hannah ananas

Tonight, my mom and I attended La Posada at the local seminary. It was, apparently, the first time they had hosted one, but we both were glad we had found out about it and went – it was great. I hadn’t attended one for, possibly, 13 years, and I really like the tradition.

For those who don’t know, Posada means “Inn”, like the hotel. La Posada is an event where, as a group, everyone goes around to various pre-determined spots and does a sort of reenactment of Mary and Joseph’s journey and efforts to find a place to stay and for the baby to be born. They ask and are rejected at multiple spots before finally being welcomed into the final location. There are prayers and songs and easy walking, and it is a bizarrely wonderful time.

What was odd about it this time for me, however, was the I was pregnant, expecting my own child to arrive in only five weeks. So, I had moments where the walking was very difficult for me, and I was able to connect in new ways to Mary’s experience doing all of this moving about. Sure, she rode the donkey, but I would imagine she didn’t always ride it. How could she stand being in the position for so long?

Ironically, no one rode the donkey tonight. It just wakes along with us and the dressed-up teenage Mary and Joseph (also an odd feeling to consider that they likely were appropriately cast tonight in terms of their ages). The Mary, of course, was not pregnant. I imagined at first that I could have played a good Mary, until I realized that I’m basically double the age Mary was when she was carrying the baby Jesus. That aside, though, I look very perfect physically to play a pregnant Mary right now.

Hmm… any last-minute Christmas pageants or nativity scenes need me??

Thank you, God, for guiding us to this event tonight. Thank you for the delicious and unexpected Mexican Coca-Cola that was ice cold and perfect. Please, guide the seminarians to see clearly your will in their lives, and grant that they follow it with ease. Release them of what holds them back from following your will with ease. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and whole, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home and this life and its love. Please, keep my husband and my brother safe in their flying. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

It had been harder than ever to express myself well when upset these days. I have not been doing a very good job of it. Actually, I have been doing a very good job of communicating my frustration and upset and all. I have, however, not been kind in doing so. My emotions run so hard these days, when I am upset about something, I go from saying very calmly that I want it to go a certain way or I want something to stop or whatever, to, only beats later, borderline freaking out and straight up yelling and crying about it. It’s like a toddler learning to use a toilet. When she says she needs to potty, she doesn’t mean soon – she means now. Her bladder requires immediate compliance, or there will be urine on the floor in the next five to twenty seconds, depending on how far along into the training she is.

My emotions have been similar lately. I can communicate once about something. I can even seem reasonably calm and chill at times with this initial communication. If, however, the request isn’t met or the problem isn’t receiving immediate attention, my brain cannot keep itself together anymore, and a sort of explosion of emotion happens, also within five to twenty seconds, depending on how much the thing is bothering me.

Is this reasonable? Of course not.

Can I do much to improve it? Not so far.

Perhaps if I weren’t so calm for the first request, it might communicate more effectively that the situation is, in fact, a big deal. Not so sure, though…

I must think on this. It is weighing heavily on both me and my husband, and even a bit on my mom, too. I’m just, basically, miserable in a lot of ways, and the stuff that bothers me really bothers me. And being disregarded makes it all the worse, that being how it feels when the other doesn’t respond accordingly to my request.

Anyway… I don’t want to be mean or nasty or bossy or angry. I want to be loving. I’m having a very hard time doing the latter instead of the former, though.

God, help me to be well and to express your love through my words and actions consistently each day and night. Make me and the baby and my husband whole and well, please, and keep us safe. Help my husband to accept my suffering without fighting it. Help me to breathe easily. Bring this baby safely and naturally fully into our lives on 11 January, please. Please, heal my right shin. Also, feel welcomed and free to release me of the sciatic nerve pain. All of this following your will, of course. Thank you for the dog today and for his love – may he rest in peace through you. Thank you for this home and your love and this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Being incapable of so many normal things, and being in intense nerve pain, combined with feeling exhausted and worthless and being hungry but unable to look at or talk about food… this is a not-fun feeling.

Post-a-day 2024

My mom had arranged to come over this evening to pick up more of her things from the shower and then to watch a Christmas movie together. She ended up coming later than planned, and she ended up taking longer than planned to pack up things into her car – there’s still much more for her to take home, but she took a good chunk tonight. So, we still hadn’t started the movie well after my Grandma had gone to sleep. This is relevant, because my cousin, who is visiting town until tomorrow afternoon, didn’t want to leave my grandma’s until after she had gone to bed.

So, my mom let my cousin know that we still hadn’t started the film, so to come on over if he was still interested and willing. And he came over.

We ended up watching the film Elf. This is not just one of our favorite Christmas films, but one of our favorite films period. We have never been much into Will Farrell movies, but this Jon Favreau film was truly a perfect role for him to fill, and he filled it spectacularly.

But get this: My cousin had never seen the film. It’s 21 years old now, but my cousin somehow never saw it. We both saw it when it was new and bought the VHS, we had liked it so much.

