hannah ananas

I realized tonight in how much fear I am still living. Yes, it was traumatizing to go through the investigation, to have reasonable fears of my child being taken from me for false claims. But, just because it is a closed and dismissed case now, that doesn’t mean the trauma effects have been healed and the fears have departed me. In fact, it feels almost like the fears have permeated my consciousness, surrounding me ever more. My rational fears during the day have begun to border on irrational. My dreams have become saturated with fear regarding my child’s safety and well-being. I have an underlying state of being scared just about all the time. And it is getting exhausting.

I think I didn’t really notice it at first. I knew about some of the stuff. But the rest kind of crept in slowly, sneakily… as it is said demons do. Until tonight, when I was sharing what had happened with a friend, I don’t know that I had actually analyzed my state of well-being. I knew I had this influx of fears. But I hadn’t realized quite how intense or ever-present it had become. I hadn’t realized that I was constantly stressed with fear, with no real reprieve, day or night. And now it makes me sad to hear this, how miserable I have been underneath it all.

No wonder I’ve been itching for something I haven’t been able to satisfy. That I’ve felt lonely and somewhat sad most of the time. I’m at war here. And I haven’t been winning lately.

Let us turn the tides on this, Lord. Guide me clearly to free me of these demons. In your name, Jesus Christ, heal me of this negativity and these attacks. Grant me your peace and ease. Make me and my husband and my daughter well, please, and keep us all three safe and together. Grant us joy together. Thank you for our home. Please, keep it safe, too. Thank you for this opportunity to trust you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Feeling pretty decent given the circumstances. However, I apparently skinned my left knee doing the push-ups yesterday, and it had been quite the wrench in the middle of just about every movement I’ve made today. Haha.

Anyway, my muscles are very sore, but I made an effort to keep on the go today, moving a decent amount, and I think that has helped a bunch. Tomorrow’s movements will be very important, too. We shall see how well I do.

Anyway, maid comes tomorrow at nine AM. I’m not even normally up by then, let alone now, when I’ve been fighting this cold for almost two weeks, desperately needing sleep. But I realized it tonight around nine PM. Since I’ve been sick, there’s a lot of tidying that has been left undone the past two weeks-ish. So, there was a crap-ton I had to do tonight before I could go to bed. Plus, I had had to wash the bedsheets tonight, and that took its own forever (and still isn’t done, actually). So, I’m exhausted and still sick and needing to sleep, but must wake early in the morning to tidy some more and be alive and out of bed when the maid comes. Though, why not have her start on another part of the house and le time sleep in this time? My husband wouldn’t like that, to be sure. Anyway, I’ve accepted an IKEA pick-up between nine and ten at the store (because they didn’t let me have the free shipping it said that I get, once I got to the payment section, so I have to go pick it up instead [To be clear, it’s not that I need the shipping. It’s that I have a newborn and I am sick and the shipping would make a huge positive impact on us right now.]).

Anyway, I’m gonna see about passing out now on this half-made bed for a while until the rest of the sheets finish drying.

Post-a-day 2025

We did Murph today, my husband and I. He wasn’t planning to do it. I encouraged him to start when I was about halfway through, then we maybe could finish together. And he ended up doing just that.

This was only my second workout since last May, so I was not expecting an easy or short time of it. And, naturally, that was what I got: a long, hard time of it. What has taken me between 45 and 56 minutes in the past took me, with great modification on the push-ups and an intense struggle I’ve never before had for the air squats, and hour and 37 minutes today. That’s over 70% more time. I didn’t even wear a weight vest for the runs this year. I did push a stroller, which was a hassle and which took genuine physical effort that I really could feel on the second mile. But that isn’t the same as wearing a weight vest. It was hard mentally to accept that I was doing a much easier version of the workout compared to usual, and yet it was harder than ever… and that that all was perfectly okay and good and right. I shouldn’t be doing the usual right now. I haven’t been able to train like usual. I am also still in recovery from a major physical event (Childbirth is absolutely no joke when it comes to recovery, by the way. Nobody seems to talk about the recovery, but it is a lot.).

All-in-all, however, I am incredibly proud of myself. I wasn’t even sure beforehand if I would be able to do the whole thing, even modified. I wasn’t sure I even could do the running parts. The last time I ran was Thanksgiving Day, and that was the only time in the past year. And it was the slowest 5k I’ve ever run, and by a lot.

So, today was impressive for me and to me. We shall see how recovery goes over the next few days. I already took a bit of perfect aminos to help. I forgot the epsom salt when I showered. I guess I need to make sure I’m very active the next two to three days. I’m already starting to hurt. Yikes.

Anyway, major accomplishment for me today. My baby went on both runs with me and both runs with my husband, and she stayed in the stroller the entire time, which was roughly just over two hours all together. She napped off and on, stared at things, watched us, fussed a bit, and was mostly quite chill. It was her first time in the jogging stroller, and she did a great job with it. (My husband had to pick up a spare tube for me today, so I could even use the stroller in the first place.) I think she likes being able to be upright and seeing everything around her.

Actually, that just occurred to me that she had never ridden like that in anything. She’s only just being able to hold herself upright when seated. And she isn’t quite there yet. She’s only starting to do it -ish. So, that’s actually really cool for her, too! Proud of my baby. She’s 17 weeks as of an hour and a half ago! Yippee!

