Tonight, at the gym, I did a workout class that I’ve been wanting to do for a while now. It was painfully hard, that class. And not necessarily because the workout is a difficult one. Yes, the workout was difficult and fast and rather nonstop. But the hardest part of it was how my usual self could have kept up with it.
Right now, I don’t even want to weigh myself, because I know I haven’t been gaining any muscles lately, and I have definitely gained a whole extra layer of fat throughout a good portion of my body. I have been through various weights, for sure, but I typically have a point which I never pass. I am almost certain that I am past that point now. I have never had the peeping of my belly be an issue before, because my belly has always looked nice. Even when it had extra weight to it, it was a nice, smooth, ladylike curve. It suggested a bit of plumpness to it, but still looked healthy. Today, when I raised my arms in a stretch at work, I was saddened by the sight. No longer do I have the cute belly peeping beneath the raised shirt. It isn’t terrible, of course, but cute and feminine are no longer ways to describe it.
So, in this workout class this evening, as I was in a tremendous physical and mental struggle, tears were brimming at one point. I initially thought to fight them off. But then I realized that that was exactly why I was here in the class – because this kind of thing is hard for me right now, and I want to deal with that. So, I let some tears have their say, and I put extra effort into what I was doing. I was lame and slow for a lot of it, I couldn’t even do one of the exercises (going to talk with the teacher about how it’s meant to be done, and see what stretching would help me best to do the exercise), and, by the end, my whole face was flushed and I could barely breathe or move. But I stuck it out. I even stayed for the relaxation yoga class afterward, even though I was exhausted (mentally, physically, and sleep-wise) and ready for bed.
I even talked with one of the girls afterward about my wanting to come more often to the gym, as well as my struggle to do so (being depressed really does suck). Today’s been a sort of up day for me, and I’m hoping to have a similar one tomorrow, so that I might start myself on a habit with going to the gym on days when I’m not already working just down the street from it.
Peace and Love, and Goodnight, folks. 😀