hannah ananas

I feel and look fat. I don’t have flattering clothes to wear right now, which emphasizes that. I haven’t slept well or enough in a while, which makes everything feel worse. My hips hurt. My lower back aches. My shoulder and neck muscles have a burning ache in them. My nails are too long. I’m not sure where my daytime nail file is right now, but I desperately need it to be with me during the day right now. My hair keeps looking greasy. It also is getting way too dry from one of the shampoos or conditioners, but I’m not sure which. It also often looks gross. My groin alternates between a gently painful throb and a sharp, pulling sting. I can’t eat much easily due to allergens affecting the baby’s system.

Oh, and the baby screams terribly once or twice a day, and often when I am alone with her. It lasts for hours sometimes. I typically end up screaming-crying right alongside her before it’s done. I have terrible thoughts. I feel like a terrible parent. I can’t seem to accomplish anything other than nursing the baby and usually helping her burp and changing her diaper. So, I’m being a terrible housewife, and the house feels like a disaster. I’m miserable in my home, mostly because of that. I’m also being a terrible wife. My husband and I seem to be miserable together most of the time, mostly because of that.

And I still feel exhausted and beaten up. Not to mention all the pressure of that I should be better at any or all of this than I actually am, and that I feel like I’m just failing miserably at everything right now.

And I don’t know yet what to do about any or all of it. But I’m going to sleep for now.

God, help me to heal, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Today, I took it easy most of the morning, thanks to my husband. Eventfully, though, I was not getting restful sleep, as the baby was crying far too intensely. So, I rolled myself out of bed and rushed to feed the crying child. She was in a baby carrier, it turned out, so she was pr ethically screaming right into my husband’s face while he worked… interesting approach, m’dear. Interesting approach.

We met virtually with a potential pediatrician for our daughter – I wasn’t s huge fan, though I didn’t dislike her – and then we ran some errands this afternoon. I learned the value of having enough of the right things, even if they seem silly beforehand. And I can barely keep my eyes open now, so we’ll finish there.

Goodnight.

God, be with us and keep us safe and make us well and whole, please. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Today, I went with family to the rodeo for real. We walked a lot and saw and did a lot, and it was s great time. It was also too much time for me to be walking around, carrying the baby almost the whole time. Sometimes even carrying the baby and the very heavy backpack diaper bag. (I’m thinking I need to sort out a lighter bag for when I will be on my own with the baby and need to carry everything myself.) My cousin and I were all for my just using the stroller, but my mom really felt it would be easier not to have it, and she said she’d handle the backpack, so I accepted her desired plan of action. It didn’t always turn out, however, especially given that I carried both for the first hour-ish.

Anyway, it was a good time, but was very hard on me by the end. We went into the whole rodeo, though, so I feel fully satisfied with having gone in person this year – I don’t need to do it again. Perhaps we’ll go visit the club, but I needn’t go into the stadium again this year.

Anyway, I’m exhausted and must sleep now. Goodnight.

Thank you, God, for the good time and for the good and helpful behavior of our kids. Make us well, please, and keep us safe. Heal my daughter’s digestive issues, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

We went to the rodeo tonight to say hi to my husband and to my mom’s husband while they worked a volunteer shift. They were working down the street from where my grandma lives now, so we walked over after visiting her. We surprised them. Everyone in their cabin knew who we were and knew about my baby already and was excited to see her.

Then my cousin came and joined us with her son, and we went exploring with them for about an hour. We made it to the petting zoo for its last five minutes, browsed books in the first of many little libraries – more to be checked out tomorrow (pun not intended, but adored) – saw some newborn chicks, pigs, sheep, and cattle, rose a humongous escalator – well, they did and I watched – looked at carnival lights, and spun a huge tire. It was a grey family time, and so truly enjoyed it.

