confidence – Page 2 – hannah ananas

Creating my space

Today’s first step was to create this vision. It was rather easy to create, really. And I can see it all quite clearly. I am really struggling with what will come next, though, and I don’t know why I’m bothering resisting it. I think the feeling is that it will be difficult to do, and that I will mess it all up somehow. I guess I could just bracket the concerns, and go into it full-heartedly and consciously, with intention. Otherwise, I’ll just keep resisting and getting nothing useful, happy, or good accomplished at all. 😛

I wake in the morning happy, have some tea or hot chocolate, and do some yoga, stretching, and meditation. I dress easily in clothes selected last night. As I check my reflection in the mirror, I am delighted in what I see all around. On the days I want it, I sit down at a large mirror and put on some makeup. Otherwise, I just brush my hair.

I have a work space with a sewing machine, and clothes rack behind it with my current and most recent work hanging. There is an asel in the corner with beautiful and happy painting supplies. An art box is near it, filled with the art supplies I use, and a small arrangement of blank canvases. There is lots of white in the rooms, but a warmth from different home-y pieces around… mostly shades of blue and wood-brown. I have a place to set my laptop on a desk (after pulling it out from a shelf or drawer, where it was put away) to work using it, with a notebook next to it for thoughts and notes. My woven stool sits in the corner for sitting, reading, meditating, with my sheepskin partly atop it. There is a large rug or two on the floor, with a few feather throw pillows around casually. I make bracelets and malas on the floor, and always pick up everything when I finish a session. I have a creative collage happening on one wall – a dream board. I see it and admire it every day, and add to it occasionally, as I find new pieces I want to have be part of it. My work room is a haven of peace, giddy delight, and the creativity of God and Woman.

Sometimes, I sit with tea while music plays on the record player. I do my art – sewing, painting, or making my stone bead art (bracelets and malas, mostly) – and usually have music playing, often on the record player. It sits to the side, with a small set of albums by it.

My bedroom is calm and cozy and inviting. It is very clean-feeling. I spend my time here mostly only after I have recently showered. My essential oils and incense are set up in here. When I get ready for bed, I have a set place to put my dirty clothes, and it is small – just large enough for a load or two of washing, and always slightly empty. I select between two or three beloved shampoos and conditioners when I shower, and I wrap myself in towels that I love when I finish. It is easy to pull out my floss, toothbrush, toothpaste and return them to their easy places. The same with the rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. Sometimes I have another tea after my shower and before brushing my teeth. I brush my hair and meditate, before doing my bedtime reading, all in the light of fairy lights and maybe a standing lamp in the corner with similar light. I pull out my clothes for the next day after I check the expected weather. I fall asleep happily.

In all of this, I did not see my own clothing. It is all put away, except for the outfit I have selected for the day, which is laying out, waiting for me. I have a small section of “Memory Materials” in, I think, my room, for my future partner and/or child/ren to peruse with and without me.

I read, but I didn’t notice any books in the vision I created. (Just about four of them.) I also noticed no movies…

I had to talk with my brother about the book part. He thinks I’ve hit upon something profound about the way I want to live and the relationship I have with books. I have them all documented as “Read” and “Want to read” on GoodReads, anyway, so why do I need to keep a physical record? I’m not 100% convinced that I’d be happy down the road if I didn’t keep a handful of my sought-out books from my youth, but I do believe that I am fine letting even more go than I had ever anticipated… I mean, I already went through them briefly today, just to see how I felt when I looked at them from this new perspective, and pulled out about a sixth of the books… with ease and comfort. So, yeah… This will be an adventure. I am certain of it.

Post-a-day 2018

Sexy, not Sex

I think that I am afraid of being sexy, due to the risk of falling under the description of “sexual”. I believe that there is a time and a place for sexy, and that it is an appropriate way to present oneself in the world… just not myself. Or do I believe it acceptable? …Yes, I do. Sexy, not sexual, is entirely acceptable in my book, given the appropriate time and place. As a teacher at school, no. As someone at a dinner event, yes. Being “hot” is not off limits to me, and yet I believe there is something deep inside of me that is terrified of it. Of being it, I mean.

