Today I did a sort of volunteering, and I had a total breakdown for myself. (Yes, tears and all!) 😀
As I noticed my irritation at being skipped over for helping with certain things, I wondered why I cared – it’s not like any of this takes master brain power, or special Hannah skills in the first place, so why am I annoyed at being asked to do this task versus that task? I eventually got to the source of my irritation: I was asked to do this task, because it doesn’t required any Japanese knowledge or use. I was not asked to do other tasks, because the assigners believed me incapable of accomplishing them (due to my level of Japanese).
It was a three-part annoyance initially.
1) They aren’t letting me to something, because they think me incapable.
2) They didn’t even check if I were capable of the tasks, but just assumed me incapable.
3) I actually was incredibly capable of those particular tasks, and had even done them before, when my Japanese was a much lower level than it is now.
Now, these are all things that could cause some real annoyance, right? Right.
However, I looked further than that. I am here, making a difference, and that’s my purpose of being here. So why am I getting annoyed at this whole thing? What’s behind those three concerns? Well, I didn’t know at first.
As part of the thing at which I was helping, one of the conversations was about complaints we have in life, and what we get out of those complaints, as well as what we miss out on because of our having retained the complaints.
The area which stuck out to me instantly (and which I did not want to address, of course) was my job. Almost immediately from the start of this one-year-contract job, I disliked it. And, here I am, four moths later, still hating it. Even though there are plenty of things I love about it, I still have this utter dislike of my job. It’s boring. It’s a waste of my time. I’m better than this. They’re doing it all wrong – it would makes Loads more sense to do it This way instead. They’re stupid – they just need to listen to me and let me do it. Why do I have to do it This way?… This way sucks! And, most of all, Why do I have to be here in such a crap situation?
So, seeing this constant, repeating complaints about my job, I looked at what I got out of the complaining. More than anything else, I get to be right, and I get to avoid responsibility. I get to be right that my job sucks and, obviously, everyone telling me what to do or how to do things is totally wrong, as well as that I shouldn’t be here and am better than all of this boring nonsense that a Monkey could do. I get to avoid the responsibility of finding a job I love, and putting forth the effort required for such a task, allowing me to be a victim of the situation of my job, as opposed to the fact that I was lazy, and just went one of the easier routes in finding an international job. This sucks, and it’s totally not my fault at all. That was about it.
And, what did I miss out on by being right and by avoiding responsibility in finding a great job? Relationships with the people around me each day. Sleep (from staying up, hating having to go to work the next morning, and so putting it off as long as possible). Fun at work. Joy in my day-to-day. Sharing my love and wisdom with the world. Being happy, and spreading my usually-infectious happiness all around me. Being calm and relaxed (because I was so stressed all the time with the annoyance of “My job sucks.”). Loving life. Being me*.
So, what did this have to do with my annoyance in the volunteering? Well, with all of my complaints around my work, I had been so focused on proving to who knows who that everything is just wrong about my job, that I had sacrificed not only getting to know the country around me, but also really studying, using, and learning Japanese. So, essentially, I was pissed off, because I had kept myself from learning more Japanese, which had caused the problem of the people here today thinking I didn’t know enough Japanese to help with certain fun tasks. Wow.
Now, I cried tears of fury when I finally saw that. Total breakdown, right? Right. So, I declared that, in terms of the Japanese learning and studying, I would write out the list of phrases and such that I normally would learn (when learning a new language) before going to bed tonight, and that I would have them translated correctly to Japanese by 6p.m. Wednesday. A first step in creating my advancement in the study of the Japanese language. And I’m actually really excited now, thinking about all the fun and silly and crazy things I’ll get to go do, now that I’m actually taking on learning Japanese (and by “actually taking on learning Japanese”, I mean learning it Really, ridiculously well).
I’m still not willing to give up everything on the work complaints, and I’m not so sure why…, but I’m going to look into that this week. There’s something still in the way for me in letting that all go. I’m okay letting go of most of it, but something deep down is holding tight to a wadded handful of complaints. (Haha, how ridiculous does this sound? Ridiculous to me, and yet I still won’t let it all go! Craziness, Hannah. Craziness.) 😀 How about we plan that I get over it by Tuesday of next week, 12 noon? Sounds good. I can get my final hours and days of being angry at my job, and hopefully see how utterly ridiculous it, and just let it go and have a breakthrough where I create something new and fabulous (and beneficial, of course!) in its stead. I’ve had a breakdown, so now it is time for a breakthrough! Okay, go! 😀 Yess! 😀
*I, because I do care about grammar.