dating – Page 8 – hannah ananas

Dating Mr. Perfect, or Being Perfect?

Today, I met someone who has lived so far what I consider to be an awesome life – one which I quite envy. While the specific locations were different than my own desired locations, the situations all beautifully aligned with a growing-up that I at least want for my own children, since I didn’t have it for myself.

In an odd way, I was grateful to find that this person had a girlfriend, and so was unavailable for consideration. Why is that, exactly? Well, a good chunk is the usual part of just wanting to be friends with an awesome person, without the hassle of dating potential getting in the way at any point, as is usual when meeting awesome guys. (for me, anyway) However, upon further inquiry, I discovered within myself something surprising. I wouldn’t want to date him, because he is so awesome.

See, as I was thinking about all of these things he has done and all of the accomplishments he has (and how there are likely plenty more of which I have currently heard nothing), I noticed that, if he were available, I wouldn’t actually want to date him. With all of his awesome background and talents and such, I would feel so below him in a daring situation, so to speak. As friends, I’m okay with his awesomeness. But not in dating.

What’s with that, huh?

I have begun to see that, perhaps – just perhaps – I not only do not want to date someone superior to me, but I want to date someone to whom I feel superior. If I were to date someone who had done all the awesome things I have done in my life, it would take away a huge portion of my pride from my uniqueness of experiences and talents. Does that mean, then, that I am actually looking for someone to whom I look down, despite my conviction that I want to be able to respect my partner in a somewhat-looking-up-to sort of way?

This then leads me to a question of whether this 1) is something I actually want for my future partner, and 2) is playing a role in my having been unable to find someone.

I feel almost as if a whole section of my perspective and being has just been shattered, and sh**’s about to get real, you know? It is time for some true and genuine reflection on an area of myself I never even understood to exist. Yockers, this’ll be interesting, for sure!
Post-a-day 2017

And Unexpected Story From… Somewhere

Tonight, for whatever reason (aside from the part where one thought links loosely to the next, those tiny threads of ideas drawing you quickly along the ever-unexpected path with them, until you eventually find yourself miles from the original thought, wondering how on Earth you got there), I was reminded of something I wrote a while back. As I mentioned to my friend when I sent it to her, it is rather messy, and it just kind of came out of me. One day, the words were just in my head, as though urging me to write them down, and so I did really quickly… It was almost like an ‘I have to do it now’ experience.

I have various theories as to how the story came to me, as well as to why my mind wanted me to write it down on paper (yes, the original is with paper and pen, not computer), but I find them unnecessary to include here, as none of them was present when I actually had the story pouring out of me that odd morning (odd, due to this near-overwhelming necessity to write this story, which had never quite happened to me in such a way until that day).

Anyway, it is sad – dreadfully sad to me, anyway – and it is terrible, and it is a miniature story that asked me to write it down, and somehow got back into my head tonight to get me to share it with the world (well, whatever portion of it will cross this weblog posting, at least). Enjoy… or whatever… you know…

“No,” declared Jessica, exasperated, “I’m not going to call him.”

Yet, even as she spoke, she knew deep down that she would be with him again. So she wouldn’t call him…, but she’d said nothing about texting. Or his calling her.

Soon enough, perhaps in a matter of hours, she’d be with him again. And then, in a matter of minutes, she’d be lying there alone, feeling gross, almost wanting to hurl. Or else hurl something… he wouldn’t hold her, no matter how she wished it. He never did… But, for a few moments, she would feel the pressure of him resting on her chest, and it almost would feel as though it were intentional, as though there were someone – right here and now – who wanted to be with her, who cared for her, who loved her.

Though she knew it wasn’t so.

“This is so messed up,” she would say to him… And she would mean it.

And yet she couldn’t stop herself.

He was in need, and she could help. Besides, she had been curious in the first place. Now she knew. Perhaps that was a good thing. If nothing else. And an icy feeling told her there was nothing else good about it all.

Jessica wouldn’t see how he only appeared to be in need – she was too trusting of him and his word; she had looked up to him for too long to question what he expressed to her. And so, in her time of extreme need for love, she would leave the love of her friends to go to him, and be robbed of what little she still had, knowingly sacrificing her own happiness and love to help, to serve, to please another.

Post-a-day 2017

Women’s Gym Buzz

Something that I noticed today, was how our mutual love of human connection, and the pursuit of it, help build connections and relationships among one another. Allow me to explain with the circumstances of today’s noticing. Be forewarned, that this might just be a female thing… and it might not be…, but I’m going to write about it from the female perspective and such.

At the gym this evening, one of the ladies was asking politely about me, various this-and-thats. However, the moment one of her questions led to my explanation of a boy I’ve somewhat recently met, the polite, casual interest of the surrounding ladies/girls turned electric – anyone could have felt the excitement and intrigue, as eyes, ears, and smiles all focused on me and my wacky story (yes, it is actually wacky, I promise).

In those few sentences, polite acquaintance took a sharp turn toward a friendship sort of connectedness. These women/girls became invested in my life and the outcome of my story. They can hardly wait to hear what happens next, they even checked schedules for when they next would see me, so they could plot out what all could happen between tonight and then, already in preparation for more of my story.

And the best part is that we all know the story might go nowhere. However, we so care about intimate human connection, that we want everyone to have it, and we can enjoy others’ pursuit and acquisition of it. (Yes, perhaps there are a handful of people who are so angry and sad and lonely without human connection, that they wish no one else to have it. However, in everyday circumstances, we are nearly as excited for a friend finding a boyfriend (and half the time for anyone, really – have you never rooted for that guy or girl in a film?), as we would be for ourselves.) These ladies/girls are so incredibly excited for my potential situation, that they can hardly stand it – one even did a sort of little dance, and they all were cracking up laughing, with joy and excitement at my whole situation (as I explained it in broken Japanese (though, to my delight, successfully!)).

Anyway, I just wanted to share how beautiful I find that whole event from this evening. We went from a group of ladies/girls who happen to be at the same gym, to a group of people tied together by the common bond of love. As human beings we have bio-philia – we love living beings, and especially other humans. And it’s so fun getting to share that love with others (thereby satisfying part of that bio-philia by bringing us closer with those others around us) as we pursue another form of love and connection in our lives.

Gosh, it would be really fun if this whole story of mine turned out totally fabulous – what a tale to tell, it would be! ;P

I'm part of Post A Day 2016