hannah ananas

I’m tired of being alone so much of the time. I borderline hate my daily life at this point. For the most part, I feel miserable and alone, plus physically horrible and utterly incapable. Loads of pressure from others to do whatever it is their way, and like I’m not allowed to have my own opinion about things.

A main part of my sense of loneliness lately has been the baby’s movements. Whenever I go to bed, the baby shifts around and stretches out like crazy. It stretches during the day, too, which is all the same experience for me. At night, though, it is quite overwhelming. And there’s no one to experience it with me. I just get to lie here is semi-misery and semi-awe, all by myself, feeling like I’m crazy for the movements being a big deal. But no one is here even to witness them with me, and so I get to suffer it all alone and try desperately to fall asleep, also alone. On the rare nights that my husband goes to bed when I do, it is a massive comfort for me, both through his physical presence and touch and through his, with his hand on my belly, also feeling how wild and awesome the movements of this baby are. We get to experience them together. No, they don’t make him feel sick and like he might hurl and wants to cry. But he still experiences them with me, and that helps me find humor in them and actually enjoy them, despite the discomfort of them.

The high point of my day lately has been when I chat with my dad over the phone and we commiserate about how miserable we both are, my for my pregnancy and loneliness and his for his recent knee surgery and the horrible recovery it has been so far for him. Neither of us likes having to be stagnant, and we have both very much so had to be recently. It has been really tough on us both.

Separately, we had a schedule change today due to another personal issue for an instructor at my husband’s school, so he didn’t get to do his testing today – this is the last part of required testing before he can start working, roughly week 17 or 18 in a course that is supposed to take 4-5 weeks, according to the school… who keeps screwing him over on scheduling again and again… like today. So, instead of spending time together on our first anniversary, he will be up at the airport all day tomorrow, and then in a training in the evening. I imagine that, by the time he gets home, I’ll already be in bed. If I’m taking care of myself like I should, that is.

I had thought he might adjust things ever so slightly to spend some time with me this evening, since he’ll be gone all day and night tomorrow. However, I didn’t specify to him that I would appreciate this, and it seems it didn’t occur to him that it even was an idea. So, that didn’t happen and it sucks. I spent most of the day crocheting by myself today, which is very much not fun or very enjoyable as a full day’s activity. Looks like tomorrow will be more of the same.

Just more of the trial by fire crap we’ve been getting the whole past year already. And, yes, it still sucks.

Oh, and, by the way, we still have rats running around in the attic.

Post-a-day 2025

(Still forgot)

Today was a snow day in Houston. We had a great time playing. But still no baby.

I had hoped to get an adorable photos of the baby resting on top of the snow. But it’s still inside of me, so this was the best we could do.

Also, the chickens were interesting to see in the snow today.

Post-a-day 2024

And so the winter weather is upon us. Temperatures below freezing for three nights in a row, barely popping above freezing during the daytime, with snow expected tomorrow. We’ve already had tiny hail (which might actually be called sleet, but I’m not so sure) off and on tonight. But no snow yet. It’s been snowing outside the city a ways already – my brother sent a video of his ‘yard’ out on property, lovely snow falling everywhere. We shall see if it truly happens in town and if it stays on the ground at all.

Gos, please, keep us safe and well. Make this baby whole and safe and well, please. Keep our home powered and warm and functioning safely with water, please. And let this baby come join us safely and freely, please, and very soon. Please, have the midwife safely here when I birth the baby, too. Help my husband and me learn better how to love one another in ways that make the biggest difference for each other. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

(Still missed it)

Are we almost there now? I realized today that I don’t even have to say “next week,” when people ask when the baby is due. The answer now is, “Saturday.” Less than a week away is the due date.

So much for two weeks early like the rest of my family. Thanks for the false hopes, guys. Well, ladies, I guess is the accurate term there. Haha

Anyway, it’s been rather crushing not having the baby’s arrive when I really wanted it to arrive. As with everything else, I am accepting God’s will and moving forward with His courage and trusting in Him.

It also has been physically miserable the past almost-week. Each day has been worse, too. Tonight, I was even feeling strains in places I hadn’t been feeling them. No clear consistency yet, though. The midwife said all signs are showing that my body is truly feeling up for this all. However, she also said that it needs to kick into gear before Monday night or wait until Wednesday.

“Why?” you ask. Because we have a massive freeze happening Monday-Tuesday, with snow to be expected. Houston isn’t exactly a snow place. I think we’ve had it, including when it didn’t even stick to the ground, a total of four times in my life. Maybe five. And that’s in almost 34 years. So, weather like we are expected to have Monday-Tuesday will not be good driving conditions for this city, and it will not be safe for folks to be out. Which includes our midwife driving all the way across town to our house. So, yeah… the hope is to be done before the bad weather. The back-up plan is to have things happen after the bad weather. And God’s plan will show itself in the coming days..

