My baby has been sleeping with me the past few weeks. I don’t prefer it as a whole, but it gives me multiple hours more of sleep each night. It isn’t great sleep, but it averages to much more sleep than I was getting before, when she was in her crib even the first part of the night.
You see, when she sleeps in her crib, I have to be awakened slowly and miserably by her cries and lug myself, sleep deprived, into the other room at least twice a night. Then I have to sit in the chair in there while she nurses and keep myself awake, so that I don’t drop her (a real fear that I’m not willing to risk). It usually take 20-45 minutes to get her back to bed, nursing included. Oh, but it also usually take about an hour to out her to bed in the first place, because she keeps not being done nursing. So, I end up with stints of only 2-3 hours of sleep throughout the night. Super sucky. It makes 10 hours of sleep feel like four. It makes four hours of sleep also feel like four. It just leaves me utterly exhausted.
And so, I started just bringing her into my bedroom the second time she woke up during the night. The time I was beyond tired and had clearly left her crying for more than a few minutes because I couldn’t physically wake myself up enough to move. (Despite being awake mentally, due to the crying.)
That made a positive difference in how I felt each day. I was a step above miserable, but it was still a massive improvement.
Then, I was beyond tired one night, and I just lay down on my bed to nurse her before putting her to bed… and then I just went ahead and turned off the lights and went to sleep myself.
And I’ve been doing that ever since.
I’m still tired, but now I’m just tired. I’m not a miserable mess all day, every day, simply due to sleep. I’m not crying constantly because I can’t regulate myself and my emotional reactions. I can function now. Not greatly, no. But I am functioning again. And it feels awesome.
Of course, it makes me wish I had even better sleep. Because, though I stay in bed almost the whole night – I do have to get up to pee at least once, if not twice, still – it is a slightly disturbed sleep. I always have to keep tabs on the baby. But I only have to hit half-consciousness whenever she wakes, crying, and pull her toward me. Then we both fall right back to sleep while she nurses, and neither of us has to open our eyes, even.
Anyway, time to sleep now. She’s passed out in my arms. I tried putting her in the crib, but she freaked out and screamed a bit. So, she’s been nursing again while I sit on my bed, and I’m too tired to stay awake anymore tonight. Unless my husband wants to surprise me by coming to check on us – unlikely – she’ll be in here again for the whole night.
God, guide us all to sleep better than we have been sleeping. Heal our fears. Guide us clearly and kindly always. Close the case quickly in a positive direction for us, please. Show us our exact next steps for this all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
