hannah ananas

Today is the first day at work with all faculty/staff, not just the new folks.

When I got into the rental car, I choked and almost got sick. Some nasty and fake perfume was soaked in tot he interior. The car had been shut for a whole day, since I hadn’t gone anywhere yesterday, and what had been a slight annoyance was overwhelmingly horrible suddenly. I had to drive with the air blasting and windows down, and it still didn’t actually make the smell go away.

I got lost and confused on the way to school. (It is easy to get to school. After the two blocks to exit my neighborhood, it is four simple turns to arrive at school. Now, I was running late and I was embarrassed at having gotten myself lost on such a simple and easy drive that I had already taken twice in the past four days.) So, it took me a little longer to get there. Because of that, I had to park up top in the garage (plus all the ‘parents with little kids’ spots were full, which was where I was supposed to start parking today, since I’m pregnant. And also because I’m physically struggling).
By the time I finally made it down all the stairs of the four floors and over to the cafeteria, I got overwhelmed just preparing to go in to the breakfast. My dress is big, I have no name tag (no fault of my own), had a hard morning already, and felt halfway miserable physically. I was stressed that I couldn’t be the normal excited and happy self I am for the first day of teacher meetings each year. And then there were Lots of people. I want doing well already emotionally, and handling a lot of new and loud people felt like a very hefty task. I cried before going inside the cafeteria.

NOTE: I woke up not feeling utterly dreadful this morning, and then quickly was shocked to see that I’d been asleep for six hours straight. It scared me deeply, and I was massively relieved when, after making it to the bathroom, I could tell that I was definitely still sick. (I even had a horrible session of puking to follow up the feeling.) The last time I had woken up feeling different, better, after having slept through the night while pregnant, it was because the pregnancy had ended, and that day was a truly sad and miserable one for me. So, though it was nowhere to the same degree of feeling different, it still kind of freaked me out for half a minute, gave me the panics.
Anyway, so I let it be that I was emotional and unable to manage and reign in my hormones, got a hug from someone and communicated where I was and that I know it’s okay – just hard to manage the hormones going wild with the smallest of things
Went to get a coffee. They didn’t have decaf today, though they did the other days. As I was replacing the cup on the stack, a guy behind me said to a lady “Still pregnant?!” He was joking and she likely was one of the 8-9-month pregnant ladies. However, it hit me really hard, especially after the concern when I woke up this morning. It hit home in a very painful way, and I absolutely could not handle it given my current state. I broke down massively and immediately, and I went to cry in the bathroom for a bit until I could calm down.

So, that’s how the day started. And, though I technically slept six hours straight, it was terrible sleep. So, I was physically exhausted by midday. When lunchtime happened, I got to have five-day-old super wilty salad, because the only other option was fruit that had hurt my stomach and pizza, a food that I can hardly mention, after having gotten so sick puking up one of its main ingredients a few months ago. I can barely stand even the smell of it without feeling sick, even throwing up. So, I got almost no nourishment at lunch.

Then we had another few hours straight of a long meeting, siting still in one chair. Oh, and an unanticipated fire alarm sounded. Since it wasn’t a drill, we had to walk all the way around campus on its outskirts in order to reach the fields where we’re supposed to gather for emergencies. Before I made it to the field, I was overheated in this hot and humid and sunny weather, and was very much about to hurl. I ended up with four people around me, fanning me with their booklets while I tried to sip my water that had miraculously melted all the ice right before the drill, and so wasn’t providing me the true relief I needed from it. After the drill, we got ice in my water and we got back inside, both of which helped tremendously. Fortunately, one of the people was a mom who understood the situation immediately, and she fended off any concerns the others (or anyone else) had. She knew that I had meant what I’d said and that I was only hot and super close to throwing up, but desperately did not want to throw up the food I had worked so hard to eat.

After that, we returned to the hours of one long meeting, and our day finally ended around 4:30, which was immensely long both for teachers and for me in my state, its having started at 8 this morning and had gone on with meetings constantly aside from the brief lunch break.

It was just an immensely difficult day for me today. Arriving home exhausted and in the reeking car only turned the evening into a pretty terrible one, too. So, basically, today has sucked beyond all reason, and I’m going to bed at 8pm crying. Shocking, I know…

Post-a-day 2024

Tip for life: Do not ever give people training in any software or program without having the program set up fully for them to start practicing in that lesson. Period.

Otherwise, it causes immense stress, confusion, and utter annoyance at the waste of time. Because it is a waste of time.

That is all on that for now.

God, please, nourish me and the baby with good food and he’s me of the nausea. Help us both to sleep well and to be well, please. And keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

A couple came over today to help us clean out the garage. The goal was to get it cleaned out, organized, and put back together. However, given how hot it was today, it got cleaned out and the gym flooring got put in, and the gym stuff outside got placed in pieces on the gym flooring. Everything else was left in the driveway and yard.

So, much accomplished, and much to do.

