true to yourself – hannah ananas

fingertips free

Mind still rolling, breathing still stilted, discomfort still within… and yet something has released and I feel a freedom I have not felt in… well, I do not know. But it is an easing of something that once was wound tightly, the way the wrist always looks when a forgotten hair tie that was too tight is finally removed – the mark is still there and an itching is beginning, but the blood flows freely now… I can still feel the tingling sting in my fingertips, reminding me that the bindings that were so tight have, indeed, been loosened. Good things are to come, and soon.

Post-a-day 2018

Finishing the chapter

I don’t remember where I heard it recently, but I heard the phrase that was something to the effect of, “How can you expect to move to the next chapter of your life, when you keep re-reading this chapter?”

I really loved and love the wording of this, though the idea is not new to me. However, the new wording allowed me to look at it a bit differently. I notice now that I am actually working on just this, proactively so since I heard the quote/phrase. I have been looking specifically at areas where I am at unease in my current life chapter, and seeing what has me be at unease in them. Finding those is the first step in moving past them – as soon as I see them, I can do something with them. So long as they evade me, I am left with only the result of their existence, and cannot seem to do anything differently in those circumstances. I want to move on to the next chapter of my life, and I see that these are all things I need to handle for myself, so that I don’t have to continue going back and revisiting, re-reading, them over and over again.

A large point on this has been the idea of how certain people (in a particular area of my life especially) perceive me, contrasted with how I have wanted them to see me in the past, and then tumbled together with the questions of Why did I want to be perceived that way? and Do I even want to be perceived that way anymore? It has been unique, to be sure. And I am liking the forward movement of it all.

A quick bit on it all: Other people’s opinions of me is none of my business, as I well know, and I have been reminded of that. Taking that into account, I have been examining why I ever really cared, and found that I wanted them to see me as I found an acceptable appearance… though that was not necessarily exactly how I was. And so, I am dealing with releasing any wish to be seen as something inconsistent with who I really am and who I really want to be. I have done stupid things, things I utterly dislike. I have done wonderful things, things I love. And I have done stupid things that I love, as well as wonderful things that I don’t much like. So, what? Those are things I have done. They are not I. They merely contribute to the formation of who I currently am, always helping me to be better than I was in my previous breath. I have loads of specifics on all of this, but I don’t really want to share them… not yet, anyway.

Here’s to a Happy Thanksgiving weekend, everyone!

Post-a-day 2017

How to go home

I feel like I am going insane right now abouts. I was talking with a new acquaintance today, and I came to saying that I think I am afraid of going back home to the US, after I’ve gone through so much development and transformation as I have this past year (with all the depression and life experiences and all here).

I really think that I am afraid of being myself as I know myself to be now. Or rather, … well… I’m afraid of being myself and being rejected, unwanted. However, I think I already deal with that in the first place, and I have for a good chunk of my life. So, that’s nothing new, then. Therefore, I can keep that same concern as always, and just be myself anyway. This way, I am fulfilled in who and how I am, and the people who do love me get to love me for who I truly am.
Sounds good to me. Let’s do this, banana.
Post-a-day 2017

A New Self in an old place

I find it amazing how it is somewhat terrifying to face an old circumstance as a new person. When one has changed so much – one could even say that a transformation has occurred, at times – that the behaviors previously associated with a certain circumstance seem incredibly strange, not you, almost foreign. And yet… when the circumstances present themselves for the first time since this transformation of the self, the transformation seems to rush to the corner, preparing to cower and disappear until the circumstances go away.

I say all of this, because I find myself tonight in one of those circumstances. I was once a very active member in this portion of the dance community. Who I was and how I was when I last was really involved, they are completely different from who and how I am now. Especially through all of my struggles, and my rustling self-improvement and self-empowerment these past 8-ish months, I am not the same person as I was back then, in the dance world. However, tonight is the first time that I am really back in that world – it is the first time the new self meets the old circumstances.

And so, as I began tonight’s events with the dance community, my comfortable calm from earlier in the evening began quickly to quaver, giving me a sense of panic, overall discomfort, and rather short breaths.

However, I was able to notice these things happening to me, almost as though I were metely an observer of the events, and not the one actually experiencing them. In doing that, I was able to make sense of the situation – I began to panic, because panicky stress was who I was being when last I was in this world of dance. I had never known this world as the new self, and it was so second-nature for me to behave the old way, as I had done it so often for so long.

So, instead of panicking further about my panicking, or letting the old ways take hold, I thanked them for sharing their thoughts, and evaluated the actual situation in front of me. Do I actually care about such-and-such? No, not really. Other people see it differently, though. Am I okay with that? Yes, I actually am. Okie doke.

And suddenly I am free of the stress, and I get to be myself again, and freely so. And it is wonderful. It is still a bit terrifying, thinking of going fully back into this world in the coming months and year. However, this rough but groundbreaking start was a great way to get the ball rolling, and to encourage and empower me to be my true self, no matter what.
Post-a-day 2017