I have been sitting here for over an hour, not going home. The semi-excuse was that I was talking with my mom, but the phone call has finished, and here I still sit. I also had a high level (for me) of caffeine this afternoon, and so I wanted to get the jitters out as much as possible, while I still had the chance to walk around outside and all. Now I feel the sleepy sliding into place, wishing me to bed.
And yet, here I still sit.
I do not know if I am afraid of tomorrow, and am letting that stop me from ending today, or if I am afraid of tomorrow, but have some other reason that I still sit here on my little piece of green-light-backed bench. Either way, I can see clearly that I am afraid of tomorrow beginning. I leave in 12 days, and the planning I didn’t want to do would be coming into effect now, if I had done the planning. Instead, the events are all floating around, wondering if and when they will be accomplished by me. I can almost see the Super Smash-like challenge at play around me, each item fighting happily for a place on my life this week and next. But they all have so many lives, it is taking forever to figure out who ranks where – the current lowest position might still come through and win the whole thing in another 40 lives.
It is such a beautiful night right now, right here, I want to keep it. I want to roll into a hammock out here in the plaza, and sleep with the cool breeze brushing and rocking me all night, clouds floating slowly by above me, and slight coty noises rumbling off and on in the nearby distance.
But, even still, I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t specifically have a desire to remain here on this bench. I also don’t specifically have a desire to walk the block home or to go to bed. It is not apathy necessarily. I just can’t figure out what feeling is there. Because I know that there is something there…
And so I sit, writing this, and taking my time to do so, pausing so as. It to finish and have no other reason good enough to keep me here on this bench. Here, I am intentionally on my own, alone. Once I move onward, that will not be the case. While I am here, there is not much of anything for me to do but to sit and to enjoy. Once I move onward, again, that will not be the case.
However, the plaza decided for me just now, as it turned off its lights. No longer is my bench wall green, and no longer are the ground lights shining. The plaza now sleeps, and I accept that as encouragement enough to send me home. I still do not want to go, but I certainly prefer that to being in trouble with the security guard who already stared me down earlier, when all the lights were still glowing.