A step count isn’t only good when it’s a really high number…
You see, I not only took 25,000 steps (FitBit on the ankle to track them) today, but – and these are likely a bigger deal than those 25,000 – I took two big steps for myself and my life.
And it is way late at night right now for me just to have gotten home, but it has been a good day… a very good day. 🙂
And I am grateful dafür.
Post-a-day 2018
Dear ——, is this still your number? Hannah ——- here. I wanted you to know that I am very interested in renting out your apartment. However, I have three concerns. 1) I’d like to see it to be certain. 2) I would prefer to move in in June instead of May. Would that be possible? 3) If something were to come up where I receive a job offer abroad, would it work for me to move out sooner than anticipated (even if that means I find a sub-letter, etc.)?
……………………………………………..
A series of text messages I am considering sending tomorrow (as the person prefers messages to calls, and it is too late to do it tonight).
Post-a-day 2018
Sometimes, it feels like life is on the brink of either incredible breakthrough or tremendous breakdown… as though I’m balancing on a fence, walking along the upper slate of wood, like I did all the time as a kid. I know it isn’t very safe, and so I am careful, but I do it, nonetheless. I know it could end in near-tragedy. But I know, too, that it could end in complete success. That’s how my life feels right now. Though my balance seems to be deteriorating as of late, it still feels like I am just one little step away from something huge.
Do I even really care what that is? I think not. I just want to know that there is actually something there.
I know fully that I could drop all of this and move elsewhere, find great work, and move forward happily in life. But something has me here right now, and makes going elsewhere feel like running away. I just can’t see what it is that I keep wanting to escape every time my balance gets wobbly. I can’t see the hand that is gripping me from behind, pinning me here either. I guess I’m walking the fence with blinders on… makes me feel even worse for horses, because this kind of really sucks.
Whatever… I’ll keep thinking on it all. I know everything will be great eventually for me. I’m clear on that. I just hope that I don’t end up running away from something, leaving myself incomplete… perhaps that is the key to everything moving forward. Well, of course it is. Duh. Hmm…
Post-a-day 2018
I don’t remember where I heard it recently, but I heard the phrase that was something to the effect of, “How can you expect to move to the next chapter of your life, when you keep re-reading this chapter?”
I really loved and love the wording of this, though the idea is not new to me. However, the new wording allowed me to look at it a bit differently. I notice now that I am actually working on just this, proactively so since I heard the quote/phrase. I have been looking specifically at areas where I am at unease in my current life chapter, and seeing what has me be at unease in them. Finding those is the first step in moving past them – as soon as I see them, I can do something with them. So long as they evade me, I am left with only the result of their existence, and cannot seem to do anything differently in those circumstances. I want to move on to the next chapter of my life, and I see that these are all things I need to handle for myself, so that I don’t have to continue going back and revisiting, re-reading, them over and over again.
A large point on this has been the idea of how certain people (in a particular area of my life especially) perceive me, contrasted with how I have wanted them to see me in the past, and then tumbled together with the questions of Why did I want to be perceived that way? and Do I even want to be perceived that way anymore? It has been unique, to be sure. And I am liking the forward movement of it all.
A quick bit on it all: Other people’s opinions of me is none of my business, as I well know, and I have been reminded of that. Taking that into account, I have been examining why I ever really cared, and found that I wanted them to see me as I found an acceptable appearance… though that was not necessarily exactly how I was. And so, I am dealing with releasing any wish to be seen as something inconsistent with who I really am and who I really want to be. I have done stupid things, things I utterly dislike. I have done wonderful things, things I love. And I have done stupid things that I love, as well as wonderful things that I don’t much like. So, what? Those are things I have done. They are not I. They merely contribute to the formation of who I currently am, always helping me to be better than I was in my previous breath. I have loads of specifics on all of this, but I don’t really want to share them… not yet, anyway.
Here’s to a Happy Thanksgiving weekend, everyone!
Post-a-day 2017
hannah ananas 