hannah ananas

I think I had a demon or three removed from me yesterday. And I’m not even joking.

It was wild. My body was convulsing in all sorts of ways, my legs fully flexed, and it felt as though various parts of me were being held onto and pulled on, then suddenly released at different times… like someone grabbing on somewhere, being wrenched off, and then grabbing the next possible place, again and again. But then it got weaker and weaker, and then a final release happened and it all was calm, the convulsions stopped, the weird breathing where I kept exhaling without inhaling and the intense crying all just stopped… and I was calm and at ease and very tired.

I rested there in the chair for maybe ten minutes or so, then got up when I felt the urge to do so. I blew my nose and marveled at my reflection in the mirror – I didn’t look the same, though I couldn’t have explained what specifically looked different. I felt different. I felt emptier, somehow. My body felt genuinely like it was pounds lighter, like how it had felt before I was pregnant. Looking at myself, I kind of laughed and said, “Hi.” I was myself again, fully. I could feel that. And I could feel a space, like an absence, like how the bed next to me is warm still when someone next to me gets out. But also kind of like how my belly and bowels feel after a full bowel movement. (Hmm… Gross. Anyway…) A good kind of emptiness, of voiding.

Ever since, I have noticed how light I still feel and how easy my brain runs. I have thoughts and I have worries and concerns, but they’re all just normal again, like they used to be. I don’t go down a spiral under a barrage of increasingly terrifying concerns and fears or ‘what if’ scenarios. I just have the single thought or concern, and then I move on naturally, usually without even trying. I have normal levels of concern now… again. And I haven’t felt panicked at all, despite the fact that I used to experience a sense of panic several times a day. I’ve just been kind of calm. Sure, things have bothered me, pissed me off, even. But I make my complaint and then am pretty much okay about the situation. I have my dislike or upset and then move on with things, do what I need to do. The thoughts end there on the subject.

Life is very different now from a day and a half ago.

It feels like normal again. Like the life I enjoy living. (Versus the one I’ve been struggling to survive lately. And wanting to ‘get through’ to the next phase, it’s been so hard lately.)

So, yeah… I guess I experienced an exorcism yesterday. It feels so bizarre even to write or say that, like I must be a crazy person. But I’m not. I’m actually sane right now, and I can see how much I hadn’t been sane these recent months. Wild.

She just kept telling me not to resist anything. Just let it happen. We were talking about how a priest had healed my uterus at Church, and how I had told him that I believed God Could heal me right now, but that I felt like I wasn’t worthy of it. And she said, “You see? Half belief… half healing.”

And then I broke down crying and it all started.

She isn’t even Christian.

She just said that I don’t have to go looking – ‘God is in you and you can heal right now. So, let’s just do it, let’s handle it right now, okay?’

I could feel the being being ripped out of me, and I could feel it fighting not to go. And I trusted her words and didn’t resist anything and just let it happen.

It was so, so weird.

And how I kept exhaling, almost like a cat hissing, it was so strong and intense. I couldn’t relax my toes or thighs or calves or abdomen the entire time, and my legs eventually started stamping the ground, having me writhe back and forth in the chair like I was being yanked around… always exhaling, rarely inhaling, like a three-to-one ratio that didn’t make sense scientifically. (I even had a thought of how many pounds I must be releasing with all this CO2…)

The weirdest part was how I ended up arched way backward, my mouth wide open… muscles fully flexed, fingers and wrists curled like a raptor… I kept having the thought, ‘I must look possessed right now.’

The irony, of course, is that I must have actually been so. haha

So, it was something else. Literally.(!!!)

Thank you, God. Please, keep us safe and well and together and keep our home safe and well and together. Thank you for this life and for your healing love. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Something truly scary happened this morning.

