Author: hannah.ananas

We do not often combine the ideas of a parasitic relationship and pregnancy. However, from recent experience, it seems very much to be so that pregnancy is, indeed, a parasitic relationship. No, it – well, usually, anyway – doesn’t end with the host’s mortality being met. But the feeding entity does take directly from the host, and the host has no control over what it loses to the feeding body. The only way for the host to survive it is to guarantee the survival of the feeder. Once it is strong enough to live on its own, the host is able to operate for its own care and function once again.

And, of course, the hope is that the baby is a better version of a being than the parent was. Just as is expected in the outcome of parasitic relationships…

Just saying. It might not meet every specific of such relationships and their common features. But it certainly aligns with that more so than the other relationships in nature.

God, help me to be well as this baby grows into its own well, happy, holy being. Keep my husband safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

***Bathroom stuff mentioned – be warned***

My current daily routine is to stay in bed as long as I can stand, then get up out of necessity by eight and have horrible, painful diarrhea (I’ve had it daily for weeks, even multiple times a day half the days, but it is now worse than it has been, and by a lot.). Then, when it seems like my belly might be settled, I have a single sip of water before climbing back into bed to sleep as long as possible before my stomach begins to ache differently from lack of nutrition.

Then, I get up and scramble with trepidation to create a breakfast that I actually can consume, let alone that won’t make me have a terrible stomachache in a few hours – all the gluten stuff does that to me, though they are the main things that ease the nausea… ironic, I know. The past two days, it has been a fried egg taco with only a bit of salt. (Oh, and I can’t actually talk about or smell food. Those both makes me sick, too. Even writing that just now made me feel sick.)

Then I remember to take my vitamins, and I get to feel extremely nauseous for a while again. Then I scramble the rest of the day to find anything I can eat and drink without repercussions, and trade back and forth between attempting to snack, holding my belly and mouth, napping to avoid the world, and rushing to the bathroom. I am both too hot and too cold all day long – too cold makes me feel common cold-like sick, and too hot makes me want to vomit. Trying to do anything on the phone makes me want to vomit. I make myself go for at least one walk. Unfortunately, it is painfully hot out this time of year here, and the sun also makes me want to vomit when it hits my skin for more than a second. And throw in a bit of irrational crying here and there, just for fun (meaning it is not fun).

And by the way, when I say it makes me feel sick, I mean in an absolutely incapacitating way. I cannot function. I can barely move and talk, let alone make my brain operate normally.

When I finally shower and get ready for bed, the hot water makes me feel sick, but the cold makes my body physically miserable. I get into bed, exhausted, and can’t lie down, because I’m feeling suddenly way more sick than I was feeling just a while beforehand. I then sit in bed, avoiding for a while, pray for some gas to release, and eventually moan and grown very loudly as I force myself to lie down, though at an angle. I then shift and moan in misery for a while, before I finally pass out for two hours. Then I wake up, needing to pee, go to the bathroom, and then get back in bed to find that I have way too much gas inside me and I cannot fall back asleep. I then struggle for the next several hours, going in and out of very restless and unsatisfying sleep, before my stomach finally seems empty around six AM, and I sleep semi-normally for another two more hours.

Then it repeats.

It feels like I’m not getting anything done and like I’m just avoiding life right now. I suppose, in a way, I am accomplishing very much – it just isn’t visible yet. And I’m not wasting my days. They just have more of a tight focus on what they’re dedicated to doing right now, and there isn’t room for anything else most of the time. Still makes it hard not to feel depressed and lazy and like I’m failing to accomplish anything at all.

You can see, I’m really not doing so well with the mind over matter here. Being so nauseous and having such intense – I mean, I look several months pregnant at certain points in the day because of the gas buildup – bloating is not going well for me and getting anything done other than crying and groaning.

If I look at the full forecast, I just start to cry. I have to do it David Goggins style. Just one more rep. I can’t even look at the whole day at a time. Just one step at a time – whatever is the very next thing on the list. Beyond that, I start to freak and feel like it is an impossible task.

Things have been immensely harder this time compared to last time. I am taking it as a good sign, that everything on the inside is doing what it’s supposed to do to grow a healthy, living human being. That doesn’t mean that I don’t grow slightly hopeless at times. It sometimes does feel impossible to get through any more of this physical misery, let alone weeks, possibly months, of it. It is said that the hormones after birth make the mother forget how hard any of it was to get to the point of having the actual child in her arms. If I can get to that point, I can accept all of this.

