hannah ananas

I want to go to school tomorrow, because I want to be a good teacher to my students and because I want to be paid.

I also want to stay home and rest all day tomorrow.

However, I more want to do a good job and earn money, so that one wins for tomorrow. Even though I really want the second option loads.

God, help me to do well at work, please. Help me to be the awesome teacher these girls need this year. Make me well to be that teacher, please, and help me to earn as much money as possible this year in order to support my family financially. Help us to do this, please. Keep me and the baby safe and make us both well, please. Keep my husband safe, please. Help me to want what you want for me… or, at least, not to resist it so fiercely as I have wanted lately. Help me to see and pursue and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today was actual classes, and it was much better than yesterday. I was exhausted by the end in a different way. There was satisfaction in today, mixed with the exhaustion. I have much to figure out in order to find balance in my daily schedule. However, I think it will turn out okay in time. The girls are hard to manage while worn down as I am. However, most said they have been around pregnant women before, and they seemed very understanding of the few behaviors that I said likely would be common for me these next several months. (Much more so than the adults have been, sadly…)

The schedule is a bad one. The concept is good, but implementation is bad. Not having any kind of break for four hours is not okay. However, a fellow teacher told me that I can shorten one of the classes a bit in order to create a break for both the students and for myself. A much-needed break at that. Hopefully, that will work. I suspect it would help immensely, so I look forward to giving it a go. I’m a bit nervous about getting in trouble for doing it, but I think I have to do it – I was not okay today without it.

I also plan to incorporate some meditative music during handwriting practices – both parts are new for me – so that we can have some calm and quiet-esque time in class, as well. 80 minutes straight of chatter is a lot for me. Let alone having it for four hours straight. So, working on some better energy balance in my lesson chunking, as they call it in education.

God, thank you for this day and this job. Help me to find balance in it. Help me to be a good teacher to these girls, while helping me to take care of myself and this baby. Help us all to be loving and forgiving and understanding – help us to pursue and fulfill your will. Keep my husband safe, please. Keep me and the baby safe, too, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today was the first day of school. But all of my students were getting laptops as their first day of school. So, I was in charge of my advisory all day long, but didn’t reply get much time to do anything with them as a teacher. I mostly was just extra support while other people, who are very much not teachers, instructed them on computer stuff. (I kid you not, that PowerPoint really bothered me with how terrible it was…) It didn’t feel like the first day of school.

So, I was basically bored most of the day, and had to sit quietly and observe. It was utterly exhausting. I’m not sure I could have been more tired coming home this afternoon. It didn’t help that I woke at 3am and never could fall back asleep.

I pray that tonight will be better and that I will sleep a lot and very well. Help me to be a good teacher to my students, please. Help me to earn money to support my family. Help me and our baby to be well. Heal me of the misery that currently surrounds me, please, and guide me in your will clearly. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Sometimes, things just suck. And sometimes, the devil sends his workers after you even harder, because he sees that you are struggling. And that makes it all the harder.

But we can still get through it all and be who God made us to be. It may seem impossible at times. Perhaps those are the times we must just give it up to God, and follow blindly His lead.

May tomorrow go better, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

It’s ten PM and I’m not yet finished getting ready for bed. I only just ate, starting at about 8:40, and digestion is struggling right now. Getting rather uncomfortable, really. But that’s how the schedule went tonight.

I did get to go to part of Mass with my husband this evening, and I really enjoyed being able to join him for that. It was still a bit tough for me, but the shortened time helped a lot. (The person who was supposed to come to the house this morning didn’t show up when she’d said she would, and I had to leave to go eat, I was getting so sick. So, I made an effort to go for part of the service this evening when my husband went, and he let me know when they were at certain points.) I really enjoyed it, but was also totally worn out afterward.

So, going to bed now. Slowly making plans for day one at school Tuesday. Still annoyed with the school administration and how they have poorly handled several things so far. Likely will have to miss our first Thursday meeting, because I must go to the appointment with the chiropractor this time. I missed it last week because of the terrible in-service schedule they had planned at school. They had told me before that Thursday meetings ended at four PM. Based on the calendar invitations Friday, it looks more like they begin at four PM. Not the same thing. Not at all the same thing. Yet another thing that is not what they claimed. (Like how they said the blurb was for the head of the school to send to all current faculty and staff, but actually used it to post about us on social media without telling us. There wasn’t no e-mail at all, in the end.)

