Today, I am sharing with you (whoever you may be) an e-mail, which I wrote earlier today. I feel it expresses the exact reason for which I have been calm and at ease today and tonight, and even did laundry without a fuss just a bit ago, and have made plans for my next load tomorrow (and with ease of mind).
Note: The thing I am referencing, the thing to which I listened Sunday morning, is a Ted 250 talk on making hard decisions, which my dad had sent me.
Listened to this Sunday morning, and been thinking about it ever since. Mom, I just sent you some texts about my current thoughts, but here’s an e-mail to keep you two in the loop on my thinking, and to give a space for each of your thoughts on the matter.
As I mentioned to you, Mom, I think I’m not a big business person. (I’d been considering looking for work with Schlumberger or the likes) I could be a big business person, and I don’t want to be one… not really. I only want the money and the prestige for it, the respect from others, and their high opinions of me. As you mentioned recently, Mom, other’s people’s opinions of me are none of my business. An initially difficult thought, but a powerful and releasing one. If I were to be a big business person, I realize (and I have always known this on some level) that it would be a never-ending effort to keep the real me alive, to maintain who I am at heart…, because the big business is not who I truly am, you see. Suits are fun, but only on occasion – I don’t want the daily suit lifestyle. (Though, to be fair, I might like it better if this
were the norm!! Is it weird that I can So see Rob in these? But I digress…)
So, I think I want to do art school. I am constantly thinking about how I want to be trained in art skills (since high school, actually), and have always somehow seen myself being in a million art classes. I’m not sure exactly how to go about doing it, but I think I want to start with working and schooling together in [—]. I can do [Community College] evenings as a start, with subbing and tutoring and potentially teaching a couple classes part-time, as well as reffing (and possibly coaching) lacrosse. Perhaps, after I’ve done some art classes, I’ll know if I want to go into an official school or something – I’ll at least know if I like what I’m doing, and it will only be one university semester to figure that out (as opposed to a high school semester or an academic year or more).
My main thought is that I need to focus my life around the things for which I most long, instead of finding work that provides the money to do the things I want to do, and just doing those things on the side, and often ending up not having time for them in the first place.
Mom, I know you already said, and quite perfectly, “If you build it, they will come. Follow your heart, and the money will follow.” (Yes, I added commas for myself.) Nonetheless, I would love for y’all’s thoughts and ideas on it all. You two know me best, and in two different ways, so I look most to you two for… well, everything. 😛
Okay, two e-mails – I also want to share my follow-up e-mail to my mother’s response to the initial e-mail…
Haha! Yep! Get it. Got it. Good. And I liked how what she said inspired my thinking, as opposed to all of the specific things she said for their own value and meaning. Some was great, and a lot was “Okay…..?” The end result, however, was an inspired thinking and evaluation of my current situation of “hard decisions” to be made. I like looking at it as Who do I want to be out of this decision/choice? and What has integrity for who I want to be?