Author: hannah.ananas

 

Okay.  I’m beginning to notice a sense of unreasonable panic arising within me.  Kind of like there’s a long-famished lion on the prowl, with only a window dividing us (even though I live in this little town where there are definitely no lions)…  and I somehow know that I’m going to open the window and climb outside.  Seeing as how something is clearly drawing me out that window, my question is: Did I make up that the lion was hungry?

A week ago exactly, I started a notebook to create my life as I want it to be (Hannah’s Life Created).  Every day, I have written in the notebook.  Sometimes I create a new page and category/area of my life.  Sometimes I add to already-existing categories/areas.  I at first struggled to come up with things to write; I began wondering all throughout the next day, in search of what I might write for that night.  After multiple days of doing this, though, I have begun to overflow with ideas and thoughts on the subject of my created life.  And it’s beginning to be kind of scary…

Specifically the “Things To Do” list (a list of things I want to do) has started to frighten me.  I haven’t quite allowed myself to write down the more crazy ideas yet, but with my recent insight on this particular list, I am starting to write them… and this is where I experience myself fingering that window latch…

Allow me to explain: I have always been afraid of writing a list like this, although I could never put words as to why I wouldn’t ever do it… after thinking it over the past 30-ish hours, I’m beginning to think that I never could write a list of things I wanted to do in life, because I was afraid of two things:

1) What if I don’t accomplish everything I put on the list?

2) What if I actually accomplish everything I put on the list?

On the one hand, I’ve already considered myself a failure, as though this were a grade in school that were somehow actually going to define me as an individual, and qualify my existence.  On the other hand, I am terrified of how amazing I would have to be in order to accomplish all, or even half, of those things I would want to put on such a list.  That in mind, I totally see how I definitely would have avoided the task.

So, what actually happens if I don’t accomplish everything?  Then I don’t accomplish everything.  Period.  And what if I do accomplish everything I put on the list?  Gosh, what a life!  Really, though, I can hardly imagine how amazing life would be if I were to accomplish these ridiculous tasks and to-dos building up in my mind right now…

So, dear lion, you may continue your prowl, but get ready; I will be bounding after you to tumble and rumble with excitement and joy soon enough!  (Guess we know what I’m adding to my notebook tonight.)  ;P  But actually… watch out world!  If I’m already thinking about playing with lions, one can only imagine what I might put on my list of things to do.  Up next for me and my life: How crazy a to-do list can I make?

P.S.  I’m going to write another one of these on the matter of the “My Partner” area of my life I am creating.  Boy, is that one biting me in the butt with issues arising I never was willing to acknowledge… but that’s another article.  For now, I’ve already been at work thirty minutes more than needed for today, and I’ve loads of cardboard to cut apart and tie together for paper pickup on Saturday!  Happy life!  😀

Today, I am just going to write.

I have been quite frustrated off and on lately… and that has led me to be even more frustrated.  😛  I recently saw my life from the eyes of, I guess, someone else, and discovered that it is the stuff of dreams.  I have no reason to complain about my life, or even to be dissatisfied.  And yet, here I am, being frustrated and upset, and wanting to complain anyway.  What’s with that?

I went on a beach adventure with some new friends recently, and a mini-series of unfortunate events and momentary bad decisions led me to an actual life-threatening experience.  No, the two of us did not die (obviously), and we didn’t actually end up in hospital or anything.  However, we were rather banged up and bloody, and the slightest difference in our actions could have left us in either or both situations (that is, in the hospital and/or dead).

Nonetheless, I required myself to get something out of the experience, to see something new for myself and my life.  What I have found so far, is that there are many places where I am not being true to myself, where I am not being authentic and fully self-expressed in my life.  (Not that this was actually news to me, but I am seeing them all now from the eyes of someone out to do something about it.)

Of course, these areas all seem to be directly linked to the points where I want to complain and cry about my life.

Example: I feel uninspired and unfulfilled with work – well, have I actually sat down and created what I truly want to have my work be for long-term, how I want my work to look?  Nope.  I have done a fabulous job of finding something to escape my complaints with my previous work.  Out of the context of ‘This job sucks for me; how could I take a break from working?’, I found myself jetting across the world on another adventure.

The fact that I’m somewhat painfully uninspired by my complete lack of work to do while required to be at work only makes perfect sense – I wanted ‘not work’.  I wanted a break from work.  And that’s exactly what I got: I’m getting paid to learn a new language and culture, and to share my language with others, however they ask me to share it.  Definitely not something I consider to be work. (Though talk about having to let go of being in charge!  Wowzer.)

Now, the moment I see this adventure as my long-term job, I hate my job.  However, remembering that this is my created chance to figure out what I want to do next about work completely transforms my daily life.  With that in mind, I am left with the space actually to create exactly what I want, as well as enjoy each day for what it is, right here and now.

And this isn’t just for work.  I am here, as I said months ago, ‘to figure out what I want to do with myself… now, next, and in life as a whole.’  All those areas of my life that seem to be an off-and-on struggle right now, actually are covered by this scope of ‘What do I do with myself?’

So, my new question is: What do I put in place as a means of wondering into my future and creating who, how, and where I want to be, and what I want to be doing?  By working on this question in particular, I get to develop ideas and then actions to take, which will disappear my current reasons for complaint.