Thank you, God. Keep my husband and me and the baby safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

She cried and screamed for almost two hours straight this evening due to digestion. I cried a good chunk of that time with her. She even cried so hard and for so long that she threw up everything she had consumed. There were many regular large pukes, but the shocking tidal wave made it clear that nothing was left behind. It was so sad and crushing to witness. Let alone the fact that it was getting all over both of us and the rug and the chair and the everything nearby each time… The more she cried, the hungrier she got. But even the smallest nursing resettled in puking it up again a few minutes later after she’d pulled off to keep screaming about the digestive pains. My heart hurt so terribly for her. My body hurt so terribly for how it must somehow be my fault…

I had a few times in those two hours where I wanted to hit something or throw something. But I remained present and kept my daughter safe. I noticed that it is harder to want to help her when she is crying so hard, because I can’t see her eyes. The moment I see her eyes, my whole being hurts for her and wants to help her. Without seeing them, it is much easier to be annoyed than to want to ease her pains for her own sake. But the point is that I have noticed this and so am using it to do better each time. I’m still not able to help her much of the time when she struggles with digestion. But I am working on staying present and remembering that it’s okay that all I can do isn’t enough to relieve her pain.

No matter how much it hurts to think that…

God, help me to heal her pains. Grant me the gift of always releasing my daughter’s struggles and pains, with her support. Help me to love her always, especially when her actions are difficult for me, be they intentional or not. Guide me to be the loving mother you have always called me and made me to be. Keep my husband and the baby and me safe, please, and make us all three well and whole. Make her intestines work marvelously, please, and always properly. Thank you for this life and for my husband. Thank you for our baby. Heal her intestines, please, and now for always, please. Also, please, heal my abdomen and my skin and groin area, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

“Fits discreetly in your bra” it said on the packaging.

Was the writer of the branding foreign to the English language, and mistook the word discreetly for the word obtrusively or the word obviously? Perhaps, even, the word ridiculously?

Must have been…

Trove – great idea. Not discreet. 😛

Post-a-day 2025

Today, we met up with my husband’s former coworker and current friend, both to visit with him and (but mostly) to have him meet the baby. It worked out with the beautiful obvious hand of God. We had a morning appointment, and I felt we should reach out to him. It turned out, all his kids were at daycare and school today, so he was on his own. What’s more, he happened to be at a laundromat right by our house in order to wash a big comforter. In the middle of discovering this information, my husband received notice that power had gone out at our house. We stopped by to confirm this, and then went down the road to meet up with the friend at the laundromat.

When we arrived, we found him sitting at a table with two books open, and only a single Hispanic woman across the room, doing her own laundry. My husband commented something to the effect of that he was doing his studies and having his quiet time, cozied up and settled in – he looked very comfortable, like this was his happy place.

He laughed, but began to explain that it kind of was so. He did take this time each week or two to have some focused alone time with a book and with a prayer book.

I commented, “It’s your coffee shop.” He agreed that it was.

He then got to meet our daughter and hold her for a while before we all went to lunch (quick note that she slept through all of lunch, and it was, again, a blessing from God for us to get to visit so well and so long and so uninterrupted with this friend – we pretty much never get that with him). It was adorable how delighted he was holding her. He’s also a proportionate 6’5″ perhaps, so, with her asleep in his arms, he made her look tiny in a way she hasn’t looked since she was born. It was truly great, and I am quite glad that he got to meet her on his own, so he truly got to be present and enjoy being with her in a way he couldn’t have done with his own four young children present.

So, we all just sat there in the laundromat, chilling and chatting, as if we were at a real coffee shop, until his comforter finished drying. It was a great time. I kept thinking how distracted I was in the space, and how interesting it is how we all find our own ideal spaces for ourselves, and how different they all can be. We were in his coffee shop today…

And I just loved the whole concept. That his coffee shop is a laundromat. It is not often that financial and racial, social lines cross for someone’s coffee shop. Not that it would be very loud with a telenovela blasting on a large tv hanging from the ceiling, along with washers and dryers humming loudly along around the room. But that was exactly what his coffee shop was, is. His study space, indeed, was a laundromat.

