And sometimes it just feels like I am going to collapse inward, in a slow implosion of shattered… no, not shattered… of torn, crumbling papers. Like the papier mâché of me being cracked apart, and falling to pieces on top of itself. No one is coming. No one is going to call. And it wasn’t a successful search for a job. Today hurts. Because, even though I know what comes tomorrow, I don’t much like it, and I don’t know how to move forward from it. And what I’ve been trying hasn’t been working. So what do I do now?…
The Rain
whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
For just a moment, I linger as I pass the open window, noticing the rain outside. There is a sudden sense of longing… for something. Shortly thereafter, I find myself staring at an open door… and then standing outside it in the cold. I feel the soft sway of the wind, the occasional stream of mist caressing my face and exposed arms, and I am… just… I am.
There’s something about the rain, something magical… Deep down inside me, something awakens, and it is beckoned by the rain. I used to shower in rainstorms – shampoo and soap and all – instead of using the bathroom. Now, with no backyard, and therefore no privacy, I take to wandering through the pouring water, barefoot sometimes, but dressed in something sufficient for the public eye. I let myself be soaked through. I allow for those few minutes for nothing else to exist but the cleansing, cooling rain. And I am made new, all my tightness and strains and pains washed away.
It is as though rain is a cleanser sent from Mother Nature. Even more so than snow, rain somehow cleanses the world. Whereas snow makes everything seem new and fresh and pure, untouched (and it really just hides things under its beautiful blankets), Rain… rain washes away everything. You can literally see the cleansing happening before your eyes, all those little troubles and sorrows being swept away, creating space for the new and beautiful to take root. And every time it rains, I let the rain do the same for me, to cleanse me, so that I, too, can have the new and beautiful take root in me.
Morning tea and journaling
Okay, so it’s actually closer to 1pm, but who minds, really? Morning is what you make it. And J. Christine is taking care of me this morning, just ’cause. She’s made me Chai rice pudding, Chai tea, and is now cooking some soupy udon for me, all as I sit on the windowsill, feet on the roof, just pondering and writing and loving the morning’s relaxed sense of nothing to do but be here, and now.
In my ponderings, these two just ran up and out of me:
Sometimes I feel like I’m missing some vital, obvious piece of information, specifically in regards to my partner. It almost feels as though he’s just sitting somewhere, waiting for me to figure out that little piece of information, and then go striding up to him and say, “Wow – that took me long enough, didn’t it?”
And he’ll reply cooly, “Yeah, but it was worth the wait.” Or something like that…
So what is it that I need to figure out, world?????????
And sometimes I feel like just picking a guy and saying, ‘This’ll work.’ And then going up to him and saying:
[Name], how about we just go ahead and decide that we will be a fabulous pair, and be together, creating this unbelievably awesome relationship for the rest of our lives?
Kay, thanks. When do we get married? (Not that I’m in a rush; really just wondering.)
“Nope. Not today,” said the world
You know those days when all you want is one thing, and the world gives you just the opposite? When the world says, “Nope. Not today. Today you have something more important to work on for yourself.” Yeah… today has been one of those days.
I want to have a partner and a shared life already. I don’t want to be alone at home anymore. And my impatience for having this seems almost unreal even to me. Inside, I feel sometimes like a five-year-old – complete with images of a childhood friend and her regular almost-psycho fits – screaming and crying and stamping my foot, demanding with all my helpless might that my simple desires be appeased(!), and immediately(!). “I am ready for this, already, so give it to me, won’t you?” I silently wail.
But instead, as I am clearly not ready for a partner (since one has not yet arrived), today I was given a day for me to be with me and me alone (there wasn’t even any fun on social media to keep me company). And I got to deal with the thoughts in my head that arose about how I didn’t want to be alone. I could have resisted, as I have been these past two-ish months, but I decided the improvement on my life and my self would be well worth the efforts and time.
As the sun was beginning to set, I had sorted through loads of crazy thoughts I hadn’t even acknowledged that I’d been carrying around with me. Yes, I still want a partner, and no, I still don’t have one. But that desire is placated. I want it with all my being, but the desperation has cooled. And my goal is to have it continue to cool, until it is calm, cool contentment.