I pray that God heal us all from this morning’s events, wholly, fully, truly with His hand and His love. In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

It’s been interesting to see how different people relate to us and to our baby every since I had her. Some people want us to come over, and then spend the whole time holding her and playing with her as much as so will allow them. Others, ask often for us to make a trek to visit them, and then spend not even ten minutes holding or playing with the baby combined. It’s quite weird.

I understand wanting to see the baby. But I would think people have a sense of fairness. You know, if you live far and you just want to say hi briefly, it doesn’t make sense to have us drive a long way for you just to say hi. You come to us. Or, at least, find a way to meet in the middle or something. I don’t know. Maybe those folks have no sense of the effort it requires on our end, and they think we’re just hanging about and looking for something to do all the time, and so a long drive is no big deal for us. They probably have no clue how much it messes with our sleep quality, let alone the hassle it truly is to go drive a ways and then spend time elsewhere like that. Perhaps they aren’t being malicious or mean – they’re just oblivious.

It’s still annoying, though. I get annoyed how my mom always wants me to come meet her partway somewhere, so she can see the baby. But she usually spends most of our time together physically helping me, holding the baby and burping her and changing her diaper and walking her around and all. So, it’s just the effort of getting there and getting home, really, and then I get a bit of a rest and a lot of love while visiting. (I also say no sometimes and don’t go. And she accepts that. But she also comes to us sometimes, too.) So, it’s not so bad. It’s usually quite nice in the end.

Anyway… tonight was a weird one for me. My baby is a little too active for me to be able to hold her while eating. And the dog was not reliable enough for me to set her on the ground safely. So, I just hung out and chatted and held the baby. But no one seemed to notice that I hadn’t gotten a plate of food. It was a friend I don’t know who asked if I’d eaten and offered to hold the baby for me. Like I said, it was just a bit weird. I was okay. But it was weird. And I’m very tired from it.

Also, I had a bit of a struggle on the whole financial status front tonight. No one was being nasty or anything. But everyone was just sharing about all their summer travels. Obviously, we haven’t had any ‘travels’ for the past few years. We had a weekend trip to Galveston once, and canceled anything else we planned for work/money reasons. We never got to use the companion pass we’d worked hard to make happen. (I actually feel really guilty about that one… really guilty…)

And I know we’re doing the right things now. We both did the whole ‘what you’re supposed to do’ kind of job route for a while. And we both ended up rather miserable with it, neither of us wanting to stay in our career. It has just been tough timing for us both to be making almost no money and for it to be for so long. It wasn’t what we’d hoped or planned to have happen, but it’s what’s happened. So, we’re rolling with it. I trust fully that things will go beautifully for us financially. We just have to keep at it right now. I pray a lot for clear guidance, and it seems like we keep getting that. So, one day, we’ll be able to join in the talks of our recent travels. Just not right now. And it’s weird how that simple fact – “Just not right now” – makes it feel a lot like we’re failing at life; like all the rest isn’t true. So, I’m feeling that sense of failure strongly right now. But I also know that we’ll be okay, and that it’s okay for me to be sad right now about that.

Post-a-day 2025

I have had a headache most of the day today. It has made me want to curl up and cry and sleep. Perhaps it is for lack of those things that my head hurts. Maybe it’s water. Maybe both.

Whatever the case, I shall drink some more water now and go to sleep.

God, heal us, please, and make us well. Grant us beneficial sleep tonight and each night. Help us to be well and safe and whole and together. Keep us safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Somehow, I remembered to register for the Home Depot kids event today. I was supposed to do it first thing at midnight. I was even awake then. It has been on my calendar for yesterday to remind me to do it at midnight last night. But I totally forgot. Then, today, I somehow remembered and I got registered. Turns out, they don’t fill up in an instant like I had anticipated. So, that’s a positive, I suppose. I registered at two different stores early this afternoon. (The first one turned out not to be the right one – it was automatically assigned when I opened the website, and we have at least three stores that are closer than that one, if not more. So, I registered at one I had actually wanted to use.) Now, I just have to remember to go get the actual kit in over a month when the time comes. Fingers crossed, because it’s a cool one! A crop duster!