He even mentioned that there are times on certain days that loads of people are there doing laundry services for their business. On those days, when he sees all their vehicles, he turns around and heads back home – not the day for him to wash the comforter. He comes for quiet. Relatively speaking, that is.

Today, he had it. And it was adorable and a bit inspiring to see. It felt nostalgic, somehow, really… ❤

Post-a-day 2025

I am still very sleepy, and it makes it very difficult for me – remember that I am still dealing with some physical recovery stuff, what with the discomfort in my vagina area and the abdomen still being separated – not to grow overwhelmingly frustrated with the baby at times, particularly when she is practically screaming due to digestive issues, and has been doing so for quite some time already. I told my husband finally that I have been overwhelmed to the point of wanting to throw her down and walk away. It isn’t a thought I welcome, yet it arrives nonetheless. I am very careful when such a thought arises, of course. But I think sharing this with him helped him to see how much I am still struggling. Yes, my body has improved greatly from where it started. No, it is not healed. Yes, my mind has improved greatly from where it started. No, it has not yet healed either. I still need more help than usual.

On the improving note, as well as the overwhelm, I went to the neighbors’ house around the corner this afternoon. I tried to go in the late morning, but they left for a while (despite the fact that she’s said she would be there all day and to come by whenever…). By the time they were back, I had a screaming baby. It took me an hour to handle that and to get her calm enough to get out the door. I had to bring all the stuff, because I didn’t want to risk needing something important and not having it. I also had to drive, because they live just far enough that walking wasn’t a smart option for me (though they’re probably only like ten houses away). And my husband had to out the car seat in the car last night for me, because I still can’t safely lift it.

Anyway, I was there about half an hour or so, then my husband joined us for another half hour or so once he was back from his testing. It was a really nice visit. Their baby is two and a half weeks older than ours, so we had a lot on which to commiserate and many fun and silly things to share, as well. It was a good visit.

But it also was very difficult for me to make happen.

I pray it will get easier for me to handle such a situation. Thank you, God, for this opportunity today. Thank you for helping me figure out how to use the carrier without pain. Help our baby’s bowels to heal. Make my husband and my baby and me well, please, and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I love when people truly mean what they offer as help. Too often, it seems that people make offers out of a sense of obligation, or self-preservation in terms of status, perhaps. Offers like that, when taken up, usually leave a sour taste in the relationship. And that always sucks. When I make an offer, I mean it. I have had too many people not mean it when they have made offers to me, and it has me be mistrustful of people’s offers now, even the honest ones. I don’t like that. I’ve been working on just simply asking, seeing somehow if the offer was genuine or if it was a version of fake. That, while uncomfortable, seems to help weed out the fake stuff and create deeper connections with those who truly meant their offers. Around baby hand-me-downs… it has been a tough one to navigate. But I have been gaining practice in that follow-up asking… and in telling when things won’t turn out, even before the ask. So, it’s cool to be able to confirm my suspicions, at least, now that I’m asking. Then I’ve been able to move forward understanding better then situation and also knowing that I’m good at reading situations. Double positive there(!).

Okay, going to sleep.

Thank you, God, for this life and the love I receive and give within it. Help me always to see clearly my next step in fulfilling your will in my life. Help me and my family to be our best selves and to help one another be our best selves. Make my husband and my daughter and me well, please, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home. Please, keep our home safe and whole. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Here, I thought I might be able to go to bed. But the baby started moving within a minute of putting her down. Sure enough, she had to poop, and it was big time. Over an hour later, after we both cried a good bit, she is finally back in the cradle, sleeping. We shall see if this time works…

Dear Lord, please, help us all three to sleep well each night, the baby, my husband, and me. Thank you for this family and this home. Guide us in your will. Make clear our next step in pursuing and fulfilling your will. Make us well, please, and keep us safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025