I went to a wedding with my mom. It consistently reminded me both of how grateful I am for my husband and of how good of a job I did on our wedding and reception.
It also made me want to be better with my husband – for our relationship with each other to be much more love-centered and love-present than it has been for a while. We can be much better than we have been.
God, help us in this, please. Help us both to heal, and to heal with one another, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
I’ve shared with a handful of co-workers at this point, and that ha scariest helped immensely. I’m still craggy and pissed off at regular life at school each day, but it helps, nonetheless.
I’ve started actually typing out a list of all the crap with which I have been dealing with my job this year, all the unfairness. I’ve reached out for contributions from my mom and husband, as well was a co-worker who has been there to hear it all and help me through a lot of it throughout the year so far. I think I’ll ask another coworker for his input, too, tomorrow. Then, once I’ve gathered all the points, I’ll put them in order and in a letter, and send a printed and a digital copy to the principal early next week, I guess. If I am granted the requested meeting with him sooner than that, then I will have it ready to hand him in that meeting. Whatever the case, my points will be communicated and documented, and I can move forward complete on it all, having been in clear communication.
Anyway, though I’m really relieved about that, I’m still utterly exhausted. All this emotion and all this lack of sleep has been especially tough this week.
And I really miss the dog. I miss the future we were living into, becoming a family of four. Now, we are a hopeful but woeful family of two. My husband is my dreams come true, of course. But the rest of this has been sacrificial suffering, without our understanding the ultimate goal of the suffering, which has made it al the harder.
Nonetheless, I am exhausted, and so I am going to sleep now. Getting closer and closer to being in bed when I truly want to be these days(!). So, yay for that(!). 9:30 lights out tonight.
Thank you, God, for the home and bed and husband. Amen.
Our dog is still dying. My husband thinks she’ll be stubborn and hold on as long as possible. I’m hoping and praying that she’ll let go in her sleep… and tonight would be great for that, because she is just so clearly falling apart and struggling at this point. The vet said she has numbers “off the chart” for her kidneys, which means big time kidney failure, which means her body is, basically, filling with toxins and, I guess, killing her from the inside…? Whatever the case, it sounds dreadful and she is a sad sight to behold whenever she tries to go anywhere.
She did wander around both the back and front yards today, though, and for a good chunk of the day. All willingly.
But she also just kind of toppled over several times, and she looked like she was about to topple over almost the entire time.
She clearly loves my husband very much, and shows it still. She likes me, too, but nowhere near the same as she likes him.
We both love her, and this is hard for us, seeing how hard it is for her.
God, help her to find ease and comfort, please. Release her of this burden and grant her your peace, please, and by your hand. In your name, I pray. Amen.
This has been a bit of an odd Easter, as several of us are dealing with some very difficult stuff right now. However, it was still a really enjoyable time together today. My mom did a great job making food and feeding us (with my husband’s and my contributions to various parts), and without causing me all the hassle she typically does. I asked her specifically just to handle it and not to ask me to do things or for where stuff is more than absolutely necessary, and she actually did. I still did my part, as did my husband, and we got to spend time together with my brother, and also with my mom and stepdad. Oh, and with the chickens. We made my brother hold a couple of them to compare weights, and he even tossed Blackie back over their fence after she flew over to lay a rogue egg when we had walked inside a few minutes.
After all the food, we had a wonderfully competitive Easter egg hunt, my husband, my brother, and I. My mom put my grandma on FaceTime, since my grandma had decided not to come this morning. We were totally nuts, as usual. And I think it was just the kind of thing we all needed right now. We got to be positively competitive and physically active, while using our brains for quick evaluation and strategizing, as well as just getting to be outdoors and doing something that felt productive and as giving a sense of accomplishment.
In the end, we all got close to the same number of eggs, though it hadn’t started out anywhere near equal. my husband had two more than I had, and I had seven more than my brother, giving us each about a third of the 97 eggs. When it came the the contents of the eggs, however, I apparently crushed, having gotten the bulk of the eggs with bills in them. (Granted, my brother had several, too, but those were the ones with one dollar bills in them…) It wasn’t much – that wasn’t the point. We would have been equally competitive just for candy… actually, likely even for empty eggs, now that I consider it further. Nonetheless, it was still fun. We had a much-needed blast, and we got to have it together, which made it all the better.
We got everything cleaned up before everyone left, and the dishwasher filled and running. I did a final wipe-down of all the countertops, and it made all the difference when we got home tonight from my husband’s dad’s house. Coming home to a clean kitchen (and home) make a world of a difference. Especially after hosting a party or event.
We also had a good time visiting with my husband’s family, though it was a very different environment over there. Much more adult-like and civil, to be sure. No adult Easter egg hunts, so there was no yelling or shoving each other or ridiculous threats thrown. But it was just hanging out and chatting, and it was nice.