That being said, I will figure out tonight, before I go to sleep, exactly how I want to do this. Seeing as how I am very good at procrastinating for large things, I believe it will be five to ten minutes each day, where I sit down with a notebook entitled “My Future, Created”, and write.  Whatever comes up, I just write about it, and I keep always in mind that I am creating my future here, that my words are turning clouds of evasive thought into concrete ideas, to be then turned into reality by my actions and ways of being.

(Plus, the way things usually go for me, as soon as I begin doing something about it all, things are just handed to me.  I recently said, ‘I’m going to try this teaching thing,’ and then began an online course for certification.  A week later, without having sought out anything, I had a job offer teaching, with no certification required.  This is part of the beauty of how my life works.)

So… life is beautiful.  And I happen to be off work in 2 minutes, at which time I shall bolt to my wifi-free apartment;  furniture awaits me in boxes, and I am ready to put it all together and finish creating my new living space.  (The next step in loving my new daily life, I suppose!)  🙂  No matter what, though, life always will be what I create it to be – it’s completely up to me.  😛  So, I choose to create life as beautiful, even with all of the struggles.  😀

 

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The Stuff of Dreams

 

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Grateful to be Alive

“This must be what it’s like when guys grope for a girl’s boobs… Say what?!”

Yes, actually my thoughts (causing me to burst out laughing) as I was somewhat sprawled across the avocado display case.

Let me explain.  In the grocer this week, seeking final ingredients for our planned dinner menu, I developed a sudden craving for an avocado, seeing them in their little display area.  We were in a sort of hurry, so I rushed to the avocados, and quickly felt them up. (I know, right?!)

Until that time, I had not organized an opinion on the experience of searching for a ripe avocado in that ever-underripe pile of the grocer’s fruit.  But, as I hurriedly felt through this particular pile, and was stretched out across the avocados, my hands sort of grabbing at everything they could touch, looking for some squish… I suddenly felt a connection to the experience of partner dancing.

“This must be what it’s like when guys grope for a girl’s boobs in dance…” was my sudden thought, followed instantly by, “Say what?!” and a ridiculous giggle.

Perhaps it was because I had spent the previous weekend at a dance event, where late-night dancing leads to accidental (and unfortunately intentional, but that’s another story) boob-grabs and gropes, that I had this thought.  Perhaps it was because of my sense of desperation, the way I imagine guys must feel in their desire to land their hands in the ‘right spot’.  Perhaps it was something else entirely.

Nonetheless, I had the thought.  And I don’t think I’ll ever see the search for ripe avocados in their previous light again (which, I guess, was just as fruit).

So, the next time you see that pile of avocados, smile.  Imagine me with you as you test them for ripeness.  Imagine me, chuckling beside you, sprawled out across the display, delightedly groping for avocados.

 

Perquisite number one of being a teacher: Getting paid to do absolutely anything I want (within the law, of course) for two-ish months of the year.  This is not to say that teaching is necessarily ‘worth it’ for the summer break; there are a million other factors required for teaching to be ‘worth it’. I simply mean that the top benefit of being a teacher is the summertime pay.

Around 2pm on a Monday (after having gone to bed extremely late), a friend, who has a full-time job, started this bit of conversation:

“Umm what are you up to today?”
“Literally lying on my living room floor right now” [<-my part]
“Oh very nice! I’m working haha”
“I’m working hard to stay awake. That’s almost the same thing”
“Really now? I’m exhausted, you’re killing me!”

And this is just a typical day in the neighborhood.  I had already played around on guitar, done some studying up on Japanese history, and accomplished many other things in preparation for my upcoming trip.  I made myself some actual breakfast around 2pm (as opposed to the snacks I’d been having all morning), and then went rock-climbing with friends, only to fall asleep on my living room floor afterward in the middle of dinner.

Yesterday, I sat outside with my cat and watched the severe rain- and thunderstorm pound down on the city, thereby canceling all of my hoped-for plans for the day.  (I decided to paint at home instead, before going out to a seminar and a midnight dinner with my mom and a friend.)

Today I woke up around 9:30 (exceedingly late for me after my usual 5:20am school year alarm), well-rested and ready to go.  I made a fancy healthy smoothie, and then went rock-climbing with a friend (my second time this week and ever).  I just helped out a friend over the phone with some grammar questions she had for her job (You, too, can learn about punctuating dates and times in the middle of a sentence! Click here. Haha.), and I’ll go put away my now-dry paintings I did yesterday evening, then head to the pool for a bit.  Later, I’ll end up at my mom’s house for dinner and a sewing lesson; I get to make my own skirts tomorrow!  (Naturally, I am thrilled, because I cannot seem to find beautiful clothing that actually fits me and was anywhere near fairly-traded.)

This week has been rather organized compared to others.  But, the point is: it doesn’t even matter if my day is organized or not, if I am hyper-productive or not – I am paid to update my skills, practice my various hobbies, and sleep as much or as little as I want.  No strings attached.

Of course, there are a million drawbacks to being a teacher (the main one at the moment being that, even though I have plenty of time to do whatever I like right now, I can only afford the average, everyday kinds of things, because teachers earn like no money in the first place).  However, summer vacation is really just the bomb.  Period.  And, because of our pay, I don’t even have to feel bad for all those suckers stuck in suits and offices all day long, while I lie in the sun, have some gelato, bike ride, and go wherever my fancy takes me… which is occasionally to right here on my living room floor.  I can just enjoy getting paid to sleep (or not).  🙂