I both need (and, therefore, like) to put on nipple butter and despise it. It soothes necessarily, but the necessary application of it onto my nipples using fingers both causes pains and a sensation of arousal. It’s dreadful, the combination of it all.
God, heal my nipples, please, and heal my baby’s latch. Help us to work together beautifully and comfortably with this all. Thank you for this opportunity. Keep us safe and make us well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
It’s weird – I always seem to crave Christmas stuff around this time of year. Around Easter, it seems. A friend had a Christmas music book open at her piano the other day, and so played Christmas music to calm down the baby. I felt very happy at the music, not at all like it was the wrong time of year.
I got a Facebook memory the other day, maybe a week or two ago, showing quotes from a favorite Christmas movie, which I had clearly been watching that day, a few years ago.
A day or two ago, I was thinking about a duet for “Santa’s got a brand new bag” that I’d discovered this past Christmas and shared with my cousin. Out of nowhere, it popped into my head. I started wondering if I’d told my mom about the song and considered telling her about it and sending it to her. But I got busy and never did. You know, newborn and all…
And then today, out of nowhere, I kept pulling up bits and quotes in my mind from Die Hard, and I found myself tonight wanting to watch it.
It seems that my brain just goes into a sort of Christmas mode at this time of year. Christmas in July always feels too late, somehow. Springtime Christmas is where my subconscious apparently goes. And I’m totally okay with it. 😛
Post-a-day 2025
Yesterday, we drove on a golf cart to the spot where we would take the photos for the gender reveal. Driving out there, we were going directly against the wind, and the ride felt like the cart was losing its battery power the whole way. The wind was strong. On the way back, however, it felt like we were flying, we were going so fast with the wind pushing at our backs.
What’s more, though, was the experience of that speed with the wind. For a while, we were going the exact speed of the wind. How do I know this? Because I stuck my arm outside the cart.
You see, I had noticed that the wind didn’t seem to be blowing… on us. Trees were moving, the wind sock was almost straight out – we even commented on this fact – and it was clear that the wind was blowing, and quite strongly. But it didn’t seem to be blowing on us. I stuck my arm out to see. Sure enough, it felt like stationary air, no movement. My brother tried it, too, and he agreed it felt the same for him, too. The only way to have that is to be traveling at the same speed as the wind.
(At least, so we all think. Let me know if there’s an alternative that isn’t pure absurdity! But we’re all nerds enough to feel confident in our understanding of the situation.)
Later, when we went and did the actual photos and we’re driving back again, we were going just a bit slower than the wind, and so our arm tests showed just a small amount of air flow that time, as compared to zero air flow the first time.
So, yeah, that was really cool, and all the more so for the fact that it was in a super nerdy way. 😛
Dear God, thank you for keeping us all safe. Please, make my husband and my daughter and me well, and keep us always safe and together. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
Listening to the Sunday Gospel and homily in German on Hallow just now, I discovered that, as the older son in the story of the prodigal son complains that he and his friends never got to have even a goat, the word used was “Ziegenbock”. Like the beer.
I mentioned this to my husband, and he commented that the beer has a ram on it. Sure enough, eine Ziege is a goat and ein Bock is a ram. So, a Ziegenbock is a male goat, a billygoat.
How fun to discover! I love when worlds cross. Haha And now we know why it’s called Ziegenbock… not because of the brewing type, but because of the animal’s name.
Upon further quick researching, I also found that the name Bock in the first place was an accented pronunciation of the name of a town, which was where the beer type was brewed. Einbeck, the town name, was referenced as ein Bock, a ram. And the beer they brewed in Einbeck was forever called ein Bock, a Bock. I didn’t dive deeply, so could be only partly true or not at all true. But makes a lot of sense, if it is true!
Pretty silly and cool to know now!
Also, we did a gender reveal photo shoot today. And I messed up big time. I was able to fix it to a reasonable photo in the end, pulling from the video I had my mom hold for me next to me. But my awesome photo angle ended up completely missing the flour bomb of color. I was and am somewhat crushed, and I think I need to cry about it briefly. However, I really hope we get to do it again, now that we all have learned better how to do it. Perhaps we’ll just re-do it one day this week to get it fully right. Not too likely to pan out, but it could happen! I’m hoping it does, because it is super cool as an idea, and it’s way cool that we get to do it. I’d be super down for doing it regularly for folks. Truly.
