Self-worth can hurt

Sometimes, we just have to re-evaluate situations that have always gone a certain way, and consider if they, when going that particular way, are consistent with who we are and with valuing ourselves.

Whenever family comes into town, I spend those days at my mom’s house, and I clear my schedule for those days – I am, therefore, nearby and always available and flexible for whatever activities everyone else plans.

I might plan a something or three myself with some of that family, but that is always extremely flexible, and I regularly move it around to accommodate other plans made by others as needed.

Today, I had a sudden discovery that I accept this situation, because I don’t want to be alone…, and I assume that no one will reach out to me to spend time with me, if I’m not nearby and readily available…., because I’m not worth it / valuable enough for them to think of reaching out to me, let alone coming across town to see me – I must go to them if I want to see them, because it doesn’t work the other way around.

That’s how I’ve seen it for years, anyway… (Whether it’s actually true or not is yet to be discovered, but it has been very real for me for quite some time.)

It hurts my heart for this little girl who feels this way…, undesired by her own family whom she loves, praises, and adores…, and then I recall that this little girl is not some third party, and I just want to shower myself with love that I somehow cannot see already, as I feel the hurt inside of feeling unwanted, and only passively loved.

(That’s not meaning that anyone wants me not around, but that nobody wants me around specifically.)

And so it kind of sucks all around right now…, but I also see that this new perspective can be of extreme value – I can begin now to set up standards and situations and expectations that support me, instead of ones that feed negatively into my life, decreasing my sense of self-worth via an excuse of, ‘Well, that’s where everyone else is,’ and ignoring the second half of the idea, where ‘and I’m not worth anyone’s reaching out or coming so far to spend time with me,’ is waiting secretly, sneakily…

So, this new discovery is still a bit difficult to stomach slash not bawl over over and over again, and I’m still glad I’ve made it – it is terrifying to face, and yet I find it to be about time for me to deal with this whole deal in all aspects of my life…

I am worth it…, and it is high time to have my actions support that, instead of the contrary.

Post-a-day 2018

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