Baby steps

As I’ve started to sit in the space of that I was actually very strongly and negatively affected by the stuff with the gym folks in August, things are starting to shift slowly within me.

We went on a long walk yesterday. Today, while relaxing with a film after dinner, I had a desire to do some arm work. So, I got the dumbbell and did sets of curls and strict presses for a bit while watching the movie.

These might and do seem small on their own. However, I can feel how massive they are by the weight they are both lifting from me. This is the direction I want to go. I so incredibly missed doing intense workouts, I can hardly stand it… lately, it has been hard to stand myself, really. I want these workouts and they make all the difference for me and my mental and physical and spiritual health. I want them in my life still.

And I know I have a lot to release in order to get back into them fully. Nonetheless, I will persist in my efforts to increase my exercise activity levels, as well as to release and release and release, so that I can complete. I have begun to reach a new stage of this strain. Instead of feeling pathetic as a victim, or apathetic or wanting to avoid every or merely depressed, I am entering the rage stage. I just want to scream and yell at them and be mad at how crappily they each did their jobs – I just want the whole world to know that these people failed miserably and neither noticed nor cared how any of it affected anyone else, especially me. The phase doesn’t feel long. I think I’ll just need to say it aloud and be angry for a few days, and then I’ll be able to let it go and move onward. Rage never lasts long for me. And it is always a sign of progress, as it is never my first phase in a situation. So, in this case, rage is good. Rage is very good. Haha 😛

Dear God, thank you for helping me to know myself and for helping me to experience this outrage and anger. Thank you for showing me the love and the responsibility that I do deserve and that does work in the world, such that I could be enraged at how these particular people treated me. Thank you for this opportunity to step away from a community that was no longer lifting me up and improving me. And thank you for whatever wonders are to come as I let this all go for good. Thank you for this life. Thank you. I love you. I love me, too. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023