To this day, I remember Kristin L— in the bathroom at middle school, saying that the ideal roll for a t-shirt sleeve was two rolls up…
To this day, I still agree with her…
And I think of her just about every time I roll or consider rolling my t-shirt sleeves…
And, every time I think of her in this scenario, I have a fleeting moment of physical memory of my nervousness, my sense of not-quite-adequacy I always had around her… I envied her, and, at times, longed to be her (she, of course)… I watched her, observed her, taking in the lessons.
What did I love so much about her?
Well, she was somewhat popular, but it wasn’t so much that as the qualities and attributes that made her popular that had me longing most.
She danced.
I eventually became a world champion dancer (yes, I have an actual world title).
She did the French tuck with her t-shirts, and rolled the sleeves up twice, always looking fabulous.
I now do that when I feel like with my t-shirts (instead of being too scared of declared to be “copying”, and then not doing it st all).
She wore bras that looked feminine.
I eventually got there, but have found my own version of balancing feminine with natural and with comfortable.
She was confident in life (mostly, anyway… an air of general confidence, we’ll say).
I am comfortable in who I am, and am generally confident in myself and about life as a whole (though the rough bits get to me at times).
She had a Jeep destined to her, horses to visit, and a determined location for college.
I had lots of openness and no-idea-ness for my far future, and kind of still do…, but I embrace it as a dream board to collage nowadays… and I’ve been interning with horses, learning to care for and ride them, too…
All of this made her gorgeous in my eyes.
The comfortable self-confidence projects radiance from my own eyes, and I find myself staring at smiling me in the mirror on many of the good days, and even on some of the not-too-good ones… the rest of my accomplishments have little to do with the beauty I see and admire in myself.
Yet, there is still something about her that makes my insides feel clenchy and hollow and longing, whenever I think about her or her life at present… I still little girl style long to be more like her (she)… to be her (she)… even though I know I want to be myself… that little girl still longs for something unsatisfied in the relationship, it seems, and I’m not sure what it is…
Perhaps I could write her a letter, read it aloud, as though to her (but not actually to her), and then let it all go… perhaps that would handle it all for me.
Yes, I think I’ll give that a go next week (because I still have final papers for this week to do).
Wish me luck and freedom! 😀
Post-a-day 2019
hannah ananas 