God, help us to sort through all of this stuff and to clear out what we do not truly need anymore. Help us to have an awesome and tidy garage and home, please. And very soon. Also, please keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I just discovered that the rosary in German seems to have an extra line in the Hail Marys, and I do not particularly like it. I do, in fact, dislike it so far. It interrupts the prayer for me. And it requires more thinking, because it seems like it changes every decade what line is said. Not a fan so far. I asked a friend for an explanation. We’ll see what I learn from her and how she feels about it. I don’t know if it’s always the case or only in certain situations, but it happened in both versions I just tried playing.

Anyway, interesting discovery tonight…

God, help me to be well as I grow this baby. Help us both to be healthy and well together. Keep my husband safe, please. Thank you for the love at work. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today was good, but long and exhausting. I am celebrating by being a bum on the sofa and watching women’s gymnastics. These ladies are absurdly good at what they do, and it is a blast to watch.

God, keep the athletes all safe, please. Keep my husband safe, too, please. Help us all to follow you and your love. Especially those in charge of things and of people. Heal me of the nausea, and help us to have a great pregnancy. Make our baby well and healthy, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Tomorrow is my first day of work. I don’t know where I’m supposed to park. I don’t know where the place is on campus where we’re supposed to meet. I don’t know almost anything about my job this year in terms of details. I know what subjects I’m teaching and to what grades. I also know one of the books I’m to use. Beyond that, I have no idea. I feel so woefully underprepared.

But I have an outfit to wear tomorrow. Unfortunately, it is not the best coloring for me. But it should look nice enough for photos, which are happening tomorrow at lunchtime.

Also, one gripe at absurdity. We start at 8am. Why on earth is lunch not until noon? Schools have lunch finished by noon. We don’t head to lunch at noon for an hour. Ugh. So, I anticipate tomorrow to be tough for me physically and a bit so emotionally. I don’t know what the food will be, despite having asked. I’ve been having trouble with food as it is, and each day has been its own struggle.

God, help me to do well tomorrow and to find ease in my place of work. Help me to be and to feel welcomed and wanted. Help me to do a good job in my work this year. Keep this baby safe. Keep my husband safe, please. Help me to be well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

The crucifixion – the fruit of this mystery is perseverance.

……

Praying the rosary tonight, it hit me that my current experiences have felt much like my own personal version of Jesus’s path to and through crucifixion. I am currently in great suffering. It has felt many times like I cannot do it. I have prayed to God to release me from the torture, yet have trusted and accepted His will and have longed for a successful completion of these miserable steps, for I believe there is much love and joy and glory on the other side of it all. Especially tonight, it occurred to me how much it does tie into the crucifixion, though. The I that I am and have been will not be the same I on the other side of this all. As Jesus did, I will have to suffer further torment on the cross that I currently carry, and I necessarily will cease to exist, all for God’s will. And, through that death, I will be reborn as the resurrected self, the ultimate version of myself that God has always been calling me to be.

Take it as you will. This just happened to occur to me tonight. And the perseverance part of it felt entirely valid for me. Plus, the carrying of the cross has the fruit of patience. Talk about having patience right now… we have six more months of only God knows what suffering, followed by a guaranteed difficult event, before we reach the glory of God.

God, grant me the patience to accept this timeline and this suffering exactly as they are. Relieve me of this nausea, if it be your will. Make this baby well. Keep me and the baby and my husband safe, please. Hold us in your hands. Help us to be our best selves each day and night. Thank you for this life and this love. Help us to embrace them both fully. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I don’t get people.

They find out that I am pregnant and utterly miserable with nausea. And what do they do thirty seconds later? Start showing me pictures of some baby someone recently had and talking to me all about this other person’s baby, whom I never even will meet and usually whom I have never heard of, by the way. I don’t normally care to see photos of random people’s newborn babies in the first place. Why would I want to see them now, when I am hating the experience of getting to motherhood? So I can feel more frustrated about how much longer I have to suffer before I can my own newborn? Because that’s what happens. Every time.

Ugh…

Also, the maid was kind of a total jerk today, and it sucked. We overpaid for a service because we were in desperate need. The service was also crappily done. I didn’t ever complain to the cleaning team or their boss. I asked a few questions about cleaning products and what all was included. She asked me directly to tell her if there was anything I wanted done differently or better. So, I sent two photos after the next cleaning, just to show how the bathroom was literally not clean, and I asked very kindly that the bathroom have more attention than the rest of the house. She said we have a lot of stuff and it’s hard to get through everything each time. I agreed with her and said again, as I had said when we first met, that the bathrooms were the most important thing to me and where we really wanted the help in the first place. She said they’d do better the next time on it. The only difference the next time was that they opened up and rearranged our entire cabinet storage in the bathroom… one of the few areas in our home that actually are very intentionally arranged, and that I personally feel is an off-limits thing – don’t mess with people’s toothbrushes and all when they’re hidden away in a cabinet. Nonetheless, my husband was also very frustrated by it and has never liked the service, he’s been much more against it than I have, and he’s had maids throughout his life. He just felt like they did a terrible job here, and I eventually had to agree. For what we were paying, they really weren’t doing an appropriate job, nor were they doing everything they claimed to be doing – if you clean all the doors, then why does this door have visible dust on every indented area? Anyway, I sent her a message today and thanked her for all her help, said we won’t move using her service anymore, as it doesn’t offer what we need; but thank you, again, and I wish you good luck. She replied with an ‘Okay, gracias,’ and then eventually sent another message saying that, ‘the truth is, of all her clients, I complain the most, and, though they tried very hard, they never could please me’. What the actual, people?(!!!!!!!!) I just don’t see how the interactions I had with her equate to complaining, let some complaining the most and never being able to be pleased. In all fairness, we weren’t pleased with the service. But we never communicated that and always gave the benefit of the doubt. Plus, we were grateful for the help. We wished it were better help, but we were still grateful. And by asking once, after her saying to do so, for them to do a better job on the one room I had always said was what really mattered to us, I because the client who complains the most and can never be pleased. The irony is infuriating. I fought so hard for her and her team with my husband – he wanted them gone from the start. He then extra wanted them gone over a month ago, but I fought to keep them. The lady seemed very much not grateful for this fact. Aaaaarrghjjhgggaaahhh!!!!!!!