Nonetheless, it was his first time viewing the film. He had seen a dumb clip at some point and didn’t think much of it, so she never pursued seeing the film either. Tonight, he watched it. From the opening sequence, he was in love. Being present for all of his reactions throughout the film made it one of the best viewings we’ve ever had of the film, likely only second to our own very first viewing. Whatever the case, it was awesome getting to be with my cousin while he experienced this movie for the first time. He absolutely loved it and is now a huge fan of the film.

It really is just a good film. Well done, all. Well done!

Thank you, God, for good films and for fun. Thank you for my family. Please, make us well and keep us safe, my husband and the baby and me especially. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, my appointment today was for 32 weeks of pregnancy. Technically, yesterday was the end of the week and today was the first day of the new one (because we made the baby on a Saturday and my previous menstruation had started on a Monday).

As usual, the measurement of my belly was exactly the number of centimeters as I am weeks pregnant. Today measured 32cm precisely. Wild.

Also, my waist st my belly button right now is absurd. My normal waist measurement is 24″. As of this weekend, my belly at its widest part measured 41″.

Also, we went to RenFest yesterday. My mom and husband and I were all tired, but we did it anyway and had a good time together. As my mom mentioned, it was our last time pre-children, so it was actually nice to go, even though we all had been open to the idea of skipping this year altogether. I had someone with an industrial sewing machine help me stick together these leather scraps I had from the rodeo a couple years ago, and my pregnant version of my outfit turned out rather decent. It certainly wasn’t as chic or as appealing as my normal one, but still cool and appropriate. Plus, it was fun to make out of scraps.

Thank you, God, for our safety and fun. Make my family safe, please, and keep us well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I’m really just tired of a lot right now.

God, help me to see your immediate path for me, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home and this baby. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I have to rest throughout the day. Not necessarily takes nap, but physically rest – sit down and not move my body or my muscles for a bit. Now, I have to do it even more often than I already did. And the baby is bigger than ever, of course. So, when I sit to relax and rest at any point relatively close to a recent consumption of food, when the baby moves, it messes with my digestion to the point of big time nausea. The kind of nausea that makes me unsure as to whether the food actually will stay down. Well, a step below that. I wonder if it will stay down and determine that I’m pretty sure it will stay down, but it feels dreadful and acts like it would rather come up than stay down. But the nutrition of both the baby and its mother need the food to stay down. So, I just sit in misery while the baby does aerial-style flips and disturbs my digestion.

Ugh.

Perhaps I am getting into the stage where women get tired of being pregnant. I was truly starting to enjoy all the bumps from the baby and just the state of being pregnant, especially with the nausea having decreased to such a manageable level most of the time. My energy has been up because of that. The sciatic pain then started, but it only has been off and on, allowing me a true enjoyment of being pregnant, off and on as it is.

But, with this digestion stuff, I’m getting a bit tired of feeling dreadful. It’s been like borderline food poisoning feelings a good chunk of the time these past few days. And that sucks.

So, yeah… not fun right now.

I’m hoping for six weeks from today, Saturday. 11 January, please, this baby exits correctly and with ease, and my husband and I get to start the enjoyment and terror of the whirlwind that is caring for a newborn for the first time.

God, make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. Help us to accomplish all we need and hope to accomplish in these next six weeks. Grant us a clear path forward financially, guiding us with your hands. Help us to be our best selves each day, and to love one another more fully each day. Help us all to have a lovely time tomorrow at RenFest, and for our outfits to fit wonderfully and to look awesome. Thank you for our home and our bed and this life. Thank you for this baby. Make it whole and well and perfect, please. And, if it be your will, please, make it a girl. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. Since writing this, I’be been lying in bed to go to sleep. The baby always moves at this point, and a good deal. I have not recently eaten and am not full or anything. However, the baby’s movements are making me feel sick to my stomach. In other words, they are making me feel nauseous lying here, and it has nothing to do with digesting food this time. So, I guess, it is really just that the baby is bigger now, so its movements make me feel sick period… wow… okay, then…

Post-a-day 2024

So, I can run a 5k, totally pregnant and without any training of any kind, but I can’t tie my own shoe or pick up a piece of ice from the ground or, even, get out of a chair without immense difficulty. I can barely ride in a car or enter a restaurant. Let alone carry something and then sit down without sounding like the big, bad wolf, huffing and puffing like I just did an 800m sprint. But I can run a 5k, apparently.

It’s just wild.

Thank you, God, for making me well and for keeping the baby safe and well. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well, and keep us all safe and in your love. Help us to be our best selves each day and night. Thank you for our home and the love of our families. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, we did the Turkey Trot this morning. And I actually ran the whole thing. Near the end, I had to slow down in order to encourage my running mate who had joined me just before the first mile marker. She is not a runner and this was her first run. She had seen me from behind and thought I was going the right speed, so had joined me. She had encouraged me verbally as she got by my side. And then she saw that I was massive and pregnant and her encouragements shifted to a bit more astounded yet still encouraging.

I ended up talking with her the rest of the race. And I hardly ever talk while running. I think it helped to distract me from my own physical desire to stop and just be done. I hadn’t exercised or run at all, not even a few meters, since May. So, this was a big deal to be just suddenly running, and to be running a 5k, and to be doing it all seven+ months pregnant.

