It is difficult for me to go to bed early at night, even if I am exhausted. I drag on the process of getting ready for bed – one which already usually takes 30 minutes to an hour – , adding in tasks that, while useful to have accomplished, are by no means necessary to accomplish that night. Tonight, for example, I took the time to trim all of my nails, to roll my feet twice (or was it three times?) on the massage roller, to turn on and refill my little water fountain, and even to open up my laptop to write, instead of just doing something quick and short on my phone… all things that were not necessary tonight, but that I did along the way anyway, and naturally. As I did these – rather, as I noticed that I was doing these extra steps that were making my sleep more distant than originally perceived – , I began to wonder. And I came up with a theory.
I think it is difficult for me to go to bed, and especially to go to bed early, because I feel that there is so much to do in life, and that I am not taking advantage of my opportunities if I merely go to bed. Sure, I could do them in the morning, as you might say, and going to bed early would allow me to get up early to accomplish things. But what guarantee have we of there being a morning for us each day? Yes, it is highly likely in all forms of statistics, but it is not a guarantee. My life is right now, and who is to say that I ever will get to these things tomorrow (or any other day, for that matter), after I’ve slept and forgotten everything I’d considered tonight? The only part where I have control is the part where I can do something now. I am young and vibrant and here right now, so now is the time (and potentially could be the only time).
And as much as it seems absurd, I think that I genuinely feel that way about it all. That’s why I go to sleep so late on an incredibly regular basis. I began readying myself for bed tonight around 20h30 (that’s 8:30pm for those who don’t do the 24-hour thing… in French). It is not after 10pm, and I still have to do my reading, which will take another fifteen-is minutes after I finish writing this. At night, I feel as though anything is possible. Nothing is waiting for me or expecting anything from me, and I am free to do as I will. Tomorrow, there will be expectations of various sorts from various people for me. But tonight, after the day’s and evening’s events are finished and the expectations met (or at least let go after failure), I am free… and what better time to do the things I’ve been wanting to do than when I am free and available and able?
Plus, I know that, if tomorrow comes, I’ll see the sunlight… I can only see the stars at night, and I can only stop to enjoy them when I have finished with the day’s requirements of me.
Anyway, those are some of my thoughts on that for tonight… goodnight! 🙂