These aches are just a lot at this point. They aren’t simply on my whole body. They also are specifically tied to my womb doing these Braxton Hicks contractions all the time. I would have thought the muscle would be well built in strength by now, given that it’s been doing this for weeks, and at decreasing intervals all the while – every five to ten minutes for the past week just feels like more than enough prep, all the 30-60-minute intervals for the two weeks before that not included.
Nonetheless, my body is not happy these past several days, and neither has my brain been. I feel somewhat sick all the time, I’m sleeping so much. I’m mostly in bed – excluding bathroom breaks – for 12 hours each night now. And then I usually nap at least once during the day for an hour or few.
Anyway, letting go of my own will and giving it up to God.
Also, I got some news today that was both exciting and saddening and, slightly, depressing. I’m finding it hard not to be annoyed with most things right now, and this one just added to that bizarre headspace for me.
So, lots of ugh right now. Not to mention my own fears and concerns creeping up on me the longer this baby stays inside of me.
God, help me to trust you. Make this baby while and we’ll and safe, please, and help it to join us easily and naturally. Grant me a beautiful and comfortable and love-filled labor and birth experience. Keep my husband and me and the baby safe, please. Heal Jean, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Today was a very rough day. I cried a lot and for many different reasons.
The main bits, I suppose are mentioned in what I wrote this afternoon, shown here:
I’m now reknitting this beanie, because the sizing and shape didn’t work out like I want. Which I don’t actually much mind – it’ll be quicker this way than the first time, anyway. But I’m in a space of frustration, because it’s probably going to be for a baby boy, which I get to feel guilty for having not wanted first, and also will have to deal with everyone being righteous about that they knew it was a boy and I just have known and didn’t tell anyone, including Patrick’s mom who claimed that I’m lying to him about it; and the baby is going to be born right at our anniversary, which is also another thing that is exactly what I had hoped and prayed not to have happen
So, I’m getting to feel like a horrible human being about this absolute miracle
I picked the green because it’s a beautiful color and will look good on our skin tone and is seasonally appropriate
And green is calming and feels good
Also, the gym closed early today and Patrick hadn’t told me that. So, I was preparing to go with him once he got home a while ago from dropping off something up north. But then he told me that we can’t go. So, also crushed about that, because it’s too cold for me to walk outside now, since I don’t have enough clothes that fit me and are layerable
I just had seen this and loved it But they don’t sell the hat – just the onesie
Also, the bomb my husband landed of that we can’t use the pediatrician I had wanted to use, because we can’t afford it. That one kind of started off the first round of tears and intense frustration. I have been working these past months to have all of these things handled. It has felt like my husband has avoided most things to do with being prepared for the baby. He has focused solely on his lessons. Those are important, yes. But they also aren’t the only thing that matters. And, at this point, they aren’t as helpful as much of the practical, daily life necessities that have yet to be sorted around having the baby. So, I’ve been really struggling that I did all the stuff by 36 weeks gestation, as we were told to have done by the midwife. We are now at 38 weeks, and so much of his stuff still isn’t handled. Very different approaches to the same things, and it has become extremely frustrating for me. The high emotions of the pregnancy and being so tired of being so sick have only added to the strain of it all.
One positive is that my mom said she would handle the first month’s costs for the pediatrician. So, we can have some breathing room on figuring out what we will do longer term. By then, we might have financial means to stay with the pediatrician. If not, hopefully, we will have found somewhere else we like that we actually can afford. But we don’t have to worry about any of that right now, and that helps me breathe much easier on that front, to be sure. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, God.
Anyway, really tough day today. But we ended with a sort of at-home date night. My husband made us fun drinks, we watched (yet again) a movie that we both really love, and we even had some physically close time (it really is dumb that we have nowhere to cuddle easily in our living room, and making it work in bizarre ways really is exhausting, especially with my being so huge and heavy right now… but we made it work at least once more). It helped me a lot, emotionally and psychologically.
A friend asked me today what I find myself needing more of right now. I wasn’t sure at first. She asked about what I had found that has been able to ground and calm me. I shared that being held by my husband, especially having skin-to-skin contact in any way, has been the most helpful thing lately. I just want to be held and pet like a dog, basically. So, the little bit tonight went a long way. Hopefully, we get to cuddle overnight, too, as that helps the most right now and would be a very positive end to such a day. The day did improve, yes. My husband was even really great when I was just suddenly outright balling while knitting, and I shared with him my experience of guilt around not wanting things the way they were turning out, that is that I wanted what was not God’s will, and I was feeling horrible for it. Lots of shoulds there. I eventually told the devil to leave, and said the name of Jesus three times to calm myself, and it actually helped me feel a weight release off of me. Quite bizarre, to be sure. But, also, my husband reassured me that it’s okay to want something different from God’s will for us. After all, there have been many times I have wanted things to go one way or another, and they didn’t. It was ultimately for the better, but I was sad at the time for not having the desire results. I never, however, felt guilty about having wanted what I had wanted. This situation need not be any different. It’s okay for me to want what I want. I can still learn to love and embrace what does happen, when it happens, whatever it happens to be.
