career planning – hannah ananas

What to do… slash I am a nutcase sometimes

I am having breakdown after breakdown with these graduate school essays. Is it that I really just don’t want to apply? I think not. Is it that I am scared of applying? Likely.

I am scared for various reasons.

I do not want to be rejected. I am good enough for this program. But I might not be a good match for it. So, if the school decides that I am not a good match, and rejects my application, what then? If the school accepts me, and I later find out that I am not a good match, and I end up hating the program, what then? What if I am a good match for the program/school, but I end up just not liking the studies? And am I applying because it just feels like something safe to pursue? So many of my co-agers seem to have resorted to graduate school whenever something else for work has not panned out as hoped. Do I resist applying, because I am worried that it will look like a sort of ‘I messed up and had no back-up plan, so I have to go to graduate school,’ kind of thing?

I like being prestigious. I enjoy being snobby. (Not like crazy, but to a certain degree, I mean.) I love the schools I have already attended, and I love being able to tell people that I attended them. They are special, well-known, highly acclaimed, and amazing quality schools. I feel like this one is nowhere near the same caliber, and holds very little respect in its name. The only way I would be comfortable attending it, would be if I had something amazing afterward, be it a spectacular PhD program or seemingly unreal work success. It is the kind of place where I would want to work, not attend school. Just like my teaching last semester, I want to be able to share about the school as someone who supports it as an outsider. Attending the school would feel in adequate for my own abilities, skills, and knowledge. I want a graduate degree, but I think I don’t want it from here.

However, is this fear coming forth, creating excuses for me? I suppose the best plan of action would be to apply to the program, and then see what happens. If they accept me, great. Now I get to choose to attend or not. If they reject me, great. Now I get to choose what else to do with my talents and my time. (I think I want to do the latter already.)

Okay. So, let’s finish this application, and let’s rock it!

P.S. And I know that I want the degree so that I can further my career in teaching, expanding it to English, as well as creating the possibility of teaching at the college level. However, I think that is precisely what has been holding gem back from seeing what is really there for me. That just makes so much sense. It is difficult to set aside things that make beautiful sense. If I take the step of this graduate program now, then I can begin teaching English quite soon. However, I love teaching high school. And I love doing other things, too. I am substitute teaching today. I love subbing regularly in a school, where I get to know the students just enough, but am not stuck to one subject area alone. Long-term subbing is kind of the best. Yes, it pays way less than regular teaching. But I love it. I want to teach part-time. Period. Even when I consider my life post-Master-degree, I still see myself teaching only part-time. I think what I fear the most is what I will do in order to sustain a part-time teaching lifestyle financially. Or, rather, how to figure out what to do. If I don’t manage that now, I will spend the next two and a half years freaking out about just that – if only in the background of my mind. I think I want to figure that out now. Now. 🙂

Post-a-day 2018

Freedom’s Indecision

The trouble with having freedom in my future is that freedom can sometimes means too many options to focus. Right now, I know what I am doing for the next six weeks. After that, I’m really not sure. My current job will be finished, and so my life is open to options from there on out. What will I do next? I have total freedom (within the bounds of financial abilities, of course). And with that freedom comes an uncountable number of possibilities for what I could end up doing.

It feels like I have a new path I am considering pursuing almost every day. One almost could ask me, “What’s today’s fancy, Hannah?” And I’d have a different answer almost every day. A week ago, I wasn’t too sure about my cat, and I found myself wondering that I rather preferred his living with a family with other cats, and who wants him. This weekend, I have felt as though all I want is to move into my own apartment and to live with my cat again. (Despite the fact that I said several times this past year that I probably never want to live alone again.)

Talking with my stepbrother tonight, I find myself really wanting to pursue coaching and teaching. It has me wonder if I don’t just get excited about other people’s dreams and their passions, and I long to have the dream, the desire, the passion that they have about something, as opposed to the actual something. Do I want to coach and teach, or do I simply want the clear desire and love that my stepbrother showed for the two activities tonight? To be fair, I really did love coaching lacrosse (assistant coaching, anyway), so I’m not looking at something in which I have no background or foundation here. Nonetheless, it is still something into which I am looking regarding my future and my means of making money.

Anyway, … that’s what I have for tonight…

Post-a-day 2017

career planning like child’s play

As I pondered about today at work, with no actual work to do, but tons of pastimes to pursue at my desk, I somehow came to the idea of thinking like a child. I think I was inspired from the fact that a girl in this one movie was about to become a full-fledged lawyer, and I found myself somewhat envious. It got me thinking about how, as a child, I never really wanted to be anything specific when I grew up. Sure I said singer/actor, but that was kind of a ‘just ’cause’ answer, not an impassioned one – my heart was certainly not in it. It just sounded fun to be famous and super talented, you know?

So, as I was thinking about how kids have these people they want to be when they grow up, and how ridiculous those things sometimes sound, and then how boring of jobs those kids typically eventually end up getting when they are adults, I got into the crazy-ish idea of, “Well, if I were a kid now, what would I want to be when I grow up?” And that’s when the fun started.

It didn’t take very long for me to come to my conclusion. Fully-passioned and excited, I felt a need to share the news with the world. I didn’t think much beyond that – sharing it – other than how fun it sounded, and how silly it would be should I actually somehow become such an individual. Why? Well, I said that I want to be a cello-playing ballerina artist who does astronomy and physics stuff for fun.

So, I posted about it on the beautiful world of Facebook. After seeing a few of the comments that friends made, however, I began actually thinking about such a career path for myself. Part of the whole reason I started thinking about it, was because I thought it crazy how kids, who can do next-to-nothing about it, are so passionate about what they want to do for their jobs, and yet adults, who have all the ability to do something about their current jobs, tend to be so dispassionate about their careers. So, here I am, taking on a child’s passion in terms of career direction/choice (really, choosing freely (as a child chooses) what I would do, if I could do anything I wanted), and I suddenly realized that I am one of those adults who is in a position actually to do something about my career.

Wow. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how easy it could be for me. Yes, it is loads and loads of hard work. I know. But I’m talking about practicality of the situation. I’ve recently re-begun ballet lessons, I’m picking up my own art supplies next week in order to continue in my student-taught art lessons I’ve been receiving, and I’m working at a school with lots of musical connections (likely with links to a student of some age who could start teaching me to play the cello). And this is all just in my small town in Japan. When I move back to my big city in the US this Summer/Fall, I’ll have innumerable resources at my fingertips. And, without even realizing this earlier today, I have made specific progress towards this goal for the Fall: I now recall that I have already spoken to a sort of art expert to help me find some appropriate art classes for me to take this coming Fall.

Life is looking beautiful on the career path front. I in almost no way have a ballerina’s body. And that’s okay. I don’t want to be on the main stage. I know that. But I want to be dancing ballet. 🙂 (I’m so excited about this, I can’t stop smiling and having a little delighted shudder race through me every so often as I think about it all.)

My cousin commented about my career goals being similar to the career of Hedy Lamar. I had to look her up, though I recognized the name. As I was on the phone with my mom, I asked her what she knew about Hedy. Just that she was a black and white actress, very gorgeous 30s look. When I found her Wikipedia page, I read it aloud to my mother, and we both were amazed – she was fabulous, and my cousin was exactly right in comparing my career goals to the career of Hedy Lamar! Check her out. She was awesome. She and the guy from Queen (Brian May) who has a PhD in Astrophysics. They rock.

So, yeah… that’s today’s ponderings that I cared to share here. 🙂 Peace out, yo.

Post-a-day 2017