However, I have certainly noticed within myself these past few days that, if it somehow didn’t work out this time, I’m not sure I’d be willing to go through it yet again for an undesired outcome. Suffering is worth it when joy results. But suffering for suffering is a hard one to choose willingly. I know that God will take care of us. That doesn’t mean I have any idea how that will look, though. I can ask and do my best for certain outcomes, but it isn’t ultimately up to me. That’s sometimes very hard for me to swallow. This suffering is definitely one of those times.

Dear God, please, help me to find easier function in life throughout this pregnancy. Help me to grow the healthy child we long to have while also being and feeling well enough to operate on a functional level, please. Please, help to relieve this nausea. Please, help. Keep us both safe, make us both well and strong, please. Keep my husband always safe. Thank you for this opportunity. Please, help me to be well with it. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Still feeling sick. Had a great and unexpected day hanging with my husband’s cousin and her family, all who just moved in only a few minutes away from us. But also felt very sick and crappy most of the time.

God, help me to eat well and be well throughout all of this. Ease my illness and help us all to be well and healthy, happy and holy. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I got to rest today and all, but ended up feeling sicker than ever so far. I’m nervous about volunteering tomorrow, of course. But, I suppose, it will be like Friday. My responsible knows my situation, and, if I need to leave, I need to leave. He won’t stop me if I am that unwell. He probably will call for a golf cart to take me to my car, if it comes to that. So, I will serve as long as I can serve.

God, help me to sleep well tonight and to have a healthy and good day tomorrow. Help me learn to work well with this baby, and help our bodies to become comfortable with one another, that we both find a space of thriving. Make us healthy and well and safe, please, my husband included. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

The tournament actually went rather well today. I am sun-worn and exhausted, but it was a good day. I shared my current status with the two older men in charge of the hole where I was stationed, and they did a great job of keeping an eye on me throughout the day. Though, not much was needed from them. I actually was mostly okay all day. I managed to eat one of the breakfast sandwiches they had for volunteers when I arrived, and it helped immensely with the nausea. Then, apparently, blue Powerade, ice water, and my snacks got me through most of the day. When someone finally brought us some sandwiches, I was starting to feel sick. But I felt much better after I ate some of the sandwich.

I ate a bit more when we got back to the volunteer room about half an hour later, but not much. I was satisfied for the time being.

By the time I finally got home, though, I was beyond wiped out and my belly was hurting. I had a protein-dense cashew milk thing, then showered and am now lying in bed, letting out gas. (Sorry, but it’s true. I’m not enjoying it either.) As soon as I’m able to curl up and sleep, I am doing it. Just waiting for enough gas to exit either direction, so that I’m reasonably comfortable and can fall asleep.

But it was an impressively good day, especially for my health and well-being.

Oh, and it was really cool to see great golfers up close while they played. Including ones that I’ve seen on tv(!). They look exactly the same in person. Haha It was cool.

Thank you, God, for today. Please, help me to sleep well tonight and to have another good day tomorrow. Help me to be of service and to make a positive difference through my efforts. Make me comfortable in this pregnancy, while bringing it healthily to full-term and the life-long joy we seek as a family. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I signed up to volunteer for a golf tournament this weekend. I was rather excited when I did so. However, I have been so utterly ill all week, and I still haven’t figured out well enough what specifically I can eat and drink successfully to help, I’m not so sure how tomorrow will go. It is an unfortunately strict event, what with a stupid clear bag policy. So, I can’t even bring a cooler with the few cold things I have discovered that I can tolerate. Surprisingly, cold stuff feels good, and room temperature water makes me feel ill almost immediately.

But, I figure, I am scared of going. So, I’ll go ahead and go. And, if it turns out I am too ill to last, I’ll let my leader know and just go home. Perhaps, moving around and interacting with others will be helpful for me. And perhaps they’ll have icy cold water to drink in all the coolers, and it will help balance the heat of the day.

Frankly, I think the heat might get to me too much, and I’ll have to bow out. But I’ll just let my leader know when I arrive what my situation is, and tell him I’m here to give it my best as long as it doesn’t seem detrimental to me. I might be able to step into cooler areas between golfers, and it might be quite tolerable.

I will be in God’s hands. I know how my day will look if I stay home. So, let us go and see how the day can be by going to be of service in something intriguing to me. Even though they don’t even allow pocket knives… this is Texas(!). Our government buildings allow pocket knives.