I suppose this is just one more step in the process of developing myself to the point of actually being ready to share my life with another. It’s 100% annoying a good amount of the time, but I can only imagine how much more wonderful life will be with a partner, when I have already grown out of my biggest problems of my life today. The kind of things we’ll be able to take on not only in our relationship with one another, but in our relationship to the rest of the world, too… I am lit up inside, and smiling out, just at the idea of the wonders our life would be. 😀
And I also realize that I might never have a partner. I won’t settle, so there’s a definite chance of my never meeting someone with whom I can share life. But, I suppose that, if I already am dealing with my current problems of not wanting to be alone, then whether I find someone or not once I’m over this hill, I’ll still be content – life will be fabulous whether I have a partner or not. 🙂 (Obviously I’m super biased right now, but I can see that altering completely with just a little more work!)
…that poor, crying girl
Those days when a lack of sleep and nutrition seem to consume your life… when a simple disappointment occurs as one of the worst things in the world. Tears stream down your face, a whole box of tissues could be dispensed by your nose, and you just want to collapse to the floor and stamp your feet furiously and fervently. Sometimes those days do happen. Sometimes those days are today.
One of the best parts about having those days, I just noticed, though, is learning how to be okay with them – being able to be with people and share with them in the middle of it all. If I can be clear that the unrealistic physical responses are just physical responses, and be okay with the fact that some people might not understand, while others will understand perfectly when I share with them about it, then the whole experience alters itself.
As I stood there just now, balling, I said, “I am rather exhausted right now, so my emotional responses are quite exaggerated and somewhat uncontrolled. Yes, I know what just happened sucks, but there is no need for me to have such an extreme emotional and physical response as I am right now.” I no longer felt embarrassed about the public display of red-eyed rain (and over a ‘nothing’ sort of problem). It’s almost a similar experience to having sneezed or shivered – it was suddenly just a bodily response, as opposed to a meaning-filled event, where clearly something is terribly wrong (or else just wrong with me).
So from now on, when it inevitably happens that I do not get enough sleep in life (because we can be real here), and my emotions seem to be on sadness steroids, rather than growing more upset at not being able to ‘manage myself’ and being embarrassed about crying over nothing in front of people I may or may not know too well, I can be at ease. Rather than wanting to cry more over the fact that I am crying, I can just breathe and communicate. I will be, almost instantly, just a girl again, instead of that poor, crying girl.
And that sounds loads better than the alternative. ;P
Waiting?
Paper and pen, opinion please give
Passively live in this post you did gain
Counting it down, tick tock away
Never too sure whether I am sane
In a cloudy daze of sleepy days
And lonesome nights, I ache to fly
Forever do I stay in this stupor of life?
If I stay the same, then surely. Aye.
How crazy a to-do list can I make?
Okay. I’m beginning to notice a sense of unreasonable panic arising within me. Kind of like there’s a long-famished lion on the prowl, with only a window dividing us (even though I live in this little town where there are definitely no lions)… and I somehow know that I’m going to open the window and climb outside. Seeing as how something is clearly drawing me out that window, my question is: Did I make up that the lion was hungry?
A week ago exactly, I started a notebook to create my life as I want it to be (Hannah’s Life Created). Every day, I have written in the notebook. Sometimes I create a new page and category/area of my life. Sometimes I add to already-existing categories/areas. I at first struggled to come up with things to write; I began wondering all throughout the next day, in search of what I might write for that night. After multiple days of doing this, though, I have begun to overflow with ideas and thoughts on the subject of my created life. And it’s beginning to be kind of scary…
Specifically the “Things To Do” list (a list of things I want to do) has started to frighten me. I haven’t quite allowed myself to write down the more crazy ideas yet, but with my recent insight on this particular list, I am starting to write them… and this is where I experience myself fingering that window latch…
Allow me to explain: I have always been afraid of writing a list like this, although I could never put words as to why I wouldn’t ever do it… after thinking it over the past 30-ish hours, I’m beginning to think that I never could write a list of things I wanted to do in life, because I was afraid of two things:
1) What if I don’t accomplish everything I put on the list?
2) What if I actually accomplish everything I put on the list?
On the one hand, I’ve already considered myself a failure, as though this were a grade in school that were somehow actually going to define me as an individual, and qualify my existence. On the other hand, I am terrified of how amazing I would have to be in order to accomplish all, or even half, of those things I would want to put on such a list. That in mind, I totally see how I definitely would have avoided the task.
