winter – Page 4 – hannah ananas

Winter, Wait – Weight, Workout

Tonight, at the gym, I did a workout class that I’ve been wanting to do for a while now. It was painfully hard, that class. And not necessarily because the workout is a difficult one. Yes, the workout was difficult and fast and rather nonstop. But the hardest part of it was how my usual self could have kept up with it.

Right now, I don’t even want to weigh myself, because I know I haven’t been gaining any muscles lately, and I have definitely gained a whole extra layer of fat throughout a good portion of my body. I have been through various weights, for sure, but I typically have a point which I never pass. I am almost certain that I am past that point now. I have never had the peeping of my belly be an issue before, because my belly has always looked nice. Even when it had extra weight to it, it was a nice, smooth, ladylike curve. It suggested a bit of plumpness to it, but still looked healthy. Today, when I raised my arms in a stretch at work, I was saddened by the sight. No longer do I have the cute belly peeping beneath the raised shirt. It isn’t terrible, of course, but cute and feminine are no longer ways to describe it.

So, in this workout class this evening, as I was in a tremendous physical and mental struggle, tears were brimming at one point. I initially thought to fight them off. But then I realized that that was exactly why I was here in the class – because this kind of thing is hard for me right now, and I want to deal with that. So, I let some tears have their say, and I put extra effort into what I was doing. I was lame and slow for a lot of it, I couldn’t even do one of the exercises (going to talk with the teacher about how it’s meant to be done, and see what stretching would help me best to do the exercise), and, by the end, my whole face was flushed and I could barely breathe or move. But I stuck it out. I even stayed for the relaxation yoga class afterward, even though I was exhausted (mentally, physically, and sleep-wise) and ready for bed.

I even talked with one of the girls afterward about my wanting to come more often to the gym, as well as my struggle to do so (being depressed really does suck). Today’s been a sort of up day for me, and I’m hoping to have a similar one tomorrow, so that I might start myself on a habit with going to the gym on days when I’m not already working just down the street from it.

Peace and Love, and Goodnight, folks. 😀

Post-a-day 2017

Winter Weight

When I’m stuck in the dead of winter, my body shares in that feeling of utter ugh-ness the weather brings to my mental state. It is cold and miserable outdoors right now, and my body knows it, and only wants to stay bundled up indoors, watching films until Spring shows up. Not to be cheesy, of course, but I’ll be quite ready to spring into action then, getting outdoors as much as possible each day. I feel so stagnant in the cold, and it shows on my body, as well as on my mental health.

I make sure to vary my activities, so as to keep my brain working alright in winter. Yes, I reach the downs much more often than desired, but I always manage to work through them, even if I have to ask for help to do it. However, these activities are all related to my mental health, and are usually confined to managing myself within my apartment or at work. That is to say, they are not outdoor, and therefore not very active, activities.

When the weather is decent to almost any degree, I find it so easy to be active out-of-doors. This outdoor activity is the near-entirety of my physical exercise (read “workouts”) in life. And so, when you remove these outdoor events, you remove almost all physical exercise I have in my life.

And, with that removal of exercise, comes the arrival of fat. And, as many of us know, with the new fat, comes new and lowered levels of confidence and empowerment related to my body. Sure, it’s just my winter weight, so to speak, but if I get a vacation to, say Singapore, there isn’t much delight in running around in my summer clothes that don’t quite fit the way they’re meant to fit me. (I say this, because it’s already happened, you see.) Even the loose-fitting stuff doesn’t quite fit so comfortably. Though it might still look good on me, it is difficult to be comfortable when the formerly-loose clothes feel almost binding.

Now, I don’t have anywhere in particular that I was aiming to send this writing – it was just what was on my mind tonight. I feel fat. I have more fat than I want right now. I dislike the feel and the look of it all. I long for summer and summertime activities, making it all feel even worse right now (because I’m too fat for the summer stuff right now, remember). And, despite all of this, I still have no motivation to get out in the cold – no way. 😛

I guess there’s no chance of my ever moving permanently somewhere cold. (Although, I think having a dryer, as well as cold-weather clothing that actually fit me, would make a world of a difference for me, as I was out and running regularly in the snow in Vienna.)

Anyway, … ugh. I even did a real workout today, here at home, and I’m feeling like this. Haha. What crazy minds we have, huh? Okay, I’m going to go read. Goodnight, folks!

