Note to self

I have this sticky note on my desk.  It’s not exactly positive, but it somehow encourages me.  I don’t remember when I wrote it, and I only somewhat remember writing it.  However, I mostly remember where I was mentally when I wrote it.

I was lost and depressed and stressed and unhappy, and I knew that I was going to stay in this current job to the end of my contract (this coming July).  I was concerned with my future, in terms of career, of who I want to be and the lifestyle I want to have, and in terms of potential partnership in my life (think “husband”).  And all I knew for sure was that my life was (and still is) here right now, in Japan and in this job.  There is something for me here for now.  When the something has been reached, I will move elsewhere, but not before then and not after then.  

And though I wrote this note months ago, it still applies and still rings true – it even gives me hope and inspiration for my future and my present both, despite its sounding so sad every time I hear myself read it in my head.  I think that I recall the pain that was present when I wrote the note, and I feel a connection, a sort of bond, with that person who wrote it.  I know that person was still I, but it was a different I from who I am now.  We still have that link of utter distaste in our mouths at being in this job and circumstance, though, and that is a powerful bond between us.  We work together through this bond to encourage one another to persevere – you can do it, and so can you.

It reads:

Also, bleib ich einfach

warte

“And so, I’ll just stay, wait”
And I do.
Post-a-day 2017

a day for rest

Sometimes, I just have to accept that my day’s productivity will consist of mental and physical rejuvenation (e.g. resting around all day), as opposed to standard ideas of ‘being productive’.  There can be a hundred things I want to accomplish on a day off of work.  However, if that day comes at the end of a long stream of busy, filled, tiring work days, then I might just need to postpone all 100 tasks.  Otherwise, I won’t even make it through the day.

I want a lifestyle where I balance out these tasks and this rest in a beautiful, perfect combination of activity and rejuvenation.  I think there is true value in having a day of rest in every week.  The religions really got that one right.  No joke, yo.
Post-a-day 2017

Picking leaves and drinking them

I have discovered a blessing of a drink.  It is rosemary tea.  Just steep fresh rosemary in hot water for three minutes, then pour it into a cup with honey, and enjoy it.  To me, it feels like a medicinal experience, like something that heals me when I am feeling ill.  Therefore, it brings up my spirits even more than regular tea, making the experience with it even better than just a good flavor.  And, thanks to my neighborhood having an odd abundance of rosemary, I can have this tea regularly and often.  🙂  So, yay!  And yes, I do thank the neighbors and their plants for the kind donation to my good mental and physical health. 
Post-a-day 2017

Tears for Art

Today, I cried a decent number of times.  I was exhausted, and still am (Therefore, I will keep this short.).  However, I only want to reference one of the cryings right now.

A student gave me her small piece of art today, after I complimented it to her.  As I was gazing at my newly acquired work of art, looking into the face of the person in it, I noticed that tears were starting to brim, and there was nothing to be done about it.  It was beautiful, and I was responding in a way I usually do not respond to beauty, though understand and accept fully.

Now, I want that student to do a portrait of me, color and all.
Post-a-day 2017

No!Drug!

I see various posters and signs and advertisements all over the place here regarding drugs (and even “drags”), and almost every single one seems to have something about it that portrays the idea of promoting, as opposed to opposing, drugs.  

The natural phrasing seems to be, “No, don’t do that.  Do this.”  And so, we have the natural adjustment in my brain of, “No!  Drug!” to, “No, don’t do that!  Do drugs!” or, “No, don’t do that!  Drug!”  (And then, is it meaning yourself or others?)

I know that I am silly.  This in no way changes that I am using legitimate logic here, and these posters are kind of hilarious.  😛
Post-a-day 2017

Poetry, I suppose

An aimless wandering does my life seem to be at present,
with no alteration in sight.
More of the same, and more of the same…
Everything is the same.

Except that I feel different from the rest,
and as though I am not meant to stay here
with this flowing, owing, wandering world.

I move differently, indeed,
but it is not enough – I know it is not.
I am still here, aimlessly wandering,
waiting…
for something, for someone, for me?
I can feel that it is almost time to go,
and I haven’t the slightest idea where that means.
But go I shall.
That I know.
And then I’ll know.

