hannah ananas

Sometimes, we really look forward to something, and then it turns out to be a total disappointment.

And it really sucks.

I suppose the lesson to learn is that things don’t always go the way we hope and wish, but that doesn’t mean to give up. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and all your mind.

It still sometimes hurts when the disappointments arrive, perhaps more so knowing that someone else is aware of the hurt it will cause and is causing, yet does not intervene or reach out clearly or directly to soothe.

God, help us to be well and loving and together, please. Thank you for our home. Keep our family safe and well and together. Guide us always to be our best selves, the people you made us to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

It’s always intriguing how I will have something specific in my mind – like how I’d really like to find this swimsuit in a size Large on the clearance rack – and then that exact thing will happen – yes, both the ones I was considering happened to be there when I checked, though there were only about ten items total on the rack! That happened on Wednesday.

Tonight, another such event happened. I’d had a feeling earlier this week, and several times, that our old neighbors would invite us to spend time with them this evening, and that it would be last-minute. I even agreed to plans with the stipulation that they would finish in time for meeting up with these old neighbors. No, they do not usually invite us over on Friday nights. It has happened twice ever, and not very recently. But I just had this feeling.

The other plans ended up failing out, so I was home alone with the baby, wondering how to proceed for the rest of the evening and night when I got a text from… the old neighbors. They were inviting us over to hang out. They apologized for the last-minute notice and for not thinking to invite us to dinner with them and another couple with a baby (current neighbors), but said they wanted to hang out with us if we were up for it, since they hadn’t seen us in a while.

I responded, “Yes, please”.

And my baby and I had a great time with them tonight. We stayed way later than I expected, but it turned out okay. None of us has to be up early tomorrow, aside from just managing our children, so it should be okay. (My husband was at his first day [night?] of work in a new job!)

So, yeah… those were fun plans that hasn’t been made yet happened all the same. Very cool situation.

Thank you, God, for your love and your joy. Keep us safe and well and together, please. Help us to be our best selves and to pursue and follow you and your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I just don’t want to do it all… and then I feel terrible for not properly wanting some part of what is clearly a gift from God… and it sucks even more than it already did. And then I clarify that I want to be in this life and to do it all – I just would like to have a rest from the intensity and the struggle of it all for a while, so I can regroup and dive back in with air in my lungs and prepared courage and confidence.

Post-a-day 2025

I can’t handle open doors when I sleep. There’s just something about it that gets to me. I don’t recall ever thinking there were monsters in the closet or anything like that… Under the bed? Totally. But behind some door? No. There has just always been something about the energy of a door’s being left open that has always made it hard for me to sleep. A gentle crack can work. But not a true open door.

And so, I will be getting back out of bed, yet again, this time to close my husband’s closet door.

Post-a-day 2025

Lord, heal my body, please, especially my uterus and pelvic floor. Now, please. Grant me the free choice and your emotional guidance on how to progress with children. Heal me, please. In your name, so pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Tonight, I got hit in the head by a waiter carrying a tray of wings. I almost got hit two more times, if my husband hadn’t warned me in time. And the waiters didn’t even notice.

I was embarrassed and upset by it all, though I couldn’t fully articulate why. I think it had to do with an experience of not being worth noticing. Made all the worse by having to speak up about it. Also, when one of them came close to the guy sitting at the table behind us, she apologized to the guy. For getting close to him. Yet not when that same server (and others) had come way closer to me several times already (these were separate from the ones where they almost nailed me). Not to me for the same thing and worse.

I mentioned the hit and super-close calls to the bartender after a bit, and he was prompt in getting management involved, immediately going to watch how servers were passing behind our chairs, and then showing it directly to a manager. Several minutes later, that same manager was apologizing to me and giving us a $30 gift card to use whenever we wished. After he walked away from us, we distinctly noticed how the servers suddenly weren’t clamoring by with the huge trays anymore, and were holding trays down instead of up every time they passed behind us. And it seemed they were using the second entrance/exit to the kitchen more, too, which didn’t require them to walk past our chairs at all.

So, it sorted out, in a way. But I was also left, like I said, really quite stressed and embarrassed about it all. It took me a long while not to feel like I was about to cry. Even now, I still feel a bit of a need to cry about it, really.

So, yeah… that was a very bizarre dinnertime.

Post-a-day 2025

I’m not even sure what to write about tonight. I’ve been dealing with these demons lately, near-constant attacks on my mental state, mostly focused on my baby’s health and well-being, my husband’s health and well-being, and my relationship with my husband and how I fall short. Scenarios run in my mind during the day and in my dreams at night, all somewhat terrifying. Memories arise consistently to nag at my sense of failure or of not being enough. Some roll on repeat from day to day, others from hour to hour, at times. It has not been easy.

And then my physical body is aching me, my pelvic floor not being where and how it needs to be. That just compounds it all, in a way, adding a physical misery to the mental battle that seems to be waging within me.

God, help me to heal, please, and free me of these demons. In Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I need pelvic floor physical therapy. I am really struggling to figure out how to get it with our current financial means.

God, guide me clearly, please, in healing my pelvic floor. Thank you for my family. Grant me this opportunity to heal, that I may choose freely going forward. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Well, she sleeps the first part of the night in her own room now, so that’s something. I’m usually too wiped, though, to put her back in there after nursing in the middle of the night. And also knowing that I’ll be having to do it again in another few hours. Perhaps, when I get the room sorted the rest of the way, and I’m able to nurse her in the rocking chair that’s in her room, I’ll manage keeping her in there the whole night. But having to come back to our room to nurse in the first place makes it all too much effort when I’m exhausted and ready to get track to sleep asap.

So, yeah…

Post-a-day 2025

I wondered at the word “carabiner” tonight. It isn’t spelled like English would pronounce it, which led me quickly to believe it came from another language’s pronunciation of that or a similar spelling. I looked it up. Sure enough, it comes from German.

The word comes from the German Karabiner, short for Karabinerhaken, meaning “carbine hook,”^[3] as the device was used by carabiniers to attach their carbines to their belts.

Pretty cool, huh? I like both that the word is German and that it comes from a bizarrely awesome historical origin.

Post-a-day 2025