God, help us to deliver well in the next twelve hours or so, please. Make me and the baby and my husband well and safe, please. Thank you for all of this and all that we will learn and gain from this all. Thank you for my husband. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

(Still getting it wrong, by the way…)

I started this baby blanket in middle school, when my mom taught me to crochet. I needed a project that was more than just a scarf (which I didn’t like because of the pattern/design of crochet stitches) or roses or a square, but wasn’t an entire granny blanket.

But it feels like the minute I finish this blanket, contractions will start and the baby will come out. Which is ironic. Because, if finishing the blanket is all it takes to have a baby, I had two decades to finish this blanket. Actually. Not that I wanted a baby in middle school, of course. But I could have finished this thing at any point in time in my adult life. I’ve always had in my home, wherever I’ve moved, aside from the one year in Japan. And yet I never touched it. Only once, I pulled it out and actually did a bit of stitching on it. I enjoyed that. But then I put the blanket away and left it for several more years. Now, here I am, nine months pregnant, seemingly unable to progress to the stage of labor. And I can just see the irony of finishing the blanket and then going right into labor. It would be a beautiful irony, to be sure, and I know God had a sense of humor.

Ugh.

God, help me to release this baby from my body, please. Grant us safety and easy and full health and holiness. Make us all well and keep us all safe, please. Thank you for this marriage and home and baby. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Maybe, now that the cleaners have come and the mildew in the tub is gone and the clothes are put away, the baby will come.

Please.

God, help us to have an easy and smooth labor and delivery. Make the baby and me and my husband healthy and well and whole, please, and keep us safe and together. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Dawdling really gets to me. If the plan is not to follow a schedule, it is absolutely no big deal, and I even encourage dawdling. However, when a schedule has been determined, it is a solid no for me. And it lands as incredibly disrespectful, for some reason. I can tolerate it when communication is kept, acknowledging at the first notice that timing has shifted. But, when nothing (or close to nothing) is communicated, and the schedule just isn’t met, with no acknowledgement of one’s having messed up the schedule due to fooling around (or whatever it was)… it’s like no one mattered enough to be informed that what they were told and were anticipating isn’t going to happen anymore.

It just sucks.

God, help us to heal, please. Grant us an easy, love-filled, natural birth in the next few days, please. In the next 22 hours would be awesome. Kay. Thanks. Grant us peace, please, and keep us safe and whole and well. Thank you for this home and this pregnancy and this baby and this marriage. Help us always to be our best selves, and help us to do it by our own wills. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

Asking a pregnant woman’s due date is much the same as asking, “So, when did you have fertile sex?” Or, even, “When was your last menstruation?” In terms of the information they provide, at least.

Whichever question one asks, one still will know when to expect the baby to arrive and when the couple made the baby and when the woman’s last menstruation was.

And yet, though questions about the latter two pieces of information are deemed inappropriate, the due date question is completely acceptable societally. But a question about any of them would provide the same information.

Kind of weird to consider, right?

It is to me, anyway. Haha

Please, Lord, let me have this baby now. Keep us safe and make us well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

(Caught it, at least…)

Today was both efficient and totally sucky. I accomplished much for rodeo. I accomplished much for random baby stuff (that didn’t need to be done yet, but the stress of waiting got to me too much this evening). But it was also a very stress-filled day. Lots of emotions at this point. My husband is stressed about school and work and money, I believe – he hasn’t been great at discussing any of it lately, and has been more on the explosive side of stress, unfortunately. Understandable, of course, but not fun to have when about to give birth and filled with emotions oneself. There are several things I had requested to have done well before the baby arrived that are not at all done. I found how very much I am not currently capable of doing these things. And my body was massively uncomfortable all day long.

God, help us to release the strains that bind us. Help us to love ourselves wholly and to love one another freely and wholly. Guide us to your will with ease. Help us to be our best selves willingly. Make the baby and us safe, please, and make us well. Grant us an easy and beautiful and bonding labor and delivery, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

(Nope. Still missed it.)

“The head is REALLY low,” said the midwife with a touch of surprise. She had already said that it was low. However, upon feeling my belly for body parts to confirm direction and all of the baby, she declared the follow-up phrase. She mentioned that the shoulders were way down low, slight astonishment still in her voice. I asked her to put my hands where the shoulders were. She did. I was baffled. My hands were sitting about two inches higher than the entrance to my vagina.

So, where is the head, then?! I wondered. Buried into the bottom of the pelvis, apparently.

Very bizarre consideration there.

But the midwife agreed with me when I said 14 sounds like a fully acceptable number (regarding birth date). She very doubtfully told me as I left that she MIGHT see me at my appointment next Monday, but that she probably would see me before then. Meaning for the birth.

So, here’s to hoping we have a vegetation and smooth and safe delivery on the 14th of January!

Thank you, God, for such a lovely, love-filled day today. And thank you for all the relief it granted me on all these levels. Make us well, keep us safe, and bring my husband home safely to us each night and day, as always. Also, help us to find this baby’s name, please. Thank you for our home and for our midwife and for our friends. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2025

(Oops… actually got it wrong tonight, but fixed it before hitting the publish button.)