Do you ever find yourself, while in the middle of doing something valuable, feeling like you’re doing nothing to make the world a better place? Like you just need to go do something… as though you aren’t already on the middle of doing one of those somethings?
I’ve been sitting at school, grading papers, spending time around students, prepping for my classes that are later today… and I keep feeling so utterly antsy, like I can hardly wait to be done with this all.
And it’s weird for me.
I love to teach. And I love learning. I’m getting to do both of those things right now. So, what’s buggin’?
And I don’t know the answer to that. I am finally growing comfortable – rather, have grown comfortable – with this position, and I’m ready to move on. How come? Am I not making enough of a difference here? Am I bored by it? Am I constantly comparing it to something better that I’ve done, and seeing it fall short again and again? Am I starting to resent it and myself, because it isn’t enough, isn’t good enough on some level or other?
Am I upset, because it just keeps feeling like a constant reminder of how I have failed elsewhere, that I am in a temporary position that, though it makes a huge difference for the school and students, is merely a reminder of the fact that I don’t have my own teaching position… that I am only filling in for someone else for a short while? And so I can find endless issues with the position and the school… thereby making it fee even worse that this was all I could get…
Yeah… it’s looking a lot like that is the reason.
I’m just going to sit with that for right now, and see later what is calling me most in terms of what to do about it.
Until then, May we all experience the blessings all throughout and within our day today. Amen.