Ugh(!!!).

Anyway, I must sleep.

God, help me to sleep well, please. Make me and the baby well. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today started out with some great snuggling with my husband, followed by some hurried tidying and a very good but brief visit with my dad and sister. Then I was utterly exhausted, and so passed out on the sofa for hours. I think I slept about four hours, with minimal waking and shifting around.

However, after that, I guess because I had gone so long without eating – I had had my usual breakfast, but just before 9am, and it was now after 1:30 – I started feeling sick. And it got worse, even though I was eating all the random stuff I could manage. By evening, I was beyond miserable. Still not as bad as most of the summer, but I haven’t felt so sick in a few weeks at this point.

Even after I ate a full meal’s worth of food – truly, my husband made me a plate of a real meal, lots of protein and calories – I only felt minimally improved. Hours after the fact, and only recently after further snacking, I grew very close to throwing up while brushing my teeth just now. I’m not sure I’ll be able to fall asleep, and I’m not sure I can even lie down at an angle good enough for sleeping yet.

So, that sucks.

But, when I cried into my husband’s chest earlier about how hard it all is, he was actually awesomely supportive. That was great. I still felt physically like junk, but I felt quite a bit better emotionally. That was an improvement for his responses to my struggles lately, and I am grateful for it. We are both overwhelmed, and it isn’t easy. But it’s better together.

God, help me to sleep well, please. Nourish me and the baby with all food and drink I consume. Help me to eat and drink with easy and efficacy. Help us to pursue and follow your will. Help me to be kind, especially when I am struggling. Make us well. Keep my husband safe, please. And thank you for our home. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

This was a great thing for us all tonight. We weren’t entirely sure what to expect. I was getting quite worried about managing the venue requirements on how most things aren’t slows into a venue anymore, including “any unsealed gels or liquids”. Given that I use peppermint oil to help me with nausea, and most often in new settings with lots of people, I was worried about that one in particular. Not to mention how I can only seem to keep down ice cold water, and have to drink it either immediately or keep it in one of the fancy metal canteen bottles, like Yeti. Also, alcohol for sanitizer.

However, when we arrived downtown early to eat together, I saw as we were slowly passing the venue entrance that a whole security team was already standing there by the doors. I jumped out of the car while my husband went to find parking (coincidentally, just behind my mom’s car without either of them knowing until I pointed it out). I went and asked one of the security people to help me understand fully what the guidelines were, because I’d been unable to get anyone from the venue on the phone. I said that I was pregnant and mentioned about the oil, and ended up showing him all my little liquid/gel things and he approved them all, and the purse size, and the water bottle… with the ice water in it! He said, “You’re pregnant,” and said that that makes a difference. As long as I don’t have anything “outrageous”, it will be fine. I had even asked about my water bottle, saying I could empty it out before entering, but would there be ice inside for me to have with water? He asked what was in my bottle, if it was just water. I said that it was ice water, and explained why. He said it would be no problem, since I am pregnant.

And it all was no problem. And I am very grateful.

Oddly, our tickets never got scanned by anyone.

But we had good seats in the upper level of the small-ish venue, even though it was General Admission and we weren’t early.

And then the songs were great. Most of them sound the same in terms of the notes and rhythms sung. But it never matters. Each one is great in its own right and the lyrics are awesome.

We all had a great time. Plus, it was cool to be st something that raises money entirely to support women st the pregnancy center, especially women in crisis pregnancies, as they are sometimes called. Last year, they had over 12,000 women served, and over 2,000 babies saved from abortion.

Wow.

Thank you, Father.

Dear God, thank you for this night. Help us to sleep well tonight, please.make me and the baby well and safe keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

When will I stop being the recipient of injustice? I’m really starting to get sick of it. And this time and the last time have been from Catholic schools. They teach and preach Catholic Social Teaching. But it somehow doesn’t apply to me whenever I’m involved, and that just really sucks.

It sucks period that the injustice exists. It seems to suck even more when it is ironic. And this particular irony is really hurting.

