I certainly feel it.
It suddenly occurred to me today that I am depressed.
I have done a wonderful job of convincing those around me that I am just tired of this or that, that I am ‘over it’ in regards to certain topics in my life…, but I was never fully convinced myself.
My lack of action, combined with my genuine interest and motivation, in regards to school is what caught me today.
The only other times I have behaved this way – wanting one thing, but being utterly inactive except under very specific, almost forced opportunity circumstances – were when I was depressed abroad, living in my own.
I hadn’t really ever experienced it here, in my hometown.
Perhaps that was why I ignored it, avoided it, for so long…
I am unreasonable, moody; I go from slightly bothered to extremely annoyed, angered, almost, at what traditionally would be something I easily brushed off.
I can’t stand being around people who bother my nerves – my emotional state genuinely can’t handle it… I grow angry and tearful just by being nearby…
I feel like I am crazy…
It is miserable…
At any rate, I am depressed.
And I don’t want to be anymore…
I am very functional, especially in certain areas of my life…, but I am depressed, nonetheless.
I am very good at flipping a switch to make it seem to the world – even to myself, for I had myself fooled for quite a while… to a degree, anyway – that I am totally fine, doing well, and am happy in my life, in my lot…
I think the best route of action at this point would be to get myself immediately an accountability partner – one who really understands my need for the accountability – for my school work.
And then I need to start conversing with myself on what’s going on for me.
I think I will converse with my cousin or best friend, too, because they will be able to help me move myself forward effectively, and without my building a dependence upon them.
My mom, to whom I reach out for many things in life, likely would make things only worse – she wouldn’t understand, couldn’t empathize, and would tell me to get over it all, unaware of my constantly saying that to myself he’s least several weeks already… to no avail, and to much crying, any time I consider what’s going on, what’s wrong with me.
Okay… now, to go first to yet another class where I have no idea what is going on, because I have not done an ounce of work in preparation for the class… yikes…
I can get myself out of this.
I can do this.
And it is okay to ask for support.