Fear

I have been experiencing depression and lots of other negative emotions lately, with a lot of it sourced from my gym, which has always been a place of welcome and homeyness and safety. With new management and a new organization to who does what, the entire experience has changed… and it hasn’t been for the good on our end. There is so much potential available to it, but it has been a very rocky start. And my man and I have certainly gotten the rough and short end of it all. What makes it worse is that the people running it all likely have no earthly idea… even though they’re kind of the ones causing it, both directly and indirectly.

So, I’ve been wanting to leave the gym the past month-ish. But I haven’t found anything that offers the same fitness opportunity yet, so I haven’t left. (That’s how bad it has been, yes.) Since there is nowhere else to go right now, I am seeing if we can work this out here, at least for the time being. Perhaps brutal honesty is what is truly needed.

I reached out to the person in charge today, asking to schedule a meeting within the next week-ish. It was a positive response. Now, we just have to align on a time.

That all being said, I pray for the guidance to communicate effectively in this meeting. Thank you, God, for this opportunity. Help me to grow and fulfill your will as I make a positive difference for myself and the gym and all of its current and future members by having this meeting. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

On thin ice…?

Tread lightly… tread lightly…, they say…

I am treading lightly….(!!!!)

And it’s making me sick.

My stomach actually aches from treading lightly here….

What if I just don’t want to tread lightly in this case?(!!)

And not from a place of egotism or righteousness or, even, disregard for authority…. from a place of genuine, heart-deep, conscious love and inspiration.

What if I want to break the ice, clear the surface, and plunge…?

The silly part is that I couldn’t even tell you why I want to do it that way, which is what makes me feel so stupid about it all…, and yet…

I want deep to my core to plunge… I am ready for it… I have been preparing…

And yet… I tread lightly…

Whatever the case, I think I need to give up treading lightly when it just doesn’t work for me – it is lacking in integrity for me to tread lightly, to be cautious… so, either I start doing some cracking and shaking, or I walk away, I think…

Neither feels amazing right now, but I can tell already that either is better than this as it stands… this is not uplifting for anyone right now; there is something better for us all here than the current state of affairs.

And my first step is to step already – either fully on the ice or back off to shore – and to do it fully and confidently… there is something better waiting for me…, for all of us, I guess, really.

Anyway, as Superchick says, though it might not be today, “someday I’ll hope again, and there’ll be beauty from pain.”

I am ready for this someday… let’s get to walking big time, Nanner, and deal with this ice situation, one way or the other.

Post-a-day 2020

Self-discovery and second opinions

Today, I am sharing with you (whoever you may be) an e-mail, which I wrote earlier today. I feel it expresses the exact reason for which I have been calm and at ease today and tonight, and even did laundry without a fuss just a bit ago, and have made plans for my next load tomorrow (and with ease of mind).

Note: The thing I am referencing, the thing to which I listened Sunday morning, is a Ted 250 talk on making hard decisions, which my dad had sent me.


 

Listened to this Sunday morning, and been thinking about it ever since.  Mom, I just sent you some texts about my current thoughts, but here’s an e-mail to keep you two in the loop on my thinking, and to give a space for each of your thoughts on the matter.

As I mentioned to you, Mom, I think I’m not a big business person.  (I’d been considering looking for work with Schlumberger or the likes)  I could be a big business person, and I don’t want to be one… not really.  I only want the money and the prestige for it, the respect from others, and their high opinions of me.  As you mentioned recently, Mom, other’s people’s opinions of me are none of my business.  An initially difficult thought, but a powerful and releasing one.  If I were to be a big business person, I realize (and I have always known this on some level) that it would be a never-ending effort to keep the real me alive, to maintain who I am at heart…, because the big business is not who I truly am, you see.  Suits are fun, but only on occasion – I don’t want the daily suit lifestyle.  (Though, to be fair, I might like it better if this were the norm!!  Is it weird that I can So see Rob in these?  But I digress…)
So, I think I want to do art school.  I am constantly thinking about how I want to be trained in art skills (since high school, actually), and have always somehow seen myself being in a million art classes.  I’m not sure exactly how to go about doing it, but I think I want to start with working and schooling together in [—].  I can do [Community College] evenings as a start, with subbing and tutoring and potentially teaching a couple classes part-time, as well as reffing (and possibly coaching) lacrosse.  Perhaps, after I’ve done some art classes, I’ll know if I want to go into an official school or something – I’ll at least know if I like what I’m doing, and it will only be one university semester to figure that out (as opposed to a high school semester or an academic year or more).
My main thought is that I need to focus my life around the things for which I most long, instead of finding work that provides the money to do the things I want to do, and just doing those things on the side, and often ending up not having time for them in the first place.
Mom, I know you already said, and quite perfectly, “If you build it, they will come.  Follow your heart, and the money will follow.”  (Yes, I added commas for myself.)  Nonetheless, I would love for y’all’s thoughts and ideas on it all.  You two know me best, and in two different ways, so I look most to you two for… well, everything.  😛
Love y’all!
Peace

Hannah


Okay, two e-mails – I also want to share my follow-up e-mail to my mother’s response to the initial e-mail…


 

Haha!  Yep!  Get it.  Got it.  Good.  And I liked how what she said inspired my thinking, as opposed to all of the specific things she said for their own value and meaning.  Some was great, and a lot was “Okay…..?”  The end result, however, was an inspired thinking and evaluation of my current situation of “hard decisions” to be made.  I like looking at it as Who do I want to be out of this decision/choice? and What has integrity for who I want to be?

 
Love y’all.
Peace

Hannah


Post-a-day 2017