What Hannah Found

I began reading last night a book that I had loved as a young girl… and I have found many similarities between myself and the main character…

Have I developed myself based on this character, though most of the details had long been forgotten, or did I originally like the book because I already related so much to the main character?

It kind of feels like I’m asking myself the deepest of psychological questions…

But it also feels like I’m asking myself a ‘chicken or the egg’ kind of question…

Post-a-day 2018

Life goals(?)

I found myself tonight considering a conversation I had with my cousin several years ago.  People were talking about jobs and interviews and moving to work in different countries and kids, and all that jazz.  Reviewing it all in my head, as I prepared for bed just now, I wondered about giving things my all.  I feel that I never give my all for things.  I am certainly not certain of this as a fact – I just mean that I feels as though I never give my all on anything.  And I think that is tied in with passion; if I were passionate about something truly, then I would give my all.

But I couldn’t call to mind anywhere that I have given my all.  I give a great effort for different things and different times, and oftentimes a much greater effort than someone else has given or would give.  However, is it ever my best effort?  I think not.

Thinking about this, then, I began to wonder about where my passion lies, such that, when presented with it, I would give the situation my best effort, give it my all.

And then I remembered the conversation.

‘I want to make a difference for people in life.  I want to help people.

‘Why do you want to do that?’

I am halted.  I consider deeply.  Eventually, I have a response.  ‘I think it is because I feel valued, needed, when I help others.  And that makes me feel like I am worth it in life.’  If I am needed, then I am necessary and worth having around.

I’m not sure if I want to be upset by this or not.  (Obviously, I want to be content, not upset.  However, this is calling for some deep consideration, which I do respect.)  Does this still drive me in life?  It was years ago, and I consciously took action to free myself of the mentality, and then forgot about it until now.  It just lived as a picture on the wall of a room through which I pass so often, that I’ve forgotten what decorations are even in it.  And now, someone has asked me what I think of this picture on the wall….

I don’t know.

Post-a-day 2017

Freedom’s Indecision

The trouble with having freedom in my future is that freedom can sometimes means too many options to focus.  Right now, I know what I am doing for the next six weeks.  After that, I’m really not sure.  My current job will be finished, and so my life is open to options from there on out.  What will I do next?  I have total freedom (within the bounds of financial abilities, of course).  And with that freedom comes an uncountable number of possibilities for what I could end up doing.

It feels like I have a new path I am considering pursuing almost every day.  One almost could ask me, “What’s today’s fancy, Hannah?”  And I’d have a different answer almost every day.  A week ago, I wasn’t too sure about my cat, and I found myself wondering that I rather preferred his living with a family with other cats, and who wants him.  This weekend, I have felt as though all I want is to move into my own apartment and to live with my cat again.  (Despite the fact that I said several times this past year that I probably never want to live alone again.)

Talking with my stepbrother tonight, I find myself really wanting to pursue coaching and teaching.  It has me wonder if I don’t just get excited about other people’s dreams and their passions, and I long to have the dream, the desire, the passion that they have about something, as opposed to the actual something.  Do I want to coach and teach, or do I simply want the clear desire and love that my stepbrother showed for the two activities tonight?  To be fair, I really did love coaching lacrosse (assistant coaching, anyway), so I’m not looking at something in which I have no background or foundation here.  Nonetheless, it is still something into which I am looking regarding my future and my means of making money.

Anyway, … that’s what I have for tonight…

 

Post-a-day 2017

Declare your wish with gratitude

I think it is incredibly valuable to declare what we want to have be part of our own lives.  In doing so, I feel that we truly do allow space and guidance for those things to manifest themselves.  I wrote on Facebook that I wanted a baritone to serenade me, and a distant friend sent me a sort of birthday present singing video.  He’s a baritone.  I declared over and over again one day that I really wanted a certain card, and found one forever left behind in the bathroom the afternoon I was leaving.

Of course, these aren’t very good examples so far as I see it all.  However, they are decent ones, and they are all that currently comes to mind as specific recent events.  Declare it to the world, and it will come to you, in some way or another.  So, when you do declare it, be prepared.  🙂
Post-a-day 2017