Anyway… so, yeah. Haha. Tough day that settled somewhat. But tough, nonetheless.
Thank you, God, for your love and your guidance. Help me to see the beauty of your plan and your will, please. Help to heal J, and to live a long life with us, if that be your will. Grant all involved ease and pure love and honesty and connection with one another. Help us all to love well. Thank you for this baby and this marriage. Please, make me and the baby and my husband well, and keep us safe. Thank you for our home. Please, keep it safe, too. Guide us through, please. Help us always to dispel the devil and his workers. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Well, I ate boatloads tonight, some salad and lots of protein, so we should have some good energy for the next while. We also have leftovers in the fridge for further nourishment in the morning and, really, all day tomorrow – I have enough from the past couple nights.
That being said, may God’s will be done.
God, help me to embrace your will. Grant me the promises you have offered to me, please. Help me to be my best self, while supporting others in being their best selves. Make me and the baby and my husband well, please, and keep us safe and whole and holy. Thank you for our home. Please, keep it always safe, too. Bless us with an easy and beautiful natural delivery and birth. And help us name the child well when we see it. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Please, baby, come join us this Saturday. My mind and my body are really struggling right now – they are longing for you to join us, and to be released from the strains involved in waiting for that time. I know you have to come when it is time. I simply am hoping that the time has come.
God, release me of these fears, please, and help me to embrace this process and to allow my body to do your work with ease and fluidity. Thank you for this opportunity. Keep us three safe, please, and make us well. Grant us an easy and beautiful and calm and joyful delivery. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Two weird experiences here. Both are… intimate, we’ll say. Definitely explicit in their revelations, so be forewarned now(!).
The first is one that gets me on a regular basis, especially in recent days and weeks. It is a bizarre experience in the first place to have something within one’s belly move independently of one’s body. Period. Now, eventually, I did adjust to the baby’s movements and pushes outward and all that jazz. However, one time where I still have not fully adjusted – it still kind of shocks me and feels both comical and quite weird – and can’t fully wrap my head around it is when I’m sitting on the toilet in the morning, going through the simple yet genuine morning bowel movement, and my belly sidedly starts jolting around and stretching.
I mean… Excuse me, baby, but I’m not just lounging on a chair here. I am actively employing my bowels. And I would appreciate it very much if you wouldn’t be so active right now, both because it’s weird and because it’s shaking things up that I’m attempting to relax and release right now…(!!!)
So, yeah, that one’s weird.
The second one is a whole ‘nother lever of bizarre. It started several days ago. The baby is head down, okay? That means its hands can easily push downward on everything near the bottom of my womb. So, essentially, the baby’s head is pushing downward on my pelvis and vagina. At times, however, the head isn’t engaged with the pelvis, and there’s some wiggle room. What the baby has done during several of these times has been a sort of left-right-left-right tap… with its hands… downward onto the inside of my vagina. Quite literally, it is as though the baby is knocking on the door to get out. Tap-tap-tap-tap! it goes on the inside of my vagina… no big deal. Like it’s checking if this is the fifth doorway through which it will be going to get to its next location.
I asked the midwife about this one specifically, and she said it is both normal and a totally weird experience to have. That made me feel better. Because I certainly felt strange saying that it felt like the baby was knocking on my vagina like a front door to someone’s home. But they apparently just do that sometimes. I guess they’re stretching out their arms and hands over the head, and, well, that’s just where they reach(!).
So, yeah… also very odd. Haha
That’s what I have for tonight! So many emotions and thoughts about different things, but I’m going to leave it there for now. Goodnight.
God, be with us, please. Grant us this easy and love-filled home-birth we desire and for which we have been preparing. Make this baby and me and my husband well and whole, please, and keep us safe. Help me husband to find the perfect work for us all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
(Remembered as I started it tonight! And almost forgot by the time I finished typing it!)
Well, the chiropractor said my body is doing all the things, and I can expect the baby as soon as today. So, all this weird shifting and odd-feeling stuff is directly part of the process of heading into labor and birth. Good to know.
Actually, it makes me feel not-so-crazy. Because I have been feeling kind of crazy the past couple days. And no one quite seems to be able to relate or understand what’s going on for me, be it physically or mentally or emotionally. Having her declare today that everything has been directly tied to this next step sent so much relief through me.
I don’t know quite how soon it will happen, but it truly is happening.