So, what actually happens if I don’t accomplish everything? Then I don’t accomplish everything. Period. And what if I do accomplish everything I put on the list? Gosh, what a life! Really, though, I can hardly imagine how amazing life would be if I were to accomplish these ridiculous tasks and to-dos building up in my mind right now…
So, dear lion, you may continue your prowl, but get ready; I will be bounding after you to tumble and rumble with excitement and joy soon enough! (Guess we know what I’m adding to my notebook tonight.) ;P But actually… watch out world! If I’m already thinking about playing with lions, one can only imagine what I might put on my list of things to do. Up next for me and my life: How crazy a to-do list can I make?
P.S. I’m going to write another one of these on the matter of the “My Partner” area of my life I am creating. Boy, is that one biting me in the butt with issues arising I never was willing to acknowledge… but that’s another article. For now, I’ve already been at work thirty minutes more than needed for today, and I’ve loads of cardboard to cut apart and tie together for paper pickup on Saturday! Happy life! 😀
Beautiful, even with all the struggles
Today, I am just going to write.
I have been quite frustrated off and on lately… and that has led me to be even more frustrated. 😛 I recently saw my life from the eyes of, I guess, someone else, and discovered that it is the stuff of dreams. I have no reason to complain about my life, or even to be dissatisfied. And yet, here I am, being frustrated and upset, and wanting to complain anyway. What’s with that?
I went on a beach adventure with some new friends recently, and a mini-series of unfortunate events and momentary bad decisions led me to an actual life-threatening experience. No, the two of us did not die (obviously), and we didn’t actually end up in hospital or anything. However, we were rather banged up and bloody, and the slightest difference in our actions could have left us in either or both situations (that is, in the hospital and/or dead).
Nonetheless, I required myself to get something out of the experience, to see something new for myself and my life. What I have found so far, is that there are many places where I am not being true to myself, where I am not being authentic and fully self-expressed in my life. (Not that this was actually news to me, but I am seeing them all now from the eyes of someone out to do something about it.)
Of course, these areas all seem to be directly linked to the points where I want to complain and cry about my life.
Example: I feel uninspired and unfulfilled with work – well, have I actually sat down and created what I truly want to have my work be for long-term, how I want my work to look? Nope. I have done a fabulous job of finding something to escape my complaints with my previous work. Out of the context of ‘This job sucks for me; how could I take a break from working?’, I found myself jetting across the world on another adventure.
The fact that I’m somewhat painfully uninspired by my complete lack of work to do while required to be at work only makes perfect sense – I wanted ‘not work’. I wanted a break from work. And that’s exactly what I got: I’m getting paid to learn a new language and culture, and to share my language with others, however they ask me to share it. Definitely not something I consider to be work. (Though talk about having to let go of being in charge! Wowzer.)
Now, the moment I see this adventure as my long-term job, I hate my job. However, remembering that this is my created chance to figure out what I want to do next about work completely transforms my daily life. With that in mind, I am left with the space actually to create exactly what I want, as well as enjoy each day for what it is, right here and now.
And this isn’t just for work. I am here, as I said months ago, ‘to figure out what I want to do with myself… now, next, and in life as a whole.’ All those areas of my life that seem to be an off-and-on struggle right now, actually are covered by this scope of ‘What do I do with myself?’
So, my new question is: What do I put in place as a means of wondering into my future and creating who, how, and where I want to be, and what I want to be doing? By working on this question in particular, I get to develop ideas and then actions to take, which will disappear my current reasons for complaint.
That being said, I will figure out tonight, before I go to sleep, exactly how I want to do this. Seeing as how I am very good at procrastinating for large things, I believe it will be five to ten minutes each day, where I sit down with a notebook entitled “My Future, Created”, and write. Whatever comes up, I just write about it, and I keep always in mind that I am creating my future here, that my words are turning clouds of evasive thought into concrete ideas, to be then turned into reality by my actions and ways of being.
(Plus, the way things usually go for me, as soon as I begin doing something about it all, things are just handed to me. I recently said, ‘I’m going to try this teaching thing,’ and then began an online course for certification. A week later, without having sought out anything, I had a job offer teaching, with no certification required. This is part of the beauty of how my life works.)
So… life is beautiful. And I happen to be off work in 2 minutes, at which time I shall bolt to my wifi-free apartment; furniture awaits me in boxes, and I am ready to put it all together and finish creating my new living space. (The next step in loving my new daily life, I suppose!) 🙂 No matter what, though, life always will be what I create it to be – it’s completely up to me. 😛 So, I choose to create life as beautiful, even with all of the struggles. 😀
The Stuff of Dreams
Grateful to be Alive
Groping for Avocados?