God, help us to see the way forward, please. Help us to see your way through all of this. Free me from these thoughts that come from the devil and his workers – guide me to hear your words and to pursue and fulfill your will. Help the baby and me to be well and safe and happy. Keep my husband safe, please. Also, make our path forward with the chicken clear, please, and comfortable, if you so will it. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. Help to free me of this fear. There is so much evil surrounding so much right now, I am scared. It feels like you are disappearing and the world is being overwhelmed by the devil. Strike him down, and help us to do the same, please. Guide us to use what is most needed to heal the evil surrounding us all now, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today was much better. I was able to talk about things that have happened that are sad or upsetting without actually getting upset. I communicated rather clearly and effectively. I felt physically better than I did Monday and, even, Tuesday. I met some new people and connected with them.

One in particular has already been really sweet and helpful, giving me some useful tips for the baby registry, and also just getting the struggle of a sick-filled pregnancy (which most women don’t seem to get, it turns out). Her first was no big deal, I think it was, but her second just crushed her emotionally and physically with all the nausea she experienced. So she actually got it. And it felt so relieving to be gotten in this new environment.

We got some free time on our own today, which helped socially big time.

Also, I felt much better as a whole at school, because I wore a fitted dress today. I let people see that I am pregnant, because there is no denying it when I wear something fitted. And I had been correct in believing that most people didn’t know I was pregnant. Several specifically commented on it or started asking questions about it today, though they had had clear chances Monday and Tuesday already. They just hadn’t realized before today. It was very validating, too, to see that, when I had felt like people just thought I was angry and miserable and potentially in need of help, I was right. They did. They started treating me very differently today. Not sure that’s good that there was a difference at all, but still grateful that they seem accepting of my struggle now that they know it is a pregnancy struggle.

Anyway… still tough, but improving.

Thank you, God, for another safe day and for the love. Make the baby and me well and safe, please. Keep my husband safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I realized today that, on top of all the general struggles that arose yesterday to make it so terrible, especially at work, I had forgotten about the base social aspect of the day. I am almost exactly middle of of the road on all of the Myers-Briggs stuff, the epitome of what is now called “ambivert”. I can do and need the extroverted stuff, but I also need the calm introverted stuff. And I need it all in a single day. Too much of either drives me nuts, as does too little of either. I also very much have ADHD. I can focus very well on things, but my time doing so is limited. Same goes for sitting still. Add onto that the pregnancy aspect of being miserable staying in the same position for very long, and that’s what yesterday was for me. We had a day from 8 to 4:30 that was 95% busy, loud, extroverted time filled with loads of people (and lots of loud people) and constant talking. The only time we weren’t in that setting was during the fire alarm, when we all got kind of spread out outside. But the best and humidity did me in there, so it was another miserable, and I had to get help from several others anyway, making it still very extroverted.

I was utterly drained just from the social aspect alone. With all the pregnancy stuff added to it and the emotional stuff and food and whatnot, it’s no wonder I was ready to curl up and cry myself to sleep long before the sun went down.

Today’s having had a few hours mixed in of solo work time made all the difference. I sat alone in my room with only natural light coming in from the windows to illuminate the space during all of those solo times, and it was like a balm for me. It reminded me of how important that balance is, and of how it is also respectful to consider such things when planning schedules. Not sure when I’ll use that knowledge, but I’m sure it’ll come up at some point and be helpful in supporting others in being their best selves.

As a note, I had a meeting today with my boss ‘just to check in’. I was right in wondering if I was the only one who got the check-in meeting request. She had sent it around 1:45pm yesterday, so we hadn’t even hit the worst of the day yet for me… but maybe the crying in the morning and the utter frustration in the stupidity of the first meeting was more what got them concerned. Nonetheless, leadership were worried about me and whether I’ll actually be okay teaching, given how much I was clearly struggling yesterday. Fortunately, when I went through the order of events, she seemed to get it and said it was, “a comedy of errors”. And I didn’t even mention the social aspect, because it didn’t occur to me until after that meeting this morning. She still wants me to talk to HR, clearly to have a plan in place for when they seem to think I’ll have to go on bed rest or something – they have no idea how much I keep improving, and clearly are not accustomed to a tough pregnancy, but whatever. This baby and I are going to be well. We are just still adapting to being together right now, and she (well, it) is kind of getting all the comfort, and I’m getting all the suck. Hopefully, the suck will continue to decrease and we both can be well together very soon.

Anyway, social stuff matters, as does being aware of how we each operate best within social energies. Remember that.

God, help us to be well and safe, please. Keep my husband safe, please. Help me to have a BM in the morning before I need to leave for school, please, and heal me of this rash. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024