Author: hannah.ananas

Still here

Still here, being angry..

I’ve shared with a handful of co-workers at this point, and that ha scariest helped immensely. I’m still craggy and pissed off at regular life at school each day, but it helps, nonetheless.

I’ve started actually typing out a list of all the crap with which I have been dealing with my job this year, all the unfairness. I’ve reached out for contributions from my mom and husband, as well was a co-worker who has been there to hear it all and help me through a lot of it throughout the year so far. I think I’ll ask another coworker for his input, too, tomorrow. Then, once I’ve gathered all the points, I’ll put them in order and in a letter, and send a printed and a digital copy to the principal early next week, I guess. If I am granted the requested meeting with him sooner than that, then I will have it ready to hand him in that meeting. Whatever the case, my points will be communicated and documented, and I can move forward complete on it all, having been in clear communication.

Anyway, though I’m really relieved about that, I’m still utterly exhausted. All this emotion and all this lack of sleep has been especially tough this week.

And I really miss the dog. I miss the future we were living into, becoming a family of four. Now, we are a hopeful but woeful family of two. My husband is my dreams come true, of course. But the rest of this has been sacrificial suffering, without our understanding the ultimate goal of the suffering, which has made it al the harder.

Nonetheless, I am exhausted, and so I am going to sleep now. Getting closer and closer to being in bed when I truly want to be these days(!). So, yay for that(!). 9:30 lights out tonight.

Thank you, God, for the home and bed and husband. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Inadequacy

I have never felt so inadequate.

And that’s saying something.

And I felt that before considering that I also don’t know how truly to comfort my husband and myself regarding our dog that has just died.

This sucks.

God, bring beauty from all this pain, please. Through you, always, Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Monday, non-mundane

The total solar eclipse was awesome. Very bizarre.

I am grateful we got to be with family and enjoy it.

I am crushed by the fact that we have come home to no dog, however. It just hurts so much…

God, help us to heal, please. Thank you for the awesome experience of this eclipse, and so close to Easter, when we have just celebrated in gratitude of the redemptive act of Jesus Christ, which also seems to have happened during a total solar eclipse. Thank you for the bizarre mirroring we experienced with this one. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Onward, it seems

The dog has died, so we have come to Waco for the total solar eclipse.

It has been completely weird all afternoon/evening/night so far. But we are rolling with it.

Hopefully, the weather will be awesome for the eclipse here this time. I am especially grateful that the company will be.

Thank you for the blessings of today. Help us to heal fully, and through you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

:/

Our dog is still dying. My husband thinks she’ll be stubborn and hold on as long as possible. I’m hoping and praying that she’ll let go in her sleep… and tonight would be great for that, because she is just so clearly falling apart and struggling at this point. The vet said she has numbers “off the chart” for her kidneys, which means big time kidney failure, which means her body is, basically, filling with toxins and, I guess, killing her from the inside…? Whatever the case, it sounds dreadful and she is a sad sight to behold whenever she tries to go anywhere.

She did wander around both the back and front yards today, though, and for a good chunk of the day. All willingly.

But she also just kind of toppled over several times, and she looked like she was about to topple over almost the entire time.

She clearly loves my husband very much, and shows it still. She likes me, too, but nowhere near the same as she likes him.

We both love her, and this is hard for us, seeing how hard it is for her.

God, help her to find ease and comfort, please. Release her of this burden and grant her your peace, please, and by your hand. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Trial by fires

Our dog is dying.

On top of all the rest, yes, I know – it is a lot.

There is so much struggle for us right now… it feels like things are burning down around us… like God is giving us a trial by fire in life.

What beauty might come from these soon-to-be ashes…?

God, remain with us and guide us clearly and kindly, please. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Interesting stress

Today, I can tell I was actually massively stressed, because I didn’t eat much of anything after breakfast. However, despite being furious at lunchtime as the college counselors discussed how absurdly wealthy the school is and how much money they are able just to hand out to departments for events etc. that weren’t already in the departments’ budgets (because, recall that I am paid by the day, and my total salary will be 53% of what I would have been paid this year if they had officially hired me), I actually had a good day. I enjoyed my time with students in classes today, even the class that is normally a huge hassle – granted, a third of them were gone, including two of the girls who cause big annoyances in class, but there were still some troublemakers and annoyances today, and they just rolled with it all so much better today, it seemed. I worked out and listened to a new audiobook that is totally not my style, but I am rolling with it and it seems to be interesting and okay enough (I don’t do scary stuff, and this one is borderline scary fantasy.). And, instead of grading, because I knew I needed to do something healing for myself, while I waited after school for the parent-teacher conferences this evening – also, super grateful to the parent who rescheduled her 8:00pm appointment to 3:45pm with me, so I could go home after my 6:30pm appointment; yippee! – I moved a shelf in the classroom in order to help with overall flow and ease in the room, and then, upon discovering a few sets of French Scrabble inside it, I organized out all of the tiles.

The boxes were different weights, you see, but were all matching boxes. So, I knew something was off. Though I had all that grading waiting for me, I just could tell doing the Scrabble organizing was better for me right now. Before I had even thought it through fully, my subconscious was already taking action with my body, and sitting down to the boxes.

I started by counting how many tiles each had, just to compare. One had roughly 98, another 135, and a third 110. Across the four boxes, none had the right number of tiles it should have had. So, I got to work.

I looked up online – since it wasn’t anywhere in the instructions etc. – how many tiles total and how many of each specific tile was supposed to be in a single box. It’s 102, in case you were wondering. A hundred letters and two blanks.

I went in order (long way the first time, but the shorter way for the other three boxes): tiles of 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9, and 15.

And then I also matched tile shades for each box…

Because, you know… it just looks nicer. And they were supposed to be together that way in the first place – it was how they were made!

At least, that’s how my brain sees it. 😛

Don’t those dark ones look great together like that??? To me they do. Way better than the original odd mixture. 🙂 😛

In the end, it was exactly what I had needed. As silly An activity as it was, it was so soothing for me, and it gave me such a sense of accomplishment, I went home at seven o’clock after my meetings, and I was both in a good mood and something energetic. And both of those have been rare for me the past week+. So, that was really cool.

Thank you, God, for the positive meetings tonight, the early finish, the clean house to which to return, and the soothing, healing time organizing things. Thank you. Amen.

P.S. I also went home with free Oreos and icing. I don’t like chocolate, but I somehow love Oreos, so that was a delightful score. 😀

P.P.S. My husband didn’t mind either. 😛

Post-a-day 2024

The struggle

Sometimes, I just don’t want to do it anymore… it just feels so hard.

In a pit of the impossible, miserable and feeling like hope is worthless…

And part of me knows that all will be well.

Yet the everything of right now just makes it feel not worth it.

I guess this is the point they’ve been discussing all of Lent on Hallow, when we must just let go and let God take over for us. When we have hit our own limits and we can only proceed by acknowledging that we cannot do it ourselves, that we need God’s help.

A part of me doesn’t want it to get better, but I don’t know why. Perhaps because I know it will take such effort to get better. Perhaps because I don’t want to have to get over the pain. Perhaps because I want to be right that this is horrible behind fairness. Perhaps because, if this were better, I then would have to deal with all the other junk out there right now… and the idea of facing any of that after facing this is just…. even worse than sitting here in the crap mental space that currently surrounds me…

Oh, God… help me to want to heal fully and truly, and then to heal. Help me to forgive you. Help me to let go of the responsibility and guilt of this all. Please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024