Dear Lord, thank you for keeping everyone safe today and for the good and comfortable weather. Please, heal our daughter’s digestion. Make my husband and our daughter and me well, please, and keep us safe and together. Help us to create wonderful things together as a family. Thank you for our family and for our home. Guide us clearly in our next step always. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
At two months postpartum, I have dropped 69% of the weight I had gained in the pregnancy. I’m not allowed to know actual weights, for my own sanity and well-being, but I was curious to know what my relative weight change was at this point. I missed the eight weeks mark, but managed to get my weight at the two months one two days later instead. Nonetheless, without being able to exercise at all or be in a calorie deficit with my food, I am down 69%. And it feels good. I noticed just a couple days ago, possibly right at two months, actually, that I am feeling physically almost normal again. In a weight sense, I mean. So, hearing the 69% was validating for how I was feeling. I definitely still don’t feel strong like I used to feel, and definitely not toned either. But I’m feeling more me-sized, and that feels good in and of itself.
Hopefully, the garage gym will be accessible in the coming days, and I can start exercising for real, so I can build up some muscle again (and release some major stress build-ups at the same time!).
Thank you, God, for your guidance. Please, heal me fully now. Heal my daughter’s digestion. Keep her and my husband and me safe, please, and make us well. Thank you for our home. Thank you for our family. Show us always clearly our next step in fulfilling your will, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
I chose to go visit with our old neighbors tonight at their house; I didn’t want to be alone for however long it would take for my husband to get home. I arrived before they did, and so went inside. I was barely saying hi to the dog when I suddenly had to rush to the bathroom to poop.
So, I was in the bathroom with the baby and the stroller squeezed in there with me. As soon as I pooped, which was incredibly quick, the baby started crying big time. So, I grabbed her and went ahead and started nursing her.
That went okay… the friends got home and their two-year-old started asking, “Miss Hannah? Miss Hannah? […] Are you in there?” I told her that I was, and let the neighbors know that we’d be a bit. I managed to nurse her a decent bit, but she started crying all the harder, clearly struggling with gas.
So, I set her back in the stroller and handled cleaning myself up (i.e. wiping my butt and washing my hands) while she started to scream.
As soon as I finished, I picked her up and took her out into the house. When she didn’t settle, I went out back with her, both to give her a change of setting and to stop exposing the old neighbors to her incessant gas screaming.
She was able to chill for a bit after that. Maybe seven minutes total. But it was enough time to go back inside and hang with the husband and the two-year-old, the one who’d been desperately trying to say hi to me and the baby (even though we’d all just been at the same restaurant, at the same table together).
But then it was time for her to go to bed, and my baby was starting to scream again. After far too long, (both adults had made it back to us) my baby was still screaming. The wife offered to take my baby as soon as she went and took off her makeup. When she was back, she had a few clean-up tasks she was doing when I went ahead and asked her if she could take the baby.
She did. I broke down crying.
She was bouncing the baby on one side, and came and leaned against me and put her other arm around me where I was sitting in the sofa. On my other side, the dog shoved her head and nose onto my lap and toward my face. Love on both sides.
The neighbor told me I was doing a good job. I just hugged her leg with one arm and the dog with the other as I sobbed.
All the normal baby stuff is hard. But it also feels mostly doable. The part of inconsolable gas is so incredibly dreadful, it feels impossible. It gives me bad thoughts. It scares me on multiple levels. Fortunately, I have handled myself safely so far and I have learned how to keep myself in check. I shared my thoughts with the old neighbors, and they were very encouraging, sharing with me that my thoughts were very normal and that the postpartum hormones have a huge impact on the intensity of my struggles right now.
They also told me that it truly wasn’t an issue that my baby had just screamed for, possibly, over an hour in their house. ‘We have two kids – a toddler and a baby,’ was a big part of their response, saying that they’re used to screaming, especially the uncontrollable and inconsolable kind.
So, that relieved a good chunk of my stress.
But not the original bulk of exhausted hopelessness I get most days alone with the baby. That’s still with me. That’s still hard.
God, help me to find your grace and ease in caring for my family. Help me to be the person you call me to be. Show me clearly my next step always. Help my husband to do the same in his role in this family. Guide us always and guide us clearly, please. Make us well and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
Two things today for which no one prepared me.
While carrying a baby in a baby carrier, it is immensely difficult to manage:
None was easy to manage. All felt absurd in the moment and still seem so now. The last one was muscularly very difficult.
Thank you, God, for getting me successfully through another day of it all. Help me to find greater success and bonding and trust going forward, please. Thank you for my family. Please, make us well and keep us safe. Thank you for our home. Help me to manage it well. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
My brother and his wife are expecting a baby in July. They already know what sex it is. My sister-in-law has been picking out colors and patterns for items that relate directly to the baby’s sex. And they are, of course, adorable, as she has good taste. And I have been helping her find items, too, that are both practical and adorable.