As a note, my husband has actually been doing a great job of getting how hard it has been for me this past week, and of telling me that I’m doing a good job. He’s even rubbed my back while saying it some of the times. He’s doing a better and better job of supporting me in ways that make a true difference for me, and it has made a difference. Pregnancy is a very weird even where the mother doesn’t really do anything, not in the active sense of the word. But much is happening within her and with her. So, when I feel stupid for being overwhelmed and like everything is just so hard right now, and I straight up mean that existing is hard, it makes sense. It does sound stupid. But it also is 100% the truth that existing is hard right now. That’s the weirdness of pregnancy. All we have to do it stay alive, and that suddenly becomes one of the hardest things we’ve ever done.
At least, for some women, that’s how pregnancy goes. It’s a full spectrum, and I can’t even relate to the ladies at the opposite end who feel great and amazing during pregnancy. Yes, I feel absolutely blessed at the miracle happening within me. But I have not enjoyed most of the experiences tied to raising this miracle within me. Grateful? Absolutely. Enjoyment? Rare.
So, anyway, it’s coming. 🙂
Oh, and my husband even said tonight that my belly is clearly lower down than it has been. I noticed somewhat yesterday and definitively today that my leggings didn’t fit around my hips anymore, as compared to two days ago. They sat comfortably just below my belly before. But they barely have space to sit there while I’m standing, and they nearly cut off circulation entirely if I sit down with them on, just in that span right below my belly. No wonder my underwear started rolling down in the front so badly yesterday and the day before. Haha I hadn’t even thought of that until just now…
Indeed, it is coming. 😀 ❤
Thank you, God. Please, help my husband pass his tests and do a great job with his learning and training and flying. Guide him clearly forward on this path toward taking care of our family financially while doing something he truly loves. Guide us both clearly and gently as parents to our children and as partners to one another. Make us and the baby well, and keep us all safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
(Caught it before the number this time, but still at the last second!)
It feels like it’s getting close, like it’s about to happen. There’s something final that everything is waiting to have happen, though I’m not fully sure what it is. I have a couple guesses, and I will check them out tomorrow.
Whatever the case, God, be with us, please, and grant us an easy and safe and comfortable and love-filled labor and delivery and birth. Make me and my husband and the baby well, and keep us safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
(Barely caught it, right as I was about to hit the four!)
Yes, if your head is oily and has a scent of sweat, your head is dirty. Period. And rinsing it with water, which doesn’t take away the scent, does not remove the dirty.
The sensation of tiny hands tapping on the inside of one’s vagina is, possibly, the most bizarre feeling in nature. It. Is. Weird.
Haha
Tap-tap-tap-tap they go in quick succession. Like knocking on the door. Like it’s totally normal and isn’t the most bizarre of feelings for the mother. Do all babies do this? Is it their way of checking that we’re ready for them to come out?
My man is out there hunting food for our hearth this weekend. Well-timed for the upcoming arrival of our baby. Haha
His cousin’s husband invited him to go for the final weekend of deer season out to a deer lease. So, as I understand it, for very minimal cost to us, my husband is allowed to shoot a couple deer for food, should he cross them. And, indeed, he crossed one this afternoon and successfully shot it.
It certainly is sad, losing the life of a seemingly contented animal that was currently causing no harm to others. However, it is part of the circle of life, for one. Also, I have actually learned much about what happens when deer procreate without a predator. In short, they destroy the entire ecosystem. Any animal without its predator likely would do the same unintentionally. (Perhaps that’s part of man’s struggles these days, overpopulating the world beyond our means of sustaining such life while sustaining the planet and its ecosystems…) So, it is reasonably fair for them to be hunting there this weekend. Also, there are very strict rules on how many of what type of deer they are allowed to shoot each season, as part of the management of the ecosystem by the area manager. So, it’s a bizarre balance, but a balance, nonetheless.
That being said, I found it kind of funny tonight when I realized that my man was literally out hunting for food for us while I finish growing this baby at home. So original balance… kind of beautiful. Kind of silly, too. He isn’t able to earn money to purchase the food right now, so he’s providing in the original way. Which feels even better.
Thank you, God, for this blessing of a weekend for my husband. Thank you for giving him this time of fun and relaxation and men, as well as for allowing him this chance to provide food for us and to experience satisfaction in his work and effort. Please, keep him and Martin safe. Grant blessings on the spirit of the deer they collect – thank you for the sacrifice of them to our benefit. Please, make my husband and the baby and me well, and keep us safe. Grant us a beautiful and safe and easy delivery together in the coming days, please, to a healthy baby (girl, please). Thank you for our this home and this life. Help us to be the best people we can be, and help us to choose to be those people each day and night, and to encourage and support one another in doing so. Help us to be wonderful parents to our children. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2025
(Remembered before I finished writing it this time!)
hannah ananas 