I found myself tonight considering a conversation I had with my cousin several years ago. People were talking about jobs and interviews and moving to work in different countries and kids, and all that jazz. Reviewing it all in my head, as I prepared for bed just now, I wondered about giving things my all. I feel that I never give my all for things. I am certainly not certain of this as a fact – I just mean that I feels as though I never give my all on anything. And I think that is tied in with passion; if I were passionate about something truly, then I would give my all.
But I couldn’t call to mind anywhere that I have given my all. I give a great effort for different things and different times, and oftentimes a much greater effort than someone else has given or would give. However, is it ever my best effort? I think not.
Thinking about this, then, I began to wonder about where my passion lies, such that, when presented with it, I would give the situation my best effort, give it my all.
And then I remembered the conversation.
‘I want to make a difference for people in life. I want to help people.
‘Why do you want to do that?’
I am halted. I consider deeply. Eventually, I have a response. ‘I think it is because I feel valued, needed, when I help others. And that makes me feel like I am worth it in life.’ If I am needed, then I am necessary and worth having around.
I’m not sure if I want to be upset by this or not. (Obviously, I want to be content, not upset. However, this is calling for some deep consideration, which I do respect.) Does this still drive me in life? It was years ago, and I consciously took action to free myself of the mentality, and then forgot about it until now. It just lived as a picture on the wall of a room through which I pass so often, that I’ve forgotten what decorations are even in it. And now, someone has asked me what I think of this picture on the wall….
I don’t know.