“This must be what it’s like when guys grope for a girl’s boobs… Say what?!”
Yes, actually my thoughts (causing me to burst out laughing) as I was somewhat sprawled across the avocado display case.
Let me explain. In the grocer this week, seeking final ingredients for our planned dinner menu, I developed a sudden craving for an avocado, seeing them in their little display area. We were in a sort of hurry, so I rushed to the avocados, and quickly felt them up. (I know, right?!)
Until that time, I had not organized an opinion on the experience of searching for a ripe avocado in that ever-underripe pile of the grocer’s fruit. But, as I hurriedly felt through this particular pile, and was stretched out across the avocados, my hands sort of grabbing at everything they could touch, looking for some squish… I suddenly felt a connection to the experience of partner dancing.
“This must be what it’s like when guys grope for a girl’s boobs in dance…” was my sudden thought, followed instantly by, “Say what?!” and a ridiculous giggle.
Perhaps it was because I had spent the previous weekend at a dance event, where late-night dancing leads to accidental (and unfortunately intentional, but that’s another story) boob-grabs and gropes, that I had this thought. Perhaps it was because of my sense of desperation, the way I imagine guys must feel in their desire to land their hands in the ‘right spot’. Perhaps it was something else entirely.
Nonetheless, I had the thought. And I don’t think I’ll ever see the search for ripe avocados in their previous light again (which, I guess, was just as fruit).
So, the next time you see that pile of avocados, smile. Imagine me with you as you test them for ripeness. Imagine me, chuckling beside you, sprawled out across the display, delightedly groping for avocados.
Getting Paid To Sleep
Perquisite number one of being a teacher: Getting paid to do absolutely anything I want (within the law, of course) for two-ish months of the year. This is not to say that teaching is necessarily ‘worth it’ for the summer break; there are a million other factors required for teaching to be ‘worth it’. I simply mean that the top benefit of being a teacher is the summertime pay.
Around 2pm on a Monday (after having gone to bed extremely late), a friend, who has a full-time job, started this bit of conversation:
“Umm what are you up to today?”
“Literally lying on my living room floor right now” [<-my part]
“Oh very nice! I’m working haha”
“I’m working hard to stay awake. That’s almost the same thing”
“Really now? I’m exhausted, you’re killing me!”
And this is just a typical day in the neighborhood. I had already played around on guitar, done some studying up on Japanese history, and accomplished many other things in preparation for my upcoming trip. I made myself some actual breakfast around 2pm (as opposed to the snacks I’d been having all morning), and then went rock-climbing with friends, only to fall asleep on my living room floor afterward in the middle of dinner.
Yesterday, I sat outside with my cat and watched the severe rain- and thunderstorm pound down on the city, thereby canceling all of my hoped-for plans for the day. (I decided to paint at home instead, before going out to a seminar and a midnight dinner with my mom and a friend.)
Today I woke up around 9:30 (exceedingly late for me after my usual 5:20am school year alarm), well-rested and ready to go. I made a fancy healthy smoothie, and then went rock-climbing with a friend (my second time this week and ever). I just helped out a friend over the phone with some grammar questions she had for her job (You, too, can learn about punctuating dates and times in the middle of a sentence! Click here. Haha.), and I’ll go put away my now-dry paintings I did yesterday evening, then head to the pool for a bit. Later, I’ll end up at my mom’s house for dinner and a sewing lesson; I get to make my own skirts tomorrow! (Naturally, I am thrilled, because I cannot seem to find beautiful clothing that actually fits me and was anywhere near fairly-traded.)
This week has been rather organized compared to others. But, the point is: it doesn’t even matter if my day is organized or not, if I am hyper-productive or not – I am paid to update my skills, practice my various hobbies, and sleep as much or as little as I want. No strings attached.
Of course, there are a million drawbacks to being a teacher (the main one at the moment being that, even though I have plenty of time to do whatever I like right now, I can only afford the average, everyday kinds of things, because teachers earn like no money in the first place). However, summer vacation is really just the bomb. Period. And, because of our pay, I don’t even have to feel bad for all those suckers stuck in suits and offices all day long, while I lie in the sun, have some gelato, bike ride, and go wherever my fancy takes me… which is occasionally to right here on my living room floor. I can just enjoy getting paid to sleep (or not). 🙂
hannah ananas 