But they are really starting to get under my skin, in a way. I love the things we chose and received and purchased for our daughter. But I probably would have swapped just a few of them out for other colors or patterns had I known for sure that we were having a girl. But I didn’t know. And I did want to be prepared and not have to be purchasing necessary items in a hurry after the baby was born and we knew if it were a boy or a girl.
No, the colors ultimately don’t matter for the sex of the child. Not like the child cares, anyway. But there are certain things that just wrench the heart, they’re so sweet. Certain items in certain colors and patterns…
And my brother and sister-in-law get all of those.
For us, it would seem wasteful to get another set of something just for the color. Last night, we needed to order more pacifiers – left one very far away from home, and already suffering for it, because we use both every day. I ordered the blue standard ones because they were $3 cheaper than the cute pastel pink and purple ones. I was very sad about this tonight. My husband told me to go ahead and return the blue ones and get the purple and pink. He understood my goal of saving money, but also understood how much it was affecting me not being able to get the cute ones I really liked, and knew that $3 was worth the difference in this case.
Having my senses balanced out, I set to work on a few other items that have been on the list or were forgotten. The two that were on extra sale right now, I ordered. The third that is not on super sale, I left for later, whenever it might have a sale. (Fingers crossed on that one’s being soon!) While it stresses me to be spending more money right now, I agree with my husband’s point of getting the useful items we already need in the version that brings me great joy, so long as the price difference is minimal.
Now, we just need to figure out where God wants us working.
Dear Lord, please, show us clearly our next step in fulfilling your will in our lives. Help us be the people you call us to be. Grant that we may speak to each other always with your love. Heal our daughter’s digestive process, please – make her well and whole. Please, make us well and keep us safe. Thank you for our home and for this life and for this opportunity of humility. Thank you for my family. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
I have been working the past few years on speaking up for myself. It is rarely not hard and scary, and it often creates stress. But it also often results in a positive for me, be it in the result I wanted or in confirmation that things won’t change, thereby still giving me relief that I did what I could and it happened a certain way despite my efforts, not due to a lack of them.
Tomorrow is an example of a complicated one. I gave my honest thoughts on the idea of my husband being gone for at least 12 hours straight – not in favor – and it seems to have upset my husband greatly. He didn’t speak up about it, and so the time was too late to change things by the time I found out he was pissed. But I realized that that truly was okay. It means a lot to me that he was willing to support me instead of taking the extra flight block in the morning. Also, mornings tend to be very hard for me – lots of breakdowns when I’m on my own with the baby in the morning. Usually also a lot of mess to clean up afterward, too. Things just don’t go very well when I’m flying solo in the mornings right now.
My mom pointed out that he needs to be flying every chance he gets. But I think it is also important that we not let me fall by the wayside in the process. That happened for a couple weeks, when my mom stopped staying with us and my husband was gone several days for big chunks of time, because he was taking every flight block they gave him. But I had to speak up then and say I can’t handle more than about three hours all on my own.
I can do more than that now. But mornings are still very hard for me. And doing a 12+-hour stint that starts at roughly 6:30 in the morning just makes me want to cry, it feels so daunting. Had we been home two hours plus sooner tonight, I could be more open to the idea. But I got ready for bed right away when we got home, and I took less time than usual getting ready for bed, but it is still already almost eleven. If we were two hours earlier right now, it would be a very different story. As it stands, tomorrow will be rough without my husband even with his not leaving until around ten instead of 6:30.
So, it’s scary to sit in this space of feeling like I should feel guilty, while also knowing that guilt has nothing to do with what works. It doesn’t work to leave me alone with the baby for too long period. It also doesn’t work to leave me alone with the baby for 12+ hours starting at 6:30 in the morning. Things are improving greatly for me, but we aren’t there yet. Not yet.
Thank you, God, for the strength and the clarity to share honestly my thoughts and needs. Brent me the grace to speak always with love, especially with my family. Thank you for my husband. Please, keep him safe and make him well. Heal our daughter’s digestion, please – make her stronger and healthier than I ever have been. Make us well as a family and physically, and keep us safe, please. Show us clearly your way. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
My car showed me this when I got back in it after an hour and a half. It was sitting mostly in the shade.
Do we see that temperature? Welcome to the next season, Houston!
It was only actually in the 80s. But for my car to think it is that hot means that our seasons have truly changed. It was quite lovely for about a month here, really. The past two months have been quite good, even. But that is clearly all over at this point. Our last cold front seems to have passed, and the heat is beginning to attack…
Lord, make us well, please, and keep us safe. Help us to find your clear path for us financially. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
hannah ananas 