hannah ananas

I really miss my husband. He is doing very important work right now in preparing to care for his family for the rest of our lives, and it is likely to be this way only for the next five weeks at most. However, doing that work under the current time restraints means that we have very, very little time together. What’s more, our time together is often strained by the knowledge that every hour spent not in an airplane affects when he reaches his goal. (And that matters, a lot – much more than most people would imagine or understand.) And also by minimal sleep for either of us. He is getting himself just enough to function and to work safely and effectively. I am scraping by with a baby who wakes up every two hours, crying like she hasn’t eaten in more than half a day… aka I get very little deep and fully restful sleep.

I can’t even think anymore right now – I need to sleep.

God, please, keep my husband and our daughter and me safe and make us well. Guide us in all ways. Show us your will make clear our next step always, please. Thank you for these opportunities to grow and to love. Thank you for our home and our daughter. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

P.S. It almost isn’t 2025 anymore. And that is very weird for me. Where went the nineties, again??????

Sometimes, it feels like progress is being made, but then it turns out is it much slower than understood. And sometimes, progress is being made, but something else is necessarily regressing terribly in response. Both situations suck, and so know them both better than I’d like right now.

Post-a-day 2025

It turns out that my cousin and I just view something very differently. Normally, that wouldn’t be an issue. But money got involved before I discovered that we viewed it so differently. So, now we’re dealing with the repercussions of that. My aunt seemed supportive of our ability to sort it out. I don’t know how my cousin feels about it all, but I’ve said what I feel I needed to say, and am okay moving forward from it at this point. However, that will be different if she has things she still needs to say about it all. If that is the case, then I think I’ll just need to communicate that she and I see the whole thing differently, which ties into that I had needed to talk with my husband before she and I had done anything. But I was beyond exhausted and overwhelmed and needed things to be handled in a hurry, so I just accepted what she requested without speaking up for the discomfort I felt at the time.

Anyway, that sucks, but my aunt had me feel encouraged tonight.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity for growth. Help us both to grow well and lovingly. Guide me to have your words. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

My mom has reached the point of stress at which she has almost no fuse at all, and so everything that goes slightly amiss or uncomfortably turns almost immediately into her either yelling nastily at me or actually just screaming at me. It sucks big time. And she wonders why I don’t want to be around the person who is the source of all of this. This sucks. I don’t have my mom, and she doesn’t have… sanity… peace… joy… freedom of self-expression. This really sucks.

Thank you, God, for the blessing from your priest tonight, and thank you for calling him to your work. Please, keep my husband and my baby and me safe and make us well. Heal my mom, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

It seems my friend, be it intentionally or not, taught my daughter how to roar yesterday morning. And now, my daughter does it all the time. It is hilarious, of course, and totally adorable. But, when I try to do it with her back and forth, it ends up hurting my throat a bit. I hope her throat is okay and that she’s doing it in a way that is positive and safe. Haha. Because it takes me several tries to find a happy spot vocally while still producing the right sound. Who knew growling and roaring could be so strenuous on the body? It makes sense, but I definitely never thought about it until now(!).

Out of coincidence, I put my baby in a set of her new Christmas pajamas tonight for the first time, and they happen to be ones with a big T-Rex on the front (in a Santa hat, I think…). As she started growling and roaring at me just before bed, it was hilarious. Like she and the dinosaur were both roaring at me adorably.

Thank you, God. Please, keep us safe and make us well and whole. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

A friend came over this morning to help me get my home ready for brunch. She helped me clean, tidy, and cook. And she did with with a smile on her face and in a great mood. It was wonderful on multiple levels.

The whole reason she was here, of course, was because my mom had been unreliable and not helped babysit so that I could get these same things done beforehand. And the whole reason I was hosting was because my mom couldn’t do it at her own house. And then, at the end of it all, my mom barely helped clean up before trying to leave. I then kind of required her to be more helpful before she left, and she was, though only to a degree. She left the task I gave her only partially completed. And she complained to me about how I needed to leave for my next thing, as I finished the task she hadn’t finished. And I genuinely believe that it is extremely likely that she had no idea that she hadn’t been very helpful and completed what I had asked her to do.

And that sucks.

God, help to heal my mom sooner, please. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for M. Please, keep my sub and and our baby and me safe, and make use well. Give us great sleep tonight and each night. Thank you for our home. Keep it safe and well, too, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I was frustrated tonight that dinner plans changed, and I was worried about whether I could keep myself together emotionally. However, I ended up sharing honestly about how I was doing and why, and things ended up being amazing. It also turned out that one friend was also having a really hard time and hadn’t been able to share with anyone about it until tonight. And both friends did an amazing job at helping me take care of my baby. I was still on charge of her and caring for her, but they both spent some time holding her and managing where she was going and with what she was playing. It was a huge relief to be able to sit down for a little while and just stay seated, resting. And to be able to eat my food while it was fresh and warm. But it was also good to be in the company of people who understood, in their own way, and encouraged me regarding my struggles. The three of us are at very different places in our lives, but they somehow overlap just enough that we can all get it, whatever it is. (I hadn’t thought of that until just now. But that is very cool.)

Post-a-day 2025

Tonight, I found myself screaming because of my baby and then screaming because of my husband. I was not okay, and I am not okay. And it hurts so much to be so horrible towards them, I feel all the worse. I’m really not sure what to do at this point. My limits have been hit in so many levels, I can barely function. And I’m supposed to be hosting a brunch in a day and a half. And no, I don’t have any help to prepare the house or any food for it.

Meanwhile, I need to pee so I can go to sleep, but my child has fallen asleep on my arm, and I’m desirous that I not wake her… so, I’m avoiding moving, even though I have to move if I want to go to sleep. I also need to check on my husband and make sure he’s okay. And set his alarms and mine.

Post-a-day 2025

Our baby is so close to her first words, and I’m not even joking when I say that my husband’s efforts to make something very specific be her first words is starting to look like it might succeed.

Thank you, God. Keep us safe and make us well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Today, I got an horchata to-go after breakfast with my mom. I had ordered one just to see if it was good the first time she’d taken us to this new Mexican restaurant. Horchata is one of those drinks that is either gross or like home. This one had been delicious. By far one of the best I’d ever had. Everyone agreed, once they had tried it, too. I was worried today that it wouldn’t be as good as I had remembered it. That it just would be better than the crap I often find around town, but not be delicious on its own – only by comparison.

But the chefs came through on this one – it was truly delicious. So, so tasty, I happily gulped it here and there all day long. Even had another big sip tonight before getting ready for bed. Totally delicious.

Thank you, God, for this lovely surprise and gift. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025