Lately, I have a sort of perpetual look of having just cried. It isn’t all the time, exactly… but almost all of the time I’m at work, anyway. I don’t know when it started, really, but I know that I’ve been noticing it at work every time I look in the mirror. It’s never the case at home, or out elsewhere, but constantly so at work. I wonder if it is the fact that mornings have somehow become incredibly difficult for me recently.
I used to dislike being up so early in the mornings (5:30 alarm was my late alarm back in Houston), but I still got myself up and out, and had a great day. Here, however, my alarm is 6:45, and I never want to get up. Once I finally do get up, I very much dislike moving about – getting dressed, making breakfast, making and packing my lunch, and brushing my teeth are all sorts of annoyances to me, and things my mind resists doing most days. Basically, anything that has me be ready to walk out the door, is something I seem to want not to do each morning.
And why is this so? I think it’s because my body is tired of the trip to work. I used to ride much farther to get to school on some days (11-ish miles max and 2-3-ish miles minimum one direction), and I was completely okay with that. So what has changed? The difference I notice is twofold. 1) It was flat, easy riding almost the entire way before, and now the ride is packed with difficult hills the entire trek (yes, it is a trek, instead of a ride, now). 2) It was optional before, and is a requirement now.
When it’s an easy, but long ride, what’s the big deal? Nothing. When it’s a difficult ride, no matter the distance/length, what’s comforting about that just after waking up, and getting ready to begin the day? Nothing. (Haha – I see what I did there.)
Also, when it is optional to ride, and driving is available (aka no effort and no sweat (literally)), then I get to enjoy every day of riding, and take a break when I find I need a break. But being obligatory completely alters the situation – I’m not doing it each day because I want to do it, but because I must do it. When my knees hurt and it’s freezing cold rain outside, I still have to ride those blasted hills, and hope I don’t get sick (Although, really, I had hoped I would get sick the last time that happened, because then I could have stayed home a few days and not had to ride…, but I didn’t get sick from it (just of it).).
So, what do I do now? I’m really not sure. I started looking into license information, considering getting a license and a sort of moped, but the search was not so fruitful. I think I’ll try again, though. I don’t currently see another option that actually makes sense (aside from quitting my job, of course, but that’s not really part of the agreement I made i coming here, so I’d rather not do that for the sake of my word… however, I would do it if I knew there were something amazing I could start doing instead… just like with anything else that is mediocre, when something amazing comes along.), so I’ll stick with this endeavor for now, and see where it can get me.
Of course, this means I have to get over my averseness to getting to know life here, and possibly/likely enjoying it all. One day at a time, I suppose… so, what shall I do today after work? (Ugh, gag… guess I’m not moving too quickly on that one yet. But I must persevere, because life is beautiful, even if parts of it totally suck, yeah? Mmhmm. Yeah. Yes.) 😉
Day 38 of 40