Perhaps I merely fear that it would be interpreted as a call for sexual intercourse, therefore not only labelling me as “slutty”, but also attracting unwanted advances by men toward that unintended message. I want to be sexy, because I can be sexy, not because I want sex. I want to have the body, because I can have the body, and I find the body entrancingly beautiful. I don’t want it for some man, but for myself and for myself alone. However, I do not want to have to hide it, to keep it only to myself and to avoid allowing others to notice. I want to be able to go into public with it, because it is part of who I am, and I need not be ashamed of it. Just as I have gone into public in my pajamas or with a towel in my hair, I want to be able to go out dressed in “sexy”: comfortably.

Yet where is that distinction between sexy and sexual for me? i would say that it is intention, but I do not feel safe in such a distinction. I do not want to have sex with the people around me, and I do not want them to attempt to or want to have sex with me. But I am still terrified that I will come across that way. Really, though, I must be kidding myself a bit here – I fear this regularly, not just when I dress up or want to dress up. I have this fear present simply in the way I walk or the clothes I wear daily. I envy the way some women dress, and cannot consider my actually wearing the same outfit… even though it is beautiful on them, and likely would be on me, too. Why? Because of this inner terror of coming across as sexual and desiring something specific (i.e. sex) from those around me.

What’s with me? Is this really all just tied to one incident of things been utterly misunderstood about me? I’d like to think that the one incident doesn’t have such power, if any, over me still today. I’m not so sure, though. I will consider this actively over the coming days and weeks…

Post-a-day 2017

As though in response to this post from last night, the world presented me with this article tonight, from a pile of my old papers through which I was sorting.

Glee

Can I just have GLEE for my life? I mean it. Real life Glee Club.

Get together with friends, say once a week, and each prepare a little song to perform for the group. We can do themes, and even mashups, and maybe even just copy themes from the show at times (the ones we like, anyway).

I can only see this as a beautiful idea – it will help boost our confidence in performing in front of others (as well as being vulnerable in front of them), improve our musical skills, keep our creativity working in various ways (song selection, how specifically to perform the song in terms of instrumentation and speed and key, how to express ourselves through it, music (duh), etc.), bring more music into our lives, get a taste of music that our close friends like, get to know one another better, build beautiful bonds of trust between one another, and just plain bring joy to us all via music and welcoming camaraderie. It’s fabulous. And it’s totally terrifying. But I still want to do it! Yes, I do.

…I was thinking that I only wanted to start it once back home, when with friends with whom it is easy to communicate (my ideas in general, as well as just speaking the same language fluently), but I am now thinking that this might be something worth attempting here. Even if it is only with one friend (I have one in particular in mind for it), I think it would be a good step for me, both on the I want to go home level and the musical creativity and confidence level. : )

I’m not decided yet, but I think I want to do it with her. I know for sure that I am creating this club once back in the US. However, I’m leaning towards trying it out here first… Maybe I’ll be able to work out some kinks over these next six months, making it all the better in the Fall. 😀

Post-a-day 2017

Beautiful Bodies

The beauty of the human body never ceases to amaze me. The soft, homey curves, combined with the strict, angled, edged lines… I am regularly in awe at the beauty of it all.

My mother was in a drawing class at the community college a decade or so ago, and they did sketching of live models. I remember being in love with the charcoal-style outlines of these nude individuals. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to be so talented as my mother, and be able to draw these beautiful bodies, or if I wanted to be so confident and free as the lady who easily sat for 45 minutes in a room full of people (and remember that these people were practically investigating her body from all angles), wearing nothing. Truly, I think I wanted to be both.

And I still do.

In college, I almost got the nerve to ask about modeling for the art classes we had on campus. I even asked someone about it, and found out that those who modeled were even paid. For whatever reason, though, I never pursued it. I think I might have been quaking with fright on the insides, merely at the consideration of speaking to the art professor about my potential desire to model.

Now, all I do is think every so often how I want to be in an art class, so that I eventually can make such beautiful art as my mother used to make, and then share it with the world…. and also gaze at it myself. As of right now, I have several other things that come up more often as things I want to pursue, so I think I actually will pursue those… however, on second thought (more like thousandth thought), I’ll make another go at finding one of these drawing classes (I recently asked around about it, and it got me nowhere, so I was a bit disheartened after that. I think I’m about ready to do some new asking of new people who might be able to help, though.)

Well, that was productive. I’ll be sure to share about my art exhibit, whenever it happens down the road! Hehe 😀

I'm part of Post A Day 2016