, and keep my family and me safe and whole. Thank you for this baby and this marriage and this home and the love of friends. Thank you for your love. Help me to eat well and effectively the next days and weeks, please, that I nourish myself and the baby well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, I just added a boatload of stuff to my checklist tonight. I’m hoping to accomplish several of the items tomorrow, actually, as they are simple and take lower effort levels. However, we shall see how the day goes.

I also think I will be adding loads more in the next day or few. It is my sort of finalized list of things for before the baby comes out. So, even the annoying things I’ve avoided need to start getting handled now. I think most of them need to be done before Christmas, even, just so I can breathe at Christmas and afterward for a bit. And then I can spend some effort on the want-to-do items at that point, if I still wish to do so. For now, though, I have a whole load of must-dos. So, getting to work on those for real tomorrow.

Thank you, God, for our home and for my brain and for our family. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well and keep us safe. Help my husband learn and study well for his tests and to pass his upcoming test this week. Thank you for this baby. Keep it in there until the sixth of January, please. Naturally, I prefer the 11th of January. Your will be done. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I discovered some years ago that, when I clip my nails, I clench my teeth quite tightly just as I squeeze down the clippers on each nail. This was not to my liking, mostly due to the fact that I felt it probably wasn’t very good for my teeth, their alignment, or my jaw and head. So, I worked to make a positive change. To this day, when I clip my nails, I intentionally open my jaw, though with my lips closed, every time I clip my nails. I usually press my tongue very gently against my top teeth and the roof of my mouth – more like I rest it against the teeth than press it, and push against the roof of my mouth – and pull my lower jaw back just a bit to make sure it doesn’t casually clamp closed on me. My tongue is, is that position, actively preventing my lower jaw from closing. I still end up tightening the muscles around my jaw while I cut the nails, but it isn’t as intense as when left unattended while cutting, and I don’t have to worry about messing with my teeth over time.

But I do feel slightly crazy every time I have to do this. Does anyone else have to do something like this? Or, rather, doesn’t anyone else unconsciously and automatically clench his or her teeth while clipping nails? I don’t know if I’ll ever remember to ask anyone, but I certainly hope others have gone through this oddity, too. I’m very curious as to how and why it would have developed in the first place…

Post-a-day 2024