I was gone for a few days, and now the world seems so different. Fall has truly begun, with piles of Pringles potato chips scattered all around the roadsides, as trees shake off their summer dos. Once they pop, they just can’t stop, you see… and I do see it. I watch them with a sort of envy, even. (And a slight hunger, if it’s the right time of day… but that’s not quite the point here – just a small part of it all.)
As I biked past today, I found myself almost annoyed with them all, those beautiful yellowy crisps, being so beautiful and serene and content… and exotic, even. It was as though they belonged to a movie, I realized – a really fabulous movie, definitely including a girl who has her life together, and whom everyone just finds to be totally amazing, and whom we all envy -, and I so wanted to be in it. Because, even if I weren’t that girl, I would get to live life with that girl, thereby guaranteeing my life to be fabulous and worth sharing with the world (Duh, it’s in a movie, after all).
Every so often, I find myself in a particular sort of rut. Not a bad one, per se, but a rut nonetheless – going nowhere, and not residing in a particularly comfortable or pleasurable place for the time being. During this time, I watch movie after movie. I watch them often enough, that I can’t even decide which movie I want to watch after a while, because I don’t necessarily want to watch a movie… the whole reason I am watching the movies, is because I want what they have, and what I don’t have.
It varies as to what specifically I am wanting, but it is always the same: I want something in my life, so I watch a movie to help me feel as though I have achieved whatever that something is. Financial stability, a partner in life, friends who love and bug me nonstop, somewhere to hang out with people I love after a rough day… the list goes onward and upward, for sure, making for a not-so-fun time when I realize that I don’t have anything that these movies have, yet I want it so badly.
And what do I do whenever I find myself in these ruts? Well, I tend to ignore it for a bit, and be lazy, continuing to watch the movies. However, once I begin reaching the point of stopping movies within the first half hour, to switch to a different movie, I start to consider what else to do with myself and my life and my time. If no movie is ‘doing it for me’, then I clearly don’t want a movie, but want something different… so, let’s do something different. Let’s paint. Or listen to music. Or play music. Or practice singing. Or do some of that yoga whose frequency you’ve been wanting to increase.
Yeah… stuff like that. The best one, though, is going to do something that scares me. Not like, “Oh, my, I’m going to die,” kind of scare, but just something that frightens me in my life. Once it was trying out a longboard. Another time it was going up to a stranger, and telling her that I found her incredibly beautiful. This time, I think it might be finishing unpacking completely, and going to the gym I recently joined (especially now that I have indoor gym shoes, even though I’m totally freaked about going, though I’m not yet sure why (That’s the next thing for me to consider: Why am I afraid to do them in the first place?)).
Well, I feel as though there is no real closing, closure, conclusion to ease one’s mind for this piece, but that’s okay – sometimes things are finished, even though we don’t go through the whole traditional procedure and pattern and whatnot… I’m off to sleep, and I hope to clear up whatever is in the way for my going to the gym and unpacking tomorrow, because, even though I totally don’t want to do either one, I so want to do them both. I’m just letting my concerns stop me. So, may tonight be the last semi-compulsory movie night, and may tomorrow be the beginning of my being more fit each and every day. 😀 Yes.
Day 36 of 40