“Nope. Not today,” said the world

You know those days when all you want is one thing, and the world gives you just the opposite?  When the world says, “Nope.  Not today.  Today you have something more important to work on for yourself.”  Yeah… today has been one of those days.

I want to have a partner and a shared life already.  I don’t want to be alone at home anymore.  And my impatience for having this seems almost unreal even to me.  Inside, I feel sometimes like a five-year-old – complete with images of a childhood friend and her regular almost-psycho fits – screaming and crying and stamping my foot, demanding with all my helpless might that my simple desires be appeased(!), and immediately(!).  “I am ready for this, already, so give it to me, won’t you?” I silently wail.

But instead, as I am clearly not ready for a partner (since one has not yet arrived), today I was given a day for me to be with me and me alone (there wasn’t even any fun on social media to keep me company).  And I got to deal with the thoughts in my head that arose about how I didn’t want to be alone.  I could have resisted, as I have been these past two-ish months, but I decided the improvement on my life and my self would be well worth the efforts and time.

As the sun was beginning to set, I had sorted through loads of crazy thoughts I hadn’t even acknowledged that I’d been carrying around with me.  Yes, I still want a partner, and no, I still don’t have one.  But that desire is placated.  I want it with all my being, but the desperation has cooled.  And my goal is to have it continue to cool, until it is calm, cool contentment.

I suppose this is just one more step in the process of developing myself to the point of actually being ready to share my life with another.  It’s 100% annoying a good amount of the time, but I can only imagine how much more wonderful life will be with a partner, when I have already grown out of my biggest problems of my life today.  The kind of things we’ll be able to take on not only in our relationship with one another, but in our relationship to the rest of the world, too… I am lit up inside, and smiling out, just at the idea of the wonders our life would be.  😀

And I also realize that I might never have a partner.  I won’t settle, so there’s a definite chance of my never meeting someone with whom I can share life.  But, I suppose that, if I already am dealing with my current problems of not wanting to be alone, then whether I find someone or not once I’m over this hill, I’ll still be content – life will be fabulous whether I have a partner or not.  🙂  (Obviously I’m super biased right now, but I can see that altering completely with just a little more work!)

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