Post-a-day 2017

Yoga and Winter Blues

Right as I was heading through the rising action into the climax of a film I was watching before bed this evening, my best friend and I ended up texting one another over some e-mails and SNL (Saturday Night Live) sketches from earlier in the day, and, since we were already interacting, she invited me to do yoga with her. Naturally, I knew she meant from some online video, and not something that required me to leave my living room or put on real clothes, because, as you might already know (click here to know how you might already know), we are living in different countries (England and Japan). Since my life is totally normal and all, I had no hesitation in pausing the movie at 10pm to do a 30-minute yoga set for winter blues with my bestie.

We put up FaceTime on my laptop and her phone, so we could see one another and be together, and then we synchronized the youtube video on each of our computers (I then muted mine, having us both listening to her computer, but each watching on our own screens). It took us a bit to get started, as we went back and forth about whether or not to wear bras and pants (American pants, as we already had the British ones), but I finally gave up on trying to find either, and settled myself in front of the heater to keep my legs warm (since I wasn’t sitting underneath a super cozy blanket anymore). The only requirement was doing downward dog facing one another, so we wouldn’t get a face full of bums on our screens…. except that we still discussed and tested doing downward dog from facing away from one another (I put on a scarf as a sort of half-loincloth in the back), so as to establish that we could, in fact, look at one another during the pose, delighting in one another’s faces (despite the legs and bums also noticeably visible).

And so we did a wonderful little yoga set from this great girl in Austin, Texas (who happens to have a strong resemblance to a friend of ours from high school). We chuckled. I made all sorts of silly noises (thanks to my It is freakin’ cold here, how on Earth do people function like at all in this country in wintertime lack of outdoorsiness (and thereby exercise) these past two-ish months). And we never really flashed one another. (Though downward dog is quite funny when your own shirt is loose, and shivs down (up?) over your eyes as your put your head downward.) And it was great. Totally simple. Totally normal (for us, anyway, though I’m not sure we’ve ever done this together before). Totally great.

I love best friends. I love being naturally silly. I love yoga. I love my best friend. I love warm weather.

And I love that we’re still on FaceTime with one another, though I’m busy writing and she’s busy eating lunch and reading, and we aren’t even talking to one another right now – we’re just hanging out together, and I love it.

P.S. In case you, too, want to beat the winter blues (I really do love the music kind, though), here’s the video we used. Take special care to note her various comments throughout the set, as well as the dog that shows up in the final couple seconds of the video.

Post-a-day 2017

#yogawithadrienne #winterblues

The train station at 5am

Out of the darkness, a pair of white tennis shoes appear in the corner, illuminated by some magical strip of light. They are patiently, patiently, ever so patiently waiting.

Upward, dark jeans, black jacket, a bag… once invisible in their angled darkness, they solemnly allow their existence to be known with a quiet and easy surprise attack.

A man. Looking at nothing, waiting for something that will come no time soon, he stands still with the time, innerly… something…, outwardly stoical against the near-bitter cold.

This I see as I grumble home in my near hallucinations of aches and pains at 5am.

Post-a-day 2017

Ice Cream in the Cold

I’m not sure when it started for me, but, for some reason, I regularly crave ice cream in the cold weather. And, typically, I find a way to satisfy that craving, despite the crazy looks I usually tend to receive.

One early December in college, a friend, Genevieve, and I each got a pint of ice cream, and went wandering around our campus, eating our ice creams. I think it was in the 50s (Fahrenheit, of course), but there we were, wandering outdoors with our ice creams that wouldn’t melt on us. I believe this was also around the time that I carried around my “I love you… you should, too” sign…, but that’s a different story to tell.

Anyway, eating ice cream has become one of my preferred pastimes in recent years. Once, in Vienna, a girlfriend and I attempted to go have some ice cream or froyo, only to discover that the shop was closed for winter. (We ended up eating specialty cupcakes elsewhere, which were delicious, but just not the same.) While living in Vienna, I would treat myself to an Eiskaffee every so often (coffee with ice cream, topped with whipped cream), although it was cold throughout almost my entire stay. I would say that was where it all started, as I had regularly enjoyed ice cream as a casual outing while living in Germany that summer, and so it was only logical that the habit continued into winter in Vienna. However, that was after the college campus fun with Genevieve, so it could not have begun there (based on the sort of time structure we currently follow in our world, anyway). Oh, well… it is of little importance right now, anyway, so I’m alright with not knowing how it all began. The point is: I love ice cream, and I love eating ice cream when the weather is cold.

Also on that note, I finally made myself an Eiskaffee today. However, my judgement on that it would be alright having it well after 10pm was ridiculously proven incorrect – it’s now 4am, and I’m only just growing truly sleepy. We’ll see if I’m able to sleep in just a few minutes! Anyway, here’s to sleeping for a healthy body, mind, and spirit. 🙂

Post-a-day 2017