Anyway, I hope my day goes well tomorrow, no matter what specifically happens.

God, keep us safe and help us to be well this weekend especially. Help me to have exactly the foods that serve our bodies the best, as well as the drinks that serve our bodies best in being their best. Grant me strength and quality food, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today has been tough. I got the final blood test done, and got to go see my mom right afterward, as she had been having lunch just down the street from the place. I cried multiple times today – very emotional without normal cause. It was good to see my mom and be hugged, as my husband has been gone for work and training the past few days.

I discovered that moving around does help me to feel better, and even went on a brisk walk this evening. It helped much, but the exhaustion only allows so much effort to be made before requiring a rest. The walk just about put me to sleep.

Hopefully, we can get the home gym set up this weekend, and I can get back to actual exercise. I need it now not only for my mental well-being, but also for my physical well-being in a whole new level. I need to move.

Perhaps, tomorrow, I’ll sit on the stationary bicycle and watch a movie or something for a while. Rest while moving… it might help just as I need right now…

Okay, too tired to function anymore, now hat my husband has safely landed. Goodnight.

God, thank you for this life and this day’s blessings. Keep us safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I turned in all my stuff today to the school where I had worked this year. I rechecked a student’s exam, per his request, to confirm that he did not, in fact, answer all of the free response section of the test. (That part was quite sad, actually. He had prepared reasonably well for the exam and would have done great on it – he’d gotten full credit on everything else. He would have been very close to a hundred had he not completely gone dumb and ignored the directions, skipping entirely the two French short-answer questions… which we had practiced in class… ::big sigh. He so could have done it.)

Surprisingly, it was mostly painless. I didn’t run into the folks who ruined the school for me, so that helped. But the people I did see were very sweet and genuine. One even chased me down across campus to make sure he could say goodbye properly to me. That was super sweet and meant a lot to me.

Thank you, God, for the love and care and courage today. And thank you for getting me out of a place where I am not fully welcome and wanted. Help me always to pursue and fulfill your will, being my best self. Keep me and my family healthy and well and together and loving. Help us all to trust in you always and in all ways. Thank you for this life and this love, and thank k you for your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I had to get another blood test today. Fortunately, an old neighbor mentioned what specifically to say so that the technicians would use the smaller needle for me. It only takes an extra few seconds total, but they almost always use the larger needle since it is faster.

When I went a previous time, I had mentioned that it was always very physically painful for me. The technician offered to use “the smaller needle”. I was delighted to discover there was a smaller one. All went well. It still hurt, but not as badly as usual. The next time, however, when I asked for “the smaller needle”, the technician kind of scoffed and said something to brush away the request, as though there only was one needle size. I felt duped, but also remembered looking at the needle the previous time – it had been smaller than the one in front of me right now.

Naturally, I bruised on this one.

When I went back this weekend, I imagined I had made it up about the smaller needle, and was too embarrassed to say anything about it. I didn’t bruise this time – the lady was very gentle and kept apologizing, because she truly saw how painful it was for me. But it still very much hurt, and it left a blood mark that still is there and slightly tender.

Nonetheless, an old neighbor who is also a nurse told me afterward to use the phrase “butterfly needle” and, if needed, “I respectfully request that you use a butterfly needle,” should the technician try to use the standard one despite my initial request.

So, when I went today, I requested a butterfly needle, please. The lady didn’t say anything, but went briefly into another room and came back with a little package thing. She gathered the rest of her supplies, then opened the little package. Of course, it was the smaller needle with the little ‘butterfly’ wings to hold it steadily and the flexible tube for the blood to transfer to the vile indirectly.

I kid you not, it was loads better than the other day. It absolutely still stung and was sore for a while afterward, but nowhere near as much or as long as usual. And that was great.

My body clearly is not about being messed with. I am, therefore, grateful for the help I was given in helping to ease the stress and pain of this current situation.

Thank you, God, for the greater ease of today’s test and interaction. And thank you for the care I was given by my friend today afterward. Keep us safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I can tell that my body needs sleep and rest – it is exhausted from the intense mental and emotional strain and storm that has occurred this school year, but it is also physically tired from them. What’s more, my body is now tired from all the new stuff going on.

So, summer is here at a good time, in the sense of giving me space to rest. But it also makes it all the harder to get anything accomplished, because there is only ever a vague timeline during the summer… and vague timelines don’t very well get me to get stuff done that I don’t quite feel like doing… especially when I am exhausted.

God, help me, please. Keep us safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024