Anyway, I ended up sucked into the phone again today, doing various seemingly important things. Yes, they mattered. But I hate spending time using my phone when I’m hands-on with my child. And my child has been very needy the past week-ish, and there’s a lot of hands-on time right now. So, it was doubly frustrating to have to deal with any extra stuff on the phone today because of that (both the hassle of it and the decrease in attention it gives my child when we’re together).

God, help me to choose less time spent on my phone each day. I have felt the guidance at nighttime – thank you. Please, continue it in the daytime, too. Please, keep our family safe and well and whole and together, especially my husband and our baby. Guide us kindly and clearly forward. Show us exactly what to do these next 24 and 72 hours for our financial future. Help us to solidify the next step in the process for us to reach financial stability and reliability, and a beautiful and fulfilling career for us both. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Sometimes, people’s… behavior, we’ll say, just pisses me off. I suppose it is all just part of the trials and tribulations involved in growing into the people God calls us to be. We can be grateful for the trials, for our growth through them allows us to be the people we want to be and to lead the lives we want to lead.

It can still be extremely difficult in the moment of the bad behavior, nonetheless.

God, help us clearly and kindly please. Guide us lovingly forward through these trials, and encourage us effectively, please. Keep us safe and well and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

You know, I never anticipated that I would be messaging people to make connections so that I could buy an airplane. What’s more, I don’t even really have money like that – it’s all loans and pulling retirement savings. But it is all so that, in the future, we can afford to buy our own airplane if we wish. Investments can be quite weird at times. Haha

God, please, continue to guide us clearly and kindly. Help us to lead the lives we long to lead. Be with us always. Please, keep us safe and well and together and with you. Thank you for everything. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I asked for clear guidance for our career and financial path, and for this week especially. I had anticipated that to mean for my husband’s career path only. However, God has made it abundantly clear on how I need to pursue properly my own path.

I let my aunt know tonight that tomorrow is my last day helping to care for my grandmother. I still will be sure to see her and will be sure she gets to see my daughter, of course. But I will not be working to help care for her anymore. I love her, and I need to be responsible for my actual job, which is being a mother, a homemaker, and a wife. My husband and I chose this career together for me to do, and everything within me felt right in choosing so. That I did this extra work to help us out financially did make sense for a short while. But that short while has ended, and God made it clear the past few days especially that it is time to return fully to my “real job”, as it were.

And I have a whole load of stuff that has gotten pushed aside these past few weeks I’ve helped care for my grandmother. So, it won’t be a cakewalk to dive back into it all full-time. But, after I’ve recovered the bit more that I need after tomorrow, I’m actually quite looking forward to all that I will be getting to do each day. I’m excited about the satisfaction that will come with the hard work’s completion, as well as the relief and joy of having a home we enjoy being inside, of having a home that functions and is beautiful. It will take a while for that all to land in place, but I’m excited to get started on it all again. And, I’m excited to start building a routine and an educational adventure of a schedule with my daughter. I will be able to turn my focus to her for more than just a bit more often than the times she cries – such a beautiful change from the present situation, which has left us both crying far too often.

Thank you for my husband. Thank you for our home. Thank you for our new family (aka our daughter). And thank you for this clear guidance. Please, continue to give it. Please, keep us safe, make us well and whole, and keep us together and in your hands. In your name, Lord Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Or don’t. I’ve got a hang nail and it is hurting a lot. I haven’t had one like this in a long time. I had to break back out the arnica gel for it, which I have used, maybe, once in the past year. I used to have to use it all the time for hang nails that hurt. Then, they sort of just stopped happening..: not sure why, really. Food for thought now, though(!). Hmm…

Post-a-day 2025

P.S. My baby is officially six months old, as of 28 minutes ago. Hallelujah!

Post-a-day 2025