Anyway, thank you to all who help to keep our country blessed and free. God, protect their souls, please. Please, keep this country safe. Make us well and keep us safe and together, please. Guide us clearly and kindly forward in your will, please. Help my husband and me to be always loving to and with one another. Help us to remember to honor one another always. Thank you for our home and for exercise. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Happy Memorial Day!! We remember!!

Post-a-day 2025

Sometimes, it all starts to feel kind of unworkable and totally overwhelming. And then I get a headache on top of it all.

God, heal me, please. Heal us. Keep us safe and together and joyful and with you, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Perhaps it is because I am currently dealing with a desire not to have so much physical stuff in my life, particularly in my home. But I had some trouble today with all of the physical stuff involved in the baby shower we threw. I think it easily could have been paired down by half and still been great. In terms of the effort it took, especially on my mom’s part and how draining it was for her to do, I think things would have been loads better if we had cut it all down by about half.

But it also has left me with a sense of concern around my mom. She always goes kind of over-the-too for events and such. But it felt like she purchased too much stuff this time for the décor. It overwhelmed her and prevented her from getting things done even close to on time, because there were so many tiny details everywhere that only she knew how to set up or arrange. And, more than once, a comment was made to me about how much stuff there was.

What’s more, a lot of it was not throw-away stuff. So, while potentially less wasteful for the planet, that means that all of that stuff now needs to find a home at my mom’s house. And I truly am started to feel scared for her. I’m not sure where the scared is originating. I suppose it is best to look at that first, before determining what, if anything, to do about all of it. I think it scares me because I can see how much it is all weighing on her now. I think it has always weighed on her. It just keeps increasing, and she keeps getting more and more tired from it all, as well as from getting older period. There is definitely a sense of its draining the life and energy and joy out of her. And then, indirectly, from those around her.

Thank you, God, for these considerations. Thank you for today. Thank you for my mother and for her passion and her good will. Please, help her to heal, and quickly. Grant her the freedom from this illness, that she live lightly and freely and passionately and fully self-expressed in the space she is able finally to create and to have around her all the time in life. Thank you for my family and for my home. Help us always to want, to pursue, and to fulfill your will with grace and joy. Show us clearly our next steps always. Keep us safe and well and together, please, especially my husband and baby and me. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I don’t understand flaky people. Are they the center of their own worlds, such that they have no idea how their lack of maintaining commitments and agreements affects others? I just don’t understand it. And it isn’t exactly kosher to ask them about it now, is it?(???????) 😛

Dear God, please, help tomorrow to go really well for all of us. Make the house cool enough for us to enjoy ourselves easily. Make the pool warm enough for us to swim afterward. And help our efforts to prove successful in creating an awesome shower and time for all involved. Guide us always clearly, please. And please, keep us safe, make us well, and keep us together. Also, heal my body fully now, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Why do pains have to accompany this? Why??? I just made a human and am busy taking constant care of it. It was enough for the cycles to start up again so soon. But with pain now?? This is very wtf…

God, ease these pains, please. Improve my menstrual cycles from where they were pre-pregnancy, please. Make me whole and well. Please, keep us safe and well and whole and together as a family. Guide us clearly and kindly always, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

I am sick and I am not pregnant. And I am menstruating again. All three made me very, very sad in the middle of the night last night, as I discovered the three facts, one right after the other. I trust God and His timing. That does not erase the sadness of the loss of potential life being added to our family. Especially considering all signs pointed to another little someone joining us soon. However, it does give a silver lining of that something better is in store for us this way, as this way is the way God has chosen for us.

Thank you, God, for these opportunities. Help us to see clearly how best to use them to your will and to being our best selves. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

And I thought clothing sizing was already stupid. Now, I’m dealing with clothing sizing for baby clothes.

Here’s what I found for how most of the world does it compared to how the US does it:

You see the centimeters column, yes? They size their outfits using the number of centimeters. They are sizes like 50, 60, 70. While it is convenient that the US says the rough estimate of how old a child will be when it fits in the clothing, making it a bit more logical and easy to process for new or soon-to-be parents and grandparents and random friends buying for the parents, the actual measurements of that clothing across brands varies incredibly. So, it ends up only kind of being helpful. Perhaps, if the US used the measurements of the centimeter system, sizing could be consistent across brands, though, which would be awesome.

Then again, people are idiots, as this shows in the first place.

With that, I bid you goodnight.

Post-a-day 2025

There’s nothing quite like getting nap-trapped into a good movie late at night with one’s husband. I wanted a feel-good film for a bit before bed tonight. I also really wanted to snuggle with my husband. My husband understood that I was feeling lonely and needy physically, so he snuggled up to me voluntarily as I started the movie. I don’t think he intended to stay for the whole film. However, I had intentionally picked a movie I knew he liked so that he would stay with me at least a bit longer – he tends to run away almost immediately on movies he doesn’t like. So, he stayed because he was engrossed in the movie, as we both easily could have predicted based on the movie selection. He then stayed the entire film because he was so tired, he fell asleep. I hadn’t intended to watch the whole film. But he was so sweet curled up with me, and it felt just so wonderfully cozy and loving and fulfilling being with him on the sofa (halfway trapped underneath his head and with my legs squashed between his). So, I had kind of trapped him initially, and then he kind of trapped me. The result was that we both stayed cuddled on the sofa for the whole film together, and it was lovely and needed by us both.

Thank you, God. Please, guide us always clearly and kindly. Make us well and keep us safe and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025