We got there as everyone was finishing up dessert, which was actually perfect, wince we had just finished our own desserts just before heading over. And, since we got there so far into the evening, we got to have a very intentional time with everyone before they and we all headed out after we’d been there about an hour or so. So, it was a perfect short but sweet visit with everyone after a long day (after a very long several days). It was good.
And it was a really good day period.
Thank you, God, for this day and for the ease of it. Amen.
I wasn’t ready to go back to school today. I felt it with my whole being. But I couldn’t afford not to go, financially. I’m only paid by the day, and I had already taken off yesterday.
So, I went to school today.
I had my first class. We did our work, and it went well. Then I went to see the one teacher who knew. We chatted briefly, but well.
And then she asked/told me that how about she go ahead and take my other class, and I go ahead and go home now, so I could rest. So, I cried some more in gratitude, told the department head what the other teacher was going to do and that I needed to leave – and he accepted without question – and I left.
It was a terrible thing that made any of this relevant, of course, but it made the blessing all the more powerful.
My mom and I had planned to meet at Costco after school today, so we could get groceries for Sunday. So, instead of going this afternoon, we went this morning, basically right as the store opened. After we finished, I had a slice of pizza that I had been longing to have for some time, as well as a soft serve and a frozen coffee thing, both of which I had also been wanting for some time, and enjoyed my lunch thoroughly.
Then I went home and rested.
I talked with my dad, and it was a really good conversation.
I got the body wash I had been wanting.
I visited my grandma for what was likely the last happy hour at her place, and my mom and husband joined, too.
And I rested some more before going to adoration… which wasn’t actually happening as the church had advertised. So, I jumped into the end of the Spanish Mass that was happening instead and adored Jesus through receiving Communion with immense gratitude.
And then I went back home to rest some more before bed.
Now, I’m ready and going to bed.
Oh, and my best friend surprised us with a beautiful bouquet of flowers delivered to the house today with a kind note.
So, goodnight.
God, thank you for the many blessings of today, including my ability to spend time with those I love and who love me. Help me to heal fully, especially with and through your grace and love. Keep my family safe and well, please. Stay with us, powerfully, please. Help me to feel your arms helping me, healing me, guiding me. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Society calls for us to hide our pains from the world around us. And yet, how hurtful has it been each time we have learned that someone has been suffering silently, and often entirely alone, right by us, but without our knowledge… and wished we could have helped?
Perhaps we aren’t made to keep it hidden inside. Perhaps we were made to share, including our struggles, with those around us.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
I think we were. How else would we grow truly close to those around us? How could we learn to love each other fully, to show our love fully? Perhaps it is why everyone seems so far away these days…
I love and support Police. I despise their quotas and the system of issuing traffic tickets. It is unfair, unkind, and truly unjust. I constantly see unsafe drivers, yet they receive no repercussions. Because the rodeo has begun and it is the end of the month, my husband got pulled over while exiting the highway… for going 60 miles per hour as he exited onto the feeder road. And he was given a ticket straight up for it.
What makes it worse is that half the information on the ticket isn’t even correct. It wasn’t daytime, it wasn’t medium traffic (it was 10:21pm and there were very few cars out), and his license plate is not even similar to the one listed. So, the officer didn’t even take the time to put the correct information. The entire pull-over process was completed within four minutes, from lights on to the officer completely gone.
Given that today is the last day of the month, all this information had us both wondering how many exact same tickets the officer gave today from that same location, getting people as they exited the highway, so they effectively would be speeding on the feeder road for three-to-five seconds.
But don’t worry about all the drunk drivers leaving the rodeo or the folks driving high, actively smoking in the car as they drive. Just be sure to meet those quotas. And then deny that they exist.
It is not justice… it just isn’t.
It really hurts to see a system so terribly implemented by an organization created to do good in society, to promote and to give safety and justice. Instead, they give $500 traffic tickets to people who have been actively working on driving not with traffic when traffic inevitably speeds, and who have just lost their jobs and can’t afford such a price. And they don’t bother pulling over the fancy cars, because those always get out of paying the ticket… which they actually can afford financially. So, we have inflated tickets prices for folks who can’t afford it, and most of the bad drivers never even see them, anyway. Ugh…
God, give us all justice, please, and help us to help each other alway to be better. Help us al to pursue and fulfill your will and give your justice and love on Earth. In your name, I pray. Amen.
I love being married. And I love specifically being married to my husband.
It’s just a wonderful thing to be able finally to live a part of life we have longed to live, to be husband and wife, together in all ways, and blessed by God.
Thank you, God. Keep us safe, please, and help us always to pursue and fulfill your will as we work to be our best selves. In your name, I pray. Amen.
hannah ananas 