 

Post-a-day 2017

 

tuesday – tuesday – tuesday

Last night, I went to a dance social in Tokyo.  It was mostly friends and acquaintances, though plenty of other people I hadn’t known before the social last night.  However, they were all adults, which makes the following scenario worth telling (in my opinion, anyway).  As an important matter, know that I wore days-of-the-week underwear yesterday.  And, yes, they were for the correct current day of the week.

At the social, I happened to be wearing a pair of blue linen pants with a drawstring.  As such, they consistently slipped ever so slightly downward as I danced.  With my shirt being longer than the waistband of my pants, that normally would be no biggie.  However, seeing as this was west coast swing dancing, that means that my shirt regularly would get twisted or bunched up a bit, rising above the waist band of my pants for a couple or few seconds here and there.

Now, I normally am not opposed to such little glimpses of my midriff as my shirt-pants combination were displaying.  However, since my pants kept slipping downward, little by little, in combination with the shirt going upward now and then, this meant that the waistband of my underwear was also showing on a regular basis as I danced.  I guess I am not really opposed to this either, as they are nothing sultry, but I guess it is a bit of a social taboo when in certain company.  I digress…

I chuckled when I first noticed my peeping underwear waistband, because, do recall, I was wearing days-of-the-week underwear last night.  “See?” I thought, “I am just so dedicated to my job, that I am even teaching English after hours!”  For, every time my shirt went up, “Tuesday” was visible in clear block letters all the way around my hips.

I shared this thought with a few friends, and we all had a good laugh at the silliness of the situation – that I not only was wearing days-of-the-week underwear, but was unintentionally showing them off to everyone, and found a cute little joke around its happening.  One girlfriend commented, that it was a mighty fine and creative way to teach high schoolers English, removing clothing and showing the English off on parts of the body.  I replied how I could only imagine how much the boys would love learning English.  She then said that even she would be interested in seeing that lesson happen.  After all, who could resist such a unique lesson, boy or girl, man, woman, or +?  I know I’d want to see it, if something like that happened, because that’s just too ridiculous to pass up.  😛

 

Post-a-day 2017

Coincidental Acquaintances filling the Heart

I almost missed my trains home tonight, because I didn’t want to leave the people with whom I was.  I had only just met the majority of them tonight, and only passively, but I loved being with them.  You know the people who just seem to fill your heart, and make you wish for nothing but, perhaps, more time with them, for you are fully content in their presence?  That was my experience tonight.

I met these people at the dance event/social just a few hours ago, and only barely had the chance to talk with them during the social.  And yet, here I am, genuinely concerned (well, I was for a bit, anyway) that I might not make it home tonight, for I couldn’t seem to draw myself away from their presence as we stood outside the train station, just talking.  Well, we weren’t just talking, of course, but talking and laughing and joking and expressing joy and love with one another.  And that’s exactly the point, exactly the reason I felt myself magnetized to the little group of people who, except for the one couple, had only just met one another tonight.

It was beautiful, and has not left me wanting.  For now, for tonight, I am whole and complete, and utterly content, for I belonged with an ease I felt like I had forgotten, I was loved without hesitation, and my love was fully accepted.  🙂

❤ people who love
Post-a-day 2017

Serendipitous Unknowing

Sometimes, I just have no idea where I am standing in the world.  Tonight, just now, actually, I went outside to see if I could see Cassiopeia, the constellation.  I just finished the film Serendipity, and realized that I had never looked up Cassiopeia, up above, I mean.  So I checked how it looks, and then went outside to find it.  After giving up once, and going back inside, I decided to look it up online again, though still briefly, and went back outside.  I felt almost desperate as I discovered that I likely would not be able to identify the constellation tonight.  I accepted my fate easily and with a respectable sense of calm.  However, there was a certain sense within me that was noticed deep within, a feeling of desperation, though I couldn’t say for what.  I headed back down the little street and turned the corner to my apartment, longing to fall-crawl into bed, snuggle up, and cry with my stuffed animals and blankets holding me closely and lovingly.

Walking up the stairs in my socks, sandals, and James P. “Sulley” Sullivan onesie, I asked myself and the world at large what I am resisting.  What is my life trying to show me right now, that I’m not seeing?  What am I afraid to accept and take on, that the world is setting forth for me?  What am I avoiding?  What is the question to ask right now?

I don’t know.

I’m going to find Cassiopeia, though, even though it isn’t happening tonight.  That is one thing I do know, and I thank God for that, in addition to my life, at the very least.

 

Post-a-day 2017