Anyway, her presence helped me a lot, and so I didn’t want to abandon her right near the end. She was struggling big time on the last half mile, so I slowed up a bit, but always let running and made her keep up with me. I was borderline about to put my arm behind her and push her a few times, she was getting in her head and giving up, so close to the end. “I can’t do it.” Tell yourself that, and you’ll always be right. “I don’t want to do it,” or “I hate this, but I’m doing it anyway,” however, work quite differently on the brain. Like the girl in Miracle on 34th Street, “I believe. I believe… It’s stilly, but I believe…” We can acknowledge that we lack full conviction or that we believe it to be absurd, but we must allow ourselves to trust that it is still possible to accomplish the goal at hand.

So, yeah, I took a couple minutes or so longer than I had needed, but it felt good to stay with the girl and support her, especially since she had, likely unknowingly, immensely helped me for a good chunk of the course.

Anyway, here we have it:

Also, I may have eaten some bad tamales, as I have felt terribly sick to my stomach and chest ever since having them earlier for a late lunch. It has been miserable, and I still feel utterly dreadful.

God, thank you for this day and its blessings. Help me to heal well and quickly from the exercise and the food today. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe. Make my family well and safe always, please. Thank you for your love. Help us always to live your love in our lives and be our best selves, the people you call us to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

A friend who knew she wouldn’t make the shower asked me today if I still most wanted the items marked on my registry as “Most Wanted”. She said it was a dumb question, but that sometimes minds change after the shower on what one wants most. I didn’t find the question dumb at all. It seemed entirely valid to me, as things change just with time and knowledge all the time. And I easily could have gotten alternate versions that I liked better or whatever.

Nonetheless, I let her know that I would check and get back to her. Just now, I sent her the following:

I think so! I just looked through it, and I was genuinely sad that I didn’t get some of them at the shower. Haha

I’ve been using Black Friday sales combined with the Amazon registry discount already for several of the most wanted things. Most people kind of ignored all the most wanted stuff. Maybe they just didn’t notice? Or they hate my taste haha

And I believe both options there. I think some people didn’t notice that items were marked as things I wanted the most, and some people just didn’t care for the things I wanted, and so got what they wanted instead. There definitely were a lot of people who seemed like they never even looked at the registry, considering what they actually brought. I think many of them probably didn’t plan ahead, and so needed to get something the day before the shower, at which point delivery wasn’t an easy option. Perhaps that can be the lesson for me: Always have a section to add at the last minute of in-store items for the late-ies to go purchase in person the night before the event. Because I had several items available at Target and Walmart on there. However, I think they mostly were purchased by folks right away, leaving only IKEA as an in-store option the day before the shower, and only a few medical-esque items at Target. Nothing fun anymore from the easily-accessed chain store.

So, yeah…

I am holding off briefly on an important Black Friday purchase, as I’m hoping my brother will come through and get one of these really fun and awesome (and incredibly useful and practical) items. That way, we get to be grateful to him and think of him every time we use it, and even send him photos of us using it, rather than just see it as another thing we got ourselves. I truly like the registry idea for something like this. Looking forward, as I use all these things that I love, I also get to be reminded of various people I love and who love me. So, I’m not just surrounded by things I love, but by an added layer of love from people, too.

Anyway, we shall see what happens here. He has almost a week to sort out if he’s gifting us anything, as the sale lasts until the first or so (need to confirm that).

I also like registries, because it’s fun to see what items resonate with others. I have always had fun getting items off registries. For my friend’s baby shower, my mom and I couldn’t stop laughing at the idea of the butt spatulas, so, of course, we got her that and the balm that goes with it. That was over five years ago, and I still remember it.

Also, for my half step-brother’s wedding, we bought them the 10′ ladder they requested on their registry. And we wrapped it and brought it to the shower ourselves. It was an absurd gift to give someone, in the physical sense of handing them a ladder and acting like it isn’t 100% obvious what the item is. But we found it both an incredibly practical and useful gift, and something fun and memorable to give. That was maybe 8-10 years ago, and I still remember it and enjoy the memory.

Anyway, I liked seeing the folks who picked things that related somehow to themselves. It makes it all the easier to remember them when we use those items. Others, it’s funny to see how they just went for whatever cost the right amount, and it’s a very random thing to relate to that person. Also very memorable. So, yeah. I like the registry and receiving gifts from it from folks.

And a lot of people didn’t follow the registry. I went ahead and did the no-receipt return at Target today. Lots came from there, but it was very much for things not on the registry, some of them having been intentionally excluded. My husband and I didn’t want to do it, but it just made sense. It was over a hundred dollars of items that I was going to have to figure out what to do with, some of them being things I truly disliked. So, hopefully that was the right move, and we don’t have any other no-receipt returns anytime soon at any other stores.

It felt good to be rid of that stuff, though I’m still a touch stressed about the no-receipt returns third-party monitoring program. I’m not scamming places, but the inhuman aspect of it basically sees it as such. I hate it. Ugh.

Anyway, goodnight. I have to do a 5k in the morning, because I thought it was a good idea for us all still to do it, following our tradition, even though I would be eight months pregnant at the time… so, yeah…

Goodnight.

Post-a-day 2024