Stop being so mean, people(!). Please(!). It really, really sucks.

Fortunately, I don’t have to deal with her anymore, so I can move onward in life. Just have to finish being pissed off – and figure out why I’m so particularly infuriated, so I can let it go – and then I’ll be free to wander forward happily in life.

Ugh.

People sometimes really suck.

God, heal my sore tummy, please, while making my baby healthy and well and growing well with me. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today, we had a celebratory meal with the family of my husband’s friend and former co-worker. Their children are also my husband’s godchildren. Nonetheless, I thought we were just having a meal with them. I didn’t know until the husband specifically commented about it that it was to celebrate our pregnancy.

Gee, Hun, thanks for filling me in… 😂

Nonetheless, I had a good time. And I think my husband did, too. I got a little overwhelmed at times, as the kids can get really loud and the house echos amazingly loudly, and the kids can also get a little close at times. But we stayed for about five hours and it was a mostly enjoyable time for all.

I particularly enjoyed how, right after we arrived, when I sat on the sofa, the dog immediately came over to me and snuggled right up to my belly. I barely know this dog and she has never done anything like it before with me. The wife commented almost immediately, “She knows you’re pregnant… She’s protecting you.” And it really seemed to be true. She just perfectly aligned herself to be touching my belly but not to be pushing on it or anything. I worried at first that I wouldn’t like being touched on my belly, but something about how the dog curled up against me actually felt immediately like a balm. It was awesome. I am especially grateful for that. I have been so physically lonely lately, it was perfectly what I needed.

Thank you, God, for the friends and the love today. Please, make us all well and keep us all safe. And, please, make my body healthy and strong and well, especially in my blood. Help me to eat appropriately to be well after the blood tests tomorrow. And, please, help us sort comfortably through all the financials involved with this current and each next stage of our lives. Thank you for this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I sent this to a recent friend who had gone to high school with me. She has been very helpful and very accepting of all of what’s been going on for us lately. I very much value her and am grateful for all her support, simple as it may seem.

………

Hey, did you ever have anything where people kind of looked down on you, because you weren’t as far along as someone else?
I had an odd experience at a baby shower today
Multiple people kind of seemed to be condescending to me about how I wasn’t ‘very far along’. But they weren’t at all the same to the girl who is literally a week and a half further along
I was just kind of ‘Wtf, people?’
I also felt negativity around my wanting to wait until birth to know if it’s a boy or girl. Again, I was very ‘wtf?’ Because what does it actually matter? I don’t get it…

………..

I had a positive time as a whole at the shower, and I am glad that I went. But it was also odd at times. The freezing cold house made everything worse for me physically, and I felt almost instantly miserable after arrival, despite having brought a thick and warm jacket. The cold makes me feel like I have something flu-like these days, and increases my discomfort and nausea as a whole. So, I wasn’t feeling so hot at the shower because of that. And then the comments of ‘once you’re further along, it’ll get so much better’ from the person who was never even as bad as I was today – which, by the way, already is a thousand times better than I was just a couple weeks ago… I was literally incapacitated… I did not function… so, my tough time at the shower today was nothing compared to how bad it was for me – and who is claiming I’ll be better once I’m in the second trimester… Oh, you mean the trimester that I started two weeks ago? That one will heal me? Fun fact, folks: Second trimester’s start already made me loads better. It just still sucks this much for me. My pregnancy is different from y’all’s. Nothing wrong with that, by the way. But please don’t condescend to me and ignore what I’ve already told you about my experience, and keep saying I’ll be better when I’m further along and finally in the second trimester.

Ugh.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, thank you for listening, folks who are entirely uninvolved. Remember that you are already good enough as you are. Progress and improvements can always be made – we can always be better than we are in this moment. But we are already good enough right now, exactly as we are.

Thank you, God, for helping me attend the event today and do a decent job despite feeling so unwell. Help my husband to accept my feelings and experiences and support me through them. Help me to communicate effectively to my husband. Help us tog row more and more together and with you. Keep my husband safe, please. Heal me of this nausea and grow our baby well. Help our family to expand safely and beautifully through this child. Thank you for this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024