Dreams, then reality

As I’ve said before, dreams tend to take care of us – they find where we are emotionally unsettled from the day (or from even longer), and they aim to resolve those points for us while we sleep.  We go to bed with suppressed angst, we have a torrid dream of seemingly disconnected and/or nonsensical events, throwing us through emotion after emotion, and then we wake up slightly shocked yet – whether we notice it or not – no longer quite so full of the angst of yesterday.  It’s like how we are always told that we’ll feel better in the morning, or after a good night’s rest – our brain helps to heal us as we sleep, and dreams are the part of the healing that we, somewhat, are able to witness.

Last night, I had a long series of one of those dreams, and it was surprising how it was put together.  However, it made perfect sense, after I considered it all for a little while today.  I am physically attracted to this type of guy, but I am emotionally, psychologically, and mentally attracted to a very different type of guy.  It is not the tall, dark, and handsome that keep my attention – they only grab it initially.  It is the gloriously intelligent, slightly dorky guy, the one who can’t help but be true to his inner nerdiness, and share it with the world freely, and free from shame.  It is the guy who is comfortable in himself and is unapologetically smart and silly, who keeps my attention.  (Well, as long as he has good teeth, that is – I can’t stand bad teeth… just saying…)

And so, despite the gloriously handsome guys who could have shown up for the delightfully silly series of events that were an absurd version of dating and loving someone truly, my brain gave me the nerdy genius of the bunch… and I loved it.  As I mentioned, I was surprised when I woke up, and I processed the fact that I had just had a mental dating relationship with the least physically attractive guy on my mind.  However, it did not take me long after asking the question, “Why was he the one?” that I knew exactly why.  My body is attracted to the other guys loads more, and my mind a good amount, but my mind is absurdly attractive to him, when compared to the others… they can’t even begin to compare, really, because they aren’t even on the same plane.

So, yeah, it was a lovely set of dreams… and it really helped me deal mentally with some unsettled stress…, but the dream itself lacked an ending – it just kind of fizzled out, as dreams often do, leaving me wanting not more of the dream but the real thing, life itself. Now, I want more than ever to meet my own nerdy love of my life.  And I have no idea what to do about that.

Well, I actually do, in a way… As I have begun, I must continue to pursue this living space beautification process.  I see the next steps in it all, and I think it is more important than ever that I take them, so that I can actually achieve this dream of mine with my living space.  By pursuing something that is so important and also so difficult for me (yet entirely true to who I am to pursue and achieve), I am making mental and physical space for this person to arrive.  I am also setting myself up for the life I want to lead, and for being who and how I want to be in more ways than ever… that, in and of itself, is a bold and powerful step, I believe, in not only inviting but allowing that person to enter into my life, my daily life.

So, now that I’ve had the lovely dream last night, I want to do what it takes to create the real thing for me, to turn the ideas of that dream into my reality.  (Obviously, I don’t want the specifics of the dream, people included, [myself aside, that it], but I want the ideas and emotions presented and managed within it to become part of my life.)  Basically, I was inspired by my nighttime dreams to create something spectacular and unexpected in my reality.  Thank you, dreams.  Thank you, brain.  Blowing my mind here, and I am grateful… just help me to take the next steps, would you, please?  😀

On that note, time to go to sleep, Banana.  😉

Post-a-day 2020

Space vs Person

Have you ever been attracted to the space of someone, yet found absolutely zero physical attraction to the person, and also no real attraction to all too many details of the person and his/her life?

It is one where you feel that, if you were to close your eyes, you could be content, even delighted, being with this person…

Because, just listening to his/her voice, you feel somehow entirely at ease and filled with… well, something satisfying, comforting, and just a tad exciting…

But, you know that, as soon as you open your eyes, that feeling will be gone…

And so, you enjoy the idea with a secret smile, and just move on in life, without the person as your partner…

Do you know that one?

Yeah… it’s a weird one, I dare say…, but I have definitely been there.

Post-a-day 2020

Creating my space

Today’s first step was to create this vision.  It was rather easy to create, really.  And I can see it all quite clearly.  I am really struggling with what will come next, though, and I don’t know why I’m bothering resisting it.  I think the feeling is that it will be difficult to do, and that I will mess it all up somehow.  I guess I could just bracket the concerns, and go into it full-heartedly and consciously, with intention.  Otherwise, I’ll just keep resisting and getting nothing useful, happy, or good accomplished at all.  😛


I wake in the morning happy, have some tea or hot chocolate, and do some yoga, stretching, and meditation.  I dress easily in clothes selected last night.  As I check my reflection in the mirror, I am delighted in what I see all around.  On the days I want it, I sit down at a large mirror and put on some makeup.  Otherwise, I just brush my hair.

I have a work space with a sewing machine, and clothes rack behind it with my current and most recent work hanging.  There is an asel in the corner with beautiful and happy painting supplies.  An art box is near it, filled with the art supplies I use, and a small arrangement of blank canvases.  There is lots of white in the rooms, but a warmth from different home-y pieces around… mostly shades of blue and wood-brown.  I have a place to set my laptop on a desk (after pulling it out from a shelf or drawer, where it was put away) to work using it, with a notebook next to it for thoughts and notes.  My woven stool sits in the corner for sitting, reading, meditating, with my sheepskin partly atop it.  There is a large rug or two on the floor, with a few feather throw pillows around casually.  I make bracelets and malas on the floor, and always pick up everything when I finish a session.  I have a creative collage happening on one wall – a dream board.  I see it and admire it every day, and add to it occasionally, as I find new pieces I want to have be part of it.  My work room is a haven of peace, giddy delight, and the creativity of God and Woman.

Sometimes, I sit with tea while music plays on the record player.  I do my art – sewing, painting, or making my stone bead art (bracelets and malas, mostly) – and usually have music playing, often on the record player.  It sits to the side, with a small set of albums by it.

My bedroom is calm and cozy and inviting.  It is very clean-feeling.  I spend my time here mostly only after I have recently showered.  My essential oils and incense are set up in here.  When I get ready for bed, I have a set place to put my dirty clothes, and it is small – just large enough for a load or two of washing, and always slightly empty.  I select between two or three beloved shampoos and conditioners when I shower, and I wrap myself in towels that I love when I finish.  It is easy to pull out my floss, toothbrush, toothpaste and return them to their easy places.  The same with the rubbing alcohol and Q-tips.  Sometimes I have another tea after my shower and before brushing my teeth.  I brush my hair and meditate, before doing my bedtime reading, all in the light of fairy lights and maybe a standing lamp in the corner with similar light.  I pull out my clothes for the next day after I check the expected weather.  I fall asleep happily.

In all of this, I did not see my own clothing.  It is all put away, except for the outfit I have selected for the day, which is laying out, waiting for me.  I have a small section of “Memory Materials” in, I think, my room, for my future partner and/or child/ren to peruse with and without me.

I read, but I didn’t notice any books in the vision I created.  (Just about four of them.)  I also noticed no movies…  


 

I had to talk with my brother about the book part.  He thinks I’ve hit upon something profound about the way I want to live and the relationship I have with books.  I have them all documented as “Read” and “Want to read” on GoodReads, anyway, so why do I need to keep a physical record?  I’m not 100% convinced that I’d be happy down the road if I didn’t keep a handful of my sought-out books from my youth, but I do believe that I am fine letting even more go than I had ever anticipated… I mean, I already went through them briefly today, just to see how I felt when I looked at them from this new perspective, and pulled out about a sixth of the books… with ease and comfort.  So, yeah…  This will be an adventure.  I am certain of it.

Post-a-day 2018

Full Moon Dreams

Today was the first day of the year.  Tonight was the closest the full moon will be to us all year – it is called a Super Moon, and this one in particular, as I understand it, is called the Wolf Moon.

Occasionally, we do collages – my mom and I, and sometimes others in our family – with the full moon, following the theme of the specific full moon.  They are specifically dream boards, done in collage style, using magazines that my mom pulls out from somewhere.  Tonight’s full moon, the Wolf Moon, brought with it the question, “What are you hungry for?” for the dream board making.

We went out and looked at the full, bright moon at 20:24, while it was at its fullest here, and admired its brightness, shining directly through the clouds.  We even – well, I did, anyway – got a brief view of it without all of the clouds, through one of those occasional holes that do appear in the screen of clouds that sometimes occur at night.

When we came back inside a minute or two later (it is darn cold out tonight), we began our boards.  My mom’s and my own always look drastically different from one another, yet someone tied.  Even through our artwork, one could tell that we are mother and daughter – entirely different people who share so much, one could never list it all.

As I made my dream board, I kept saying in my head, “I am hungry for…”  Over and over again, I said it as I flipped through the unsatisfactory pages of the magazines.  This is one of the funny, read “odd”, things about these dream boards: It always feels like nothing will be quite right, and yet the board turns out somehow perfect-feeling in the end every time.  The trick is just to flip through, almost passively, and just notice what is on the pages, while keeping in mind what the topic of the search is.  In doing that, things will just pop out, and, when they do, I pull out the page, set it aside, and continue flipping, almost without pause in the flow of the flipping.  At the end, I kept feeling that I needed space.  I hadn’t found anything that really fit it.  I flipped through the last magazine and found a large, white sofa.  It had space.  So I went with it.

Putting it all together was intended by my mother to be on this piece of cardboard she’d taken from a cookie box I’d just recycled today.  However, I almost never do that, because what I pull out for my dream board never fits on the cardboard.  I did put the collage together on the cardboard, though; it was the support for pressing the pages together as I glued them in place (which was because the carpet gave in too much).  My mom laughed when I mentioned that afterward.  How I put it together was almost exactly as I’d unconsciously laid it out on the floor while tearing the chosen parts out of the pages I’d set to the side.  It was just kind of almost finished already for me.  It almost always is.

So, I looked at it all to take it in before gluing.  Yes, space was still not properly represented.  I knew exactly what page I wanted.  I found it quickly, tore out the whole thing, and then discovered that I wanted to use the whole thing.  I easily stuck together everything rather quickly, and then my board was completed.  Though, the glue was really crappy, and that made it kind of odd, mashing the stick glue onto the magazine pages as the stick bent oddly one way or another.

Anyway, I was happy with my dream board when I finished gluing.  I always make it a point to put it somewhere that I will see it easily and often (and hopefully in a good mood), and this one is no different in that sense.  It rides on my wall in my bedroom, next to my door, in a spot that I couldn’t miss it, even if I tried.  And it is lovely.

Happy Wolf Moon, everyone.  For what dreams are you hungry?

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Post-a-day 2018  (The first one, anyway)

My Elephant

I snuggle at night with a large plush elephant from IKEA.  He’s kind of a temporary substitute for my cat, his trunk usually resting across my neck throughout the night.  My cat, who usually sleeps across my neck (when he is with me, of course), is kind of a temporary substitute for a person, I think.

But I still can’t imagine, no matter how creative I get with ideas, how a person could be as comfy or as cozy as my big stuffed animal or my soft, fluffy cat.  Or be as adaptable as they are.  I feel like I would just tell whoever it is to get off me and to give me space.  Yet these animals are currently acting as sorts of placeholders for said whoever… quite a thought